imlach

I must add, so as not to be holier than thou, that I have NOT experienced domestic abuse either as a child, or as an adult, and so my comments are based on hypothetical observation and hearsay sadly......and I suspect those that have experienced it have more credence...

fatherpierre

An act of violence is a weakness.

Men/women and taking things differently is bollox.

pele

My ex used to beat me, it took me 6 years to leave him, and I wasn't even living with him. I stayed with him because he told me i wasn't ever going to get anyone else because I was too fat & ugly, I believed him, so I stayed. It wasn't just physical you see - if some one keeps sayign the same things over & over, you start to believe it yourself. My savior was someone I started working with. She saw what was happening, didn't tell me to leave him, she just kept inviting me to go out until I accepted. Once I was out, I found I was ENJOYING myself, something I hadn't felt for a long time. I eventually found a nice guy, who I am now married to.
My exes parting words: 'you're fat, ugly & pathetic, no one will ever want to marry you, you will never learn to drive, get a car or a house.
I am married, I have a house, a beautiful son - and a Scooby. Guess who goes to my sons nursery, yep, his son. He was waiting outside the first time I picked my little one up - I gave him a good blast of the flat 4 full de-cat sound he hasn't picked up his son since....

fatherpierre

Good on you, Pele.

It's a control thing and done by those that are pathetic to themselves.

Scooby_Loo

I'd just like to say that not all wimmin from oxgangs are like that

Anyways, SB, I'm Colinton LOL

LG John

LOL scooby_loo Posh Colinton or the Mains. I was a CM Grove man for most of my childhood

This is so true. I would honestly rather have a girl jump up and down on my head than some of the things that have been said to me in the past.

Loved Pele's story - thats great (the end result I mean)

Scooby96

My ex (who I was married to!) was beaten up a few times by an ex. Then the next bloke she was with cheated on her left, right and centre (he lived in the Bahamas and when she called a different female voice was heard a few times). OK I accept this probably did **** her head up a bit but she was a complete psycho with me, mentally. I think I could have handled physical abuse from her but the mental stuff was just too much.

She was so insecure, again I accept this was from her past but she was so possessive. Got married (this is when it really went downhill). Wasnt allowed out, ALL my post was read by her first, she felt no shame opening it then leaving it on the side in the ripped open envelope for when I got home. If I borrowed anything from a woman (playstation game, cds) I was sh@gging her for it.

The final straw was when she told me a couple of months after we got married that she hadnt been on the pill since just before we got married - had we discussed having kids - OH NO!

Luckily I must have been firing blanks then. A very very lucky escape from an extremely fcuked up woman.

After we split up and I met my current gf (Jane) who had a son at the time my ex started working at the same company that Janes ex works at. She tells him that I cant be trusted around kids!!!! FFS - thank god the bloke was reasonable and we sorted it.

I must admit her saying that made me slightly mad so I threatened her with my mates pump action shotgun (only verbally of course)

She was pure evil after we split up - saying I'd beaten her and thrown her down the stairs / on the floor and that I had a long history of contracting STD's as I was a slapper.

Like a few people have said though - you have to decide for yourself to leave.



[Edited by Scooby96 - 10/18/2003 11:44:43 AM]

Jen

Well done Pele! That must have taken alot of courage, glad your friend stuck with it!

Saxo - completely agree, but then you were subject to domestic violence so the same advice would apply, as you say you're better of out of there

Any relationship involving violence (by either parties) has to be seriously questioned

Scooby_Loo

Oxgangs Colinton The nice bit though, Oxgangs Farm

LG John

Thats not entirely fair on my ex - In our situation it was a violent relationship but also a very good one the rest of the time. We just exploded with each other when we argued and it wasn't always hers or my fault. Usually she'd strike first though with a slap or scratch. As I said there is no place for voilence and if any future partner slapped me, etc I'd just walk away as I know that would be like opening a big bad can of worms.

Jen

Sorry - just going on what you wrote - but you've said it yourself, better to walk away

imlach

I was a proper Colinton boy....
Bonaly primary school, although we did have school sports day at Colinton Primary School one year (AKA the "army" primary).

Scooby_Loo

LOL imlach!

Was at Hunters Tryst me

LG John

LOL I went to Oxgangs

Jen, no need to appologise - I just like to be very clear about this matter because its so easy just to blame other people and take no self responsibility. I've done things I'm not proud of but I've reflected on them and learned from it. Telling other people that you're a 'victim' and that you are not to blame in any way is not learning.

I will say though there are a lot of crazy people out there I just can't understand the mentality of guys that come in from work and then hammer their wife because tea isn't made! It makes a lot more sense to come in give her a cuddle and say, 'you look like you've had a tough day pet I'll whip something up' - She'll almost certainly reward you later I mean are these guys just thick or what??

Brendan Hughes

Sorry to interrupt the Friends Reunited () but if you look at Gemma's first few posts, she does say this has been happening once or twice a week for the past five months.

That's not your average "occasional" argument.

Scooby_Loo

It is quite daunting to know that domestic abuse is on the rise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it something like 1/10 women suffer from domestic abuse, whether it's physical or mental. It could be happening to someone you know and there are no typical tell tale signs (if that makes sense!).

Awwwwe, bless




p.s (back to the friends reunited thing) Oxgangs primary is poo, we whooped your girls football team everytime!

Brendan Hughes

Is domestic abuse on the rise, or is it just reporting it is becoming less taboo? In the 50s there was no such thing as a battered wife, just a disobedient one. And there are still many people with that mindset out there today, in the places where men are men and women know their place.

Other side of the coin - you said "physical or mental". How the hell does anyone define "mental"? My mother separated from my father 12 yrs ago, and in doing so accused him of doing all kinds of things that had caused the marriage to break down, which might qualify under this loose definition of "mental abuse". True or not, they were certainly blown up out of all proportion. Why? Because she left him as she'd been having an affair with some other guy for a year, and couldn't admit she was in the wrong - the marriage counsellor called it "giving dignity to her decision to leave".

(Happy ending - the separation lasted 4 yrs, my parents are back together and with a much stronger marriage as a result.)

Scooby_Loo

For example, not being "allowed" to go anywhere without your partners consent, not being "allowed" to spend money without your partners approval, not being able to contact friends or friends not allowed to contact you, being made to feel like you are ugly & unlovable. If you don't like it the comment is usually something like "You know where the door is, dont let it hit you in the ***" etc.

Sometimes the term 'Mental Abuse' can be used out of context. Some people are just plain nasty, but it doesnt mean they are mentally abusive.

Good to hear your parents sorted things out though

[Edited by Scooby_Loo - 10/19/2003 2:48:24 PM]