Brendan Hughes

WHOAAA!

Slow down folks - this is a VERY good thread giving sensible and constructive advice, please don't spoil it with arguments.

I have a son about to turn 15 and am reading with great interest as this could well happen to me, and it looks like it has happened to others too. A lot of good suggestions so far. I have absolutely none to add unfortunately, coz I don't have a clue.

rrh - best of luck.

Brendan

John Catlin

Have bought up two boys, or shall I say the wife has with my help.

They could have gone down the same route but did not.

Why?, I do not know, if I did I would be able to help in a more constructive manner.

Some friends children have gone down another route and have bought grief to the whole family, for whatever reason.

I only wish we could help more.

All the best

super_si

try laying down ground rules instead getting walked over like a door mat

If you dont sort it now, you'll be supporting him and his habbits for the rest of your lives.

Any chance you could get hold the lea betts(sp) video. Rememeber seeing that at school and that sunk in.

Si

Shropshire-Guy

I lIke others read this post with interest. I have no comments that would help in this situation but having 10 year old daughter im extremly worried that she could fall into this trap.

All i can add is that i hope everything sorts itself out for the better.

David_Wallis

Si that doesnt really help on page 3.

You dont condone violence in your house.. find someone that does, some of your mates from the pub.. and go for a kick about in the park.. and forget the football.

David

ProperCharlie

Fair enough that different people have different opinions but I don't really see how violence is going to help in this situation. It will more likely lead to the teenager leaving home and ending up in a worse situation. It is very hard to know what would work. I can look back at my own teenage years and recognise that i did some things that were not ideal but I made my own mind up about what i wanted to do. It's very possible that he may grow out of it after some time. He will technically be an adult soon in any case, at which time he can be made to fend for himself if that is the only solution. I definitely think that getting him into work, if it can be achieved, would help. If he feels like he is needed at his place of work, rather than just a hanger on, this may motivate him to get out of bed in the morning and take the necessary steps to sort out the rest of his life.

RRH

ProperCharlie, have tried that approach.

He was given the job at the bakery to try and show him the right way. Damn good opportunity IMHO, but he didn't like it. Fair enough I suppose- just wish he'd found something else before he threw his hand in.

He ended up p*ssing off everyone he worked with, and left when he was on the point of being fired for falling asleep on the job and telling his boss to f off.

Really not sure whats gone wrong. He has had what I consider to be a damn good upbringing. good area, good home, good school, loving and caring parents, travelled the world and has been given every opportunity to flourish despite not being the brightest tool in the box.

Several people on this thread are pointing the finger, several are talking out of their mis-informed backsides IMHO, but the vast majority are trying to offer help.

Sure we must have done something wrong somewhere along the line.

However, I'm trying to find a way forward.

As much as I may want to go down the park and deal with it head on, i really don't think that this would be especially bright. Apart from that, there will be someone else in their place within hours, so what does it accomplish apart from maybe a wierd sense of satisfaction?

And what if they found out who'd done it? My lad would be in a damn site more trouble which is exactly the opposite of what i'm trying to do here.

[Edited by RRH - 11/07/2003 20:03:56]

Turbohot

RRH,you might need someone else to talk to him,eg a specialist.Pot might not be a killer but does make people very moody n lazy.He sees you everyday so,he has no respectable distance from you.
He needs to be talked to by someone who he doesn't know so well.Don't give up!Wher is he geting the money from to get allthis?

ScoobyWon't

Have actually skipped posts since end of page 2, so sorry if this is repaeting what's already been said.

If he's not interested in a career and you want him straightening out and turning him into a man, consider taking him to an Armed Forces Career Office. There are hundreds of jobs he could do, or if he doesn't liek any of them, fast track him into the foreign legion - they'll make an honest man of him.

super_si

I agree with ScoobyWon't, Arm forces would be an excellant oppertunity.

You might have mentiobed this but, how do you know he's getting these other drugs? Is the evidence concreate?

I know at 16 i was pretty uncontrollable but this was because i was keeping something from my parents because i was in a high speed car crash i turned to booze though. Maybe he's hiding something aswell. Could be worth just sitting down at the table and talking it out with him. And oh, lock the doors and windows so he doesnt bolt

Si

the_outsider

From my own experiance of growing up. When my Dad had told me at 15 what I should or shouldn't do, even if I knew it was the right or wrong thing to do I would not do it, just to show him that it was me making decisions in my life even if they where the wrong ones and not to let him think that he had any say in what I would do with my time. This was I think partly to do with him being absent from my childhood often for periods of over a year at a time due to work and when he would get back he would try and lay the law down and I would think, what gives you the right to tell me what to do!



In my final year at school I bombed my exams and ended up drifting in with the wrong crowd as they was the only people that was around when I was bored with no money and nothing that I felt was constructive to do. After leaving school and some more rows I moved out of home at 15 for over a year and this was where I was exposed to some pretty nasty people who would not blink at causing others harm.



I only gave up the drugs when I realised for myself that I was sick of the culture and the lifestyle that went with them, not to mention that most of the people in my crowd where hard crims with a lot of time spent inside for doing crimes to feed there habits and I did not want to go that way and knew that if I did not escape then my life would be over for good.



This may be hard to accept but you have to realise that you cannot enforce your views or opinions on him at all, all you can do is try and make him aware that you realise that it is hard growing up and that it was probably easier when you was his age. Let him know that you will be there for him no matter what and that you will not be judgemental if he wants to tell you about himself or what he has done, dont try to be hip and say you use to smoke the weed as this is about him and not you. Also try not to be shocked if he comes out and admits to some things that you was not even aware of.



The visit to a rehab clinic may work but only on his terms and at his pace, I would be careful how you sugest this to him as it may be seen as you interfearing with his choices. Anyway good luck and just remember you have done your job as a Dad and it is now time to be his friend, so lay off the heavy fatherly preaching and let him decide what to do even if you dont agree with it, just let him know that if at any time he wants to talk to you that you will be available to him no matter what.

Leslie

I did not wish to appear patronising, I was trying to state the facts as I saw them and from my own experience both of growing up and of bringing children up.

I certainly did not advocate violence although I believe that under certain circumstances there are times when young children need a smack to teach them right from wrong. My own father was prepared to do that when I deserved it and I never thought the worse of him for it.

Of course it is difficult now that he has got into this way of life. I was trying to say that the mistake was to let him drift into it. If you had been stricter with him when he was younger then he would be more likely to respect you now and take notice of what you say. When you describe him as an angry teenager than I can only assume he is likely to threaten you verbally or even with violence. If you have let him get to that stage as a 15 year old, can you really say that you have not failed as a parent? At that age I would not have dreamed to respond to my elders like that just out of respect as much as anything else! Children tend to use their peers as a model. Letting him know you were into drugs was not a very sensible example to give. In answer to another comment, of course a child smoking cannabis is going to be easily led into the use of more evil concoctions. His own friends will see to that let alone the evil influence of the pushers. He is already on that K stuff, what next would you say?

Now you are in this mess, it has been rightly suggested that you have to get his confidence and respect. I described that in my post and did not advocate violence in any form. Your only chance is to become a friend to him and then somehow get him to see the awful life he can so easily drop into. You owe him that and it will be a difficult task for you. The_Outsider's post is a good one and you might find help there. Its the way you do it that counts.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Les

Alas

Hi m8
Sorry about your probs. If you need info on Outward Bound courses e'mail me at alasdair58@aol.com as I work at the OB centre outside Fort William.
Alas

Plantie

I feel massively for you fella

But don't blame yourself regardless of what anybody says on here.... you state you have provided a good home, good school, worldwide travel and love.... If this is the case then IMO you have done very well.

Unfortunatly today being young is harder than it ever has been So many options and decisions to be made not to mention peir pressure... all of which can be tough to deal with if someone lacks confidence...

Your boy has clearly fallen into a bad situation which is easily done nowadays... Sadly there is no easy or fast way out...

Continue to be supportive and keep trying to get through on the talking side.... I know when I was younger my father would tell/advise me of different things and generally I didn't want to listen but it did sink in.... even if it took a few months.

Finding out why he does this would be my immediate goal.... (more than likely very hard to do if he cant talk openly to you) at least then you can look for a substitute for it...

I believe most young people who follow are just trying to belong to 'something' Is there anything you can think of that could help him achieve this? The Armed forces is a good suggestion however you may not want your boy to follow that route.

Moving away would help to begin with and may even give him long enough off of what he is taking to help him come off of it.. but drugs are so widely spread that he will only find a new supplier within time.

Does he have any role models?? anybody famous? perhaps a sportsman.... You could perhaps write to this person and ask for help even if it is just a chat.... that could go a long way... but will more than likely be very difficult to arrange. (excuse if this suggestion is far fetched... but just trying to offer ideas)

Have a look at this site... http://www.thesite.org/info/drugs/ it may help you...

I do think a holiday where you can bond with your boy is a good idea.... but make it somewhere relaxing i.e. not a big busy city. This could do so much good even if not immediatley...

Overall just continue to be as posetive, supportive and open as you can... if he is doing this because he is unhappy or feels like he isn't part of something then this will mean a lot, even if he doesn't let you know that.

I wish you all the very best and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

P.

(I am no expert on this as I don't even have any kids... but I hope that something I have written helps.)

matty01

Sorry,haven't red all posts so may be duplicating but,try to make the point that drugs are very different in the seriousness of their affects,ie dope is RELATIVELY harmless whereas heroin will **** you over big time,drugs are in classes for this reason ,partly, but make the point that whatever he does, steer clear of heroin and cocaine, also point out how pushers make their money ie by trying to get you hooked...good luck and keep us posted if possible....

miraclenow

It sounds very sad story

[Edited by miraclenow - 11/1/2003 3:49:04 AM]

Richard Askew

Simon - just looked up PGL who used to organise alot of adventure stuff for us when we were at school. They're based in the Wye Valley, Herefordshire but also run schemes abroad

He's eligible to do a "solo" holiday where he can go as a group without Mum and Dad but if you fancied incorporating it into a family holiday they also do packages tailored to your "adventurous" family needs.

And....when he's done this and realises that whitewater kayaking is very very he can apply for a job with them and actually get paid for having an "adventure" holiday every day in life... why didnt I listen to my folks and do that

Anyhoo they can be found at www.pgl.co.uk

Disclaimer: I have no connection with PGL blah blah blah

Hope this Helps

R

[Editted cos I'm a pleb and got the url wrong ]

[Edited by Richard Askew - 7/12/2003 7:33:55 PM]