Help re Paedophile
13 November 2003, 05:10 PM
#61
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Good luck. No more to say on your personal and family life, that's one aspect, but the fact that he's a teacher really flips it for me. We're having a massive paedophile scandal here in Lisbon at present, with one ex-teacher from my son's school (before he started going there) as a ringleader.
Where's BuRR? Wasn't he involved in this work at some point?
Where's BuRR? Wasn't he involved in this work at some point?
13 November 2003, 05:26 PM
#62
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Having read your last post i have emailed somone i knpow within the Police and asked them to have a look at this thread, they may well be able to help re your last point.
Your wife has a lot of responsibility on her shoulders.
Whilst i am not a shrink or been in this position i would offer the following thoughts in good will and hoping it may help.
Your wife did not create this situation nor i am sure did she encourage it. She is not to blame. She was abused and mistreated by a family member, you are supposed to be able to trust your family.
Your wife is not the one responsible nor should she have to feel that she is shopping him, he caused this by doing something very wrong and evil to someone who trusted him.
Re his grandparents, this is going to hurt them and that sucks, this is not their fault or doing, they are still going to get hurt. However by telling the Police this could stop the chances of this happening again which has to be worth while.
All of these problems have been created by this man, not by anyone else, every one esle in the family will be will be affected by this in some way. I am sure this is his legacy and has kept him 'safe' for so long, this is just more manipulation and not to be put up with.
The only way to stop or prevent it from happening again is to stop him and get him help. Also other kids need protecting from this man.
It is a terrible position your wife is in, this is so unfair.
This man does need stopping and does need treatment. Talking to the Police is the way to do this.
Your wife and family may well want to seek help with victims support as well.
I wish you,m your wife and family well.
[Edited by Paul Habgood - 11/13/2003 5:56:50 PM]
Your wife has a lot of responsibility on her shoulders.
Whilst i am not a shrink or been in this position i would offer the following thoughts in good will and hoping it may help.
Your wife did not create this situation nor i am sure did she encourage it. She is not to blame. She was abused and mistreated by a family member, you are supposed to be able to trust your family.
Your wife is not the one responsible nor should she have to feel that she is shopping him, he caused this by doing something very wrong and evil to someone who trusted him.
Re his grandparents, this is going to hurt them and that sucks, this is not their fault or doing, they are still going to get hurt. However by telling the Police this could stop the chances of this happening again which has to be worth while.
All of these problems have been created by this man, not by anyone else, every one esle in the family will be will be affected by this in some way. I am sure this is his legacy and has kept him 'safe' for so long, this is just more manipulation and not to be put up with.
The only way to stop or prevent it from happening again is to stop him and get him help. Also other kids need protecting from this man.
It is a terrible position your wife is in, this is so unfair.
This man does need stopping and does need treatment. Talking to the Police is the way to do this.
Your wife and family may well want to seek help with victims support as well.
I wish you,m your wife and family well.
[Edited by Paul Habgood - 11/13/2003 5:56:50 PM]
13 November 2003, 05:38 PM
#63
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After reading all the messages what a sad story.
My heart goes out to your wife and yourself.
I feel that we have a duty to report such vile activites in order to protect others.
Feel that your Item 2 may be a may forward without yoo much hassle for your wife.
At the same time it should be a collective decision of all the family so each can support one anoter in time of need.
Hope you reach the right decision.
My heart goes out to your wife and yourself.
I feel that we have a duty to report such vile activites in order to protect others.
Feel that your Item 2 may be a may forward without yoo much hassle for your wife.
At the same time it should be a collective decision of all the family so each can support one anoter in time of need.
Hope you reach the right decision.
13 November 2003, 05:55 PM
#64
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copy of the content of an email sent to me by someone i contacted within the Police.
This person does not want to be named as he is involved with sensitive issues regarding just this sort of thing, i shall say no more.
This is something that is easy for people to say "report it!" but so hard for the family involved to actually do anything about it.
She MUST report this matter to her local police. If not for herself, but
for the unknown other children that a) this has done or may affect in
the future, and b) the children placed in his care on a daily basis as a
teacher. Most police forces have trained counsellers who can deal with
this kind of thing, and can offer her and her family the support that
they need.
Actually dealing with the man is down to the Public and Child
Protection teams of the particular police force where she lives.
Obviously, the ball is in her court, but there are many people out
there more than willing to give a helping hand should she manage to make
that step forwards.
[Edited by Paul Habgood - 11/13/2003 6:11:18 PM]
This person does not want to be named as he is involved with sensitive issues regarding just this sort of thing, i shall say no more.
This is something that is easy for people to say "report it!" but so hard for the family involved to actually do anything about it.
She MUST report this matter to her local police. If not for herself, but
for the unknown other children that a) this has done or may affect in
the future, and b) the children placed in his care on a daily basis as a
teacher. Most police forces have trained counsellers who can deal with
this kind of thing, and can offer her and her family the support that
they need.
Actually dealing with the man is down to the Public and Child
Protection teams of the particular police force where she lives.
Obviously, the ball is in her court, but there are many people out
there more than willing to give a helping hand should she manage to make
that step forwards.
[Edited by Paul Habgood - 11/13/2003 6:11:18 PM]
13 November 2003, 06:08 PM
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I'm not sure if this hsa been mentioned already, but I'm sure that informing the police about this will help your wife in the healing process.
Your wife is in no way responsible for any of the bad things that happened to her, these feelings are normal in these cases - it's all part of the sickening acts to impart guilt onto the innocent.
My very best, and sincere, wishes to your wife, to you and the rest of your family.
Your wife is in no way responsible for any of the bad things that happened to her, these feelings are normal in these cases - it's all part of the sickening acts to impart guilt onto the innocent.
My very best, and sincere, wishes to your wife, to you and the rest of your family.
13 November 2003, 07:31 PM
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I hope you get the strength to do the right thing. The first steps will be the hardest.
But in the long run, it may save another little girl going through what you have suffereed for the last god know how many years.
I hope that the whole prosses will be the start of the healing prosses.
I wish you strength, what ever your decision.......
But in the long run, it may save another little girl going through what you have suffereed for the last god know how many years.
I hope that the whole prosses will be the start of the healing prosses.
I wish you strength, what ever your decision.......
13 November 2003, 08:02 PM
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This is without doubt a real can of worms. Already there has been some good advice offered.
My own thoughts on this is that councelling shouldn't be dismissed as rubbish, and although it won't change the past, will allow your wife, yourself and the other members of her family (who will without doubt carry this burden also) come to terms with what happened. You can't turn back the clock, but you can alter the course of things to come.
To go around and interfere with what is an intensely personal and traumatic part of her life would be harmful to you both and would seek to destroy her trust in you. This man manipulted her when she was too young and worldly to realise what his intentions were and grossly abused his position of trust. He took the situation out of her control, and you really need to reasure her that this will proceed at a pace she is comfortable with and at her discretion.
As difficult as it is, you have to be the rock for her to cling to as it will test you both without doubt.
The councelling will allow her, in her own time to see the man for what he is and she will then be able to take it forward and seek justice, or at the very least, stop him from being in a position where he could repeat this.
She is the victim and for her to suppress this and bottle it up will never give her peace of mind.
I know you have already stated that councelling would result in you throwing stuff around the room, but it isn't really like that, and you would benefit without doubt also. Your role is the supportive one, but it doesn't mean that you have to weather the storm without some help.
Best of luck.
Ash
edited for dodgy spelling
[Edited by DRUNKNORGY - 11/14/2003 7:59:10 AM]
My own thoughts on this is that councelling shouldn't be dismissed as rubbish, and although it won't change the past, will allow your wife, yourself and the other members of her family (who will without doubt carry this burden also) come to terms with what happened. You can't turn back the clock, but you can alter the course of things to come.
To go around and interfere with what is an intensely personal and traumatic part of her life would be harmful to you both and would seek to destroy her trust in you. This man manipulted her when she was too young and worldly to realise what his intentions were and grossly abused his position of trust. He took the situation out of her control, and you really need to reasure her that this will proceed at a pace she is comfortable with and at her discretion.
As difficult as it is, you have to be the rock for her to cling to as it will test you both without doubt.
The councelling will allow her, in her own time to see the man for what he is and she will then be able to take it forward and seek justice, or at the very least, stop him from being in a position where he could repeat this.
She is the victim and for her to suppress this and bottle it up will never give her peace of mind.
I know you have already stated that councelling would result in you throwing stuff around the room, but it isn't really like that, and you would benefit without doubt also. Your role is the supportive one, but it doesn't mean that you have to weather the storm without some help.
Best of luck.
Ash
edited for dodgy spelling
[Edited by DRUNKNORGY - 11/14/2003 7:59:10 AM]
13 November 2003, 08:10 PM
#70
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The best thing I ever took from councelling was this:
You cannot change the past, but you can stop it ruling your future.
Getting to realise that, and truly believe it, is a hard task however, and not a particularly pleasant one at times.
You cannot change the past, but you can stop it ruling your future.
Getting to realise that, and truly believe it, is a hard task however, and not a particularly pleasant one at times.
13 November 2003, 08:31 PM
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Very briefly to say good luck and be brave. Sad story for everyone involved. Just one thought for what it's worth - just think ahead a couple or five years time and how you will all feel if a) you do nothing or b) bite the bullet now and report things as advised. D
13 November 2003, 09:48 PM
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I know of something similar that happened to a mate. Try to convince her to go to the police cos if she doesn't it will never go away, believe me I talk from bitter experience. He deserves locking up and you both deserve to be able to get on with your lives.
Very Best of Luck
Very Best of Luck
13 November 2003, 11:21 PM
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I dont know what you should do. But whatever happens it MUST be your wife who decides. Otherwise I think it wont help your current relationship.
So difficult.
So difficult.
13 November 2003, 11:44 PM
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After watching this post for the best part of today (in between w#rk obviously) I think that you should shop the bloke.
Maybe he just needs help but wont get any without a push. I DO NOT condone anything like this but I have to say the most important thing is for you guys to do what ever you need to do to make sure this do not happen again at the hands of him again.
The other thing obviously is that you do everything you can to support your wife as it is very obvious the kind of realtionship you guys have and neither of you want this to become any sort of hardship on your relationship.
Good luck any my thoughts are with you both.
I hope it all works out for the best.
Maybe he just needs help but wont get any without a push. I DO NOT condone anything like this but I have to say the most important thing is for you guys to do what ever you need to do to make sure this do not happen again at the hands of him again.
The other thing obviously is that you do everything you can to support your wife as it is very obvious the kind of realtionship you guys have and neither of you want this to become any sort of hardship on your relationship.
Good luck any my thoughts are with you both.
I hope it all works out for the best.
14 November 2003, 04:28 AM
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Of all the professions available he chooses teaching. And it doesn't take a lot of imagination to work out why.
He needs to be removed from that job come what may. There may well be other evidence of inappropriate behaviour with children, but nothing concrete enough to remove him from that job. If your wife and family agree to contact the police, you may well find that many others will feel the strength to come forward with more evidence. It can't happen too soon.
All you can do is offer your wife unconditional love and hope you both come through the other side together. I wish you all the best.
He needs to be removed from that job come what may. There may well be other evidence of inappropriate behaviour with children, but nothing concrete enough to remove him from that job. If your wife and family agree to contact the police, you may well find that many others will feel the strength to come forward with more evidence. It can't happen too soon.
All you can do is offer your wife unconditional love and hope you both come through the other side together. I wish you all the best.
14 November 2003, 07:34 AM
#78
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I wish you both the best and strength to your wife and yourself at this trying time, she'll need you and it looks like you're there for her.
Don't let it drive you appart, things like this can make you stronger together.
No practical advice to offer, just wanted to wish you both the best in this horrible situation.
Don't let it drive you appart, things like this can make you stronger together.
No practical advice to offer, just wanted to wish you both the best in this horrible situation.
14 November 2003, 09:16 AM
#79
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This is very, very saddenening to read and I really feel for your wife, yourself and the rest of the family. I've not been in this situation but I imagine that because of this man your wife has never known what it's like to lead a life free from feelings of guilt and shame, that she's had to live every day with the memory of this and the awful things this man did to her and it will have completely affected everything she does in her life. I imagine that unless you have been through this yourself or been close to someone who has been through it that it's very hard to get in the mindset of the victim. Just by reading what your wife has written on this thread I can see that she is in turmoil and, bearing this in mind I'm not surprised she's reluctant to go to the police, doing so will affect the lives of all those involved and I expect she is worried that she will feel partly responsible for this which will just add to her already immense burden 
I know that going to the police is the right thing to do and so does everyone reading this thread but it's your wife who is at the centre of this and it is her that needs to make the first move. To do that she needs to find enormous amounts of courage and strength from within herself and, huge amounts of support from you and from the rest of the family. Hopefully some of what she has read here will also encourage her to make that move, reading between the lines on this thread there is a lot of genuine support here, myself included.
This man has taken away your wife's ability to lead a normal, happy life and it makes me sick to the core thinking about it, I hope he is stopped before he he is allowed to ruin the lives of others in the same way.
Please tell your wife that I really do wish her all the best and I hope that by coming forward she will finally achieve the closure she needs in order to get on with the rest of her life and make up for the years she's had taken away from her.
Sal.
I know that going to the police is the right thing to do and so does everyone reading this thread but it's your wife who is at the centre of this and it is her that needs to make the first move. To do that she needs to find enormous amounts of courage and strength from within herself and, huge amounts of support from you and from the rest of the family. Hopefully some of what she has read here will also encourage her to make that move, reading between the lines on this thread there is a lot of genuine support here, myself included.
This man has taken away your wife's ability to lead a normal, happy life and it makes me sick to the core thinking about it, I hope he is stopped before he he is allowed to ruin the lives of others in the same way.
Please tell your wife that I really do wish her all the best and I hope that by coming forward she will finally achieve the closure she needs in order to get on with the rest of her life and make up for the years she's had taken away from her.
Sal.
14 November 2003, 09:44 AM
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Have a word with the Police and they will be able to suggest what action to take, they may be able to investigate his current situation and determine if they able to bring a case. With him being a teacher this is all that is needed for them to start delving into his life, and this doesn't nessaseraly "think that s right" involve bringing you into the situation. You are doing what you should, not just for your missis but for the parents of the kids at the school, it it you rsocial responciblity to do this! My doughter could be at that school and I certainly wouldn't want some deviant letching over her!
The police won't push you to make a formal complaint if your are rasing suspition based on your circumstances, but it will give them a lead in order to make descrete equieres. Working in a school and having **** on your PC is different to me having snut on the PC, and that's not even concidering if he had kiddie **** on! I'm just talking about normal **** images!
Do this, for all our sakes you have nothing to loose and everthing to gain, the police wont think anything less of you for not wanting to bring your wife into this... you are simply doing what any right thinking person with concerns would! you can help give them a starter they will do the rest, and you won't have to give a formal statement.
Anyhow raise your concernes and get it off your chest and put the responcility with the police...
Dazza
The police won't push you to make a formal complaint if your are rasing suspition based on your circumstances, but it will give them a lead in order to make descrete equieres. Working in a school and having **** on your PC is different to me having snut on the PC, and that's not even concidering if he had kiddie **** on! I'm just talking about normal **** images!
Do this, for all our sakes you have nothing to loose and everthing to gain, the police wont think anything less of you for not wanting to bring your wife into this... you are simply doing what any right thinking person with concerns would! you can help give them a starter they will do the rest, and you won't have to give a formal statement.
Anyhow raise your concernes and get it off your chest and put the responcility with the police...
Dazza
16 November 2003, 08:08 AM
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Worried
My sympathies to you and your wife.
Pretty helpless position for you to be in and still keep it legal. That must be very frustrating for you, after all we all want to look out for our partners.
Remember, you will be much more help to your wife by being her
"safe haven" in this terrible situation than by giving this lowlife the seeing to he deserves. Let the proper authorities take care of him. Just "be there" for your wife, she is going to need you to help her through this now she has started the ball rolling, whatever she decides.
Eerr Russell, is that last comment entirely appropriate on a thread of this nature ? I am sure that is the very last thing on the minds of Worried and his wife.
My sympathies to you and your wife.
Pretty helpless position for you to be in and still keep it legal. That must be very frustrating for you, after all we all want to look out for our partners.
Remember, you will be much more help to your wife by being her
"safe haven" in this terrible situation than by giving this lowlife the seeing to he deserves. Let the proper authorities take care of him. Just "be there" for your wife, she is going to need you to help her through this now she has started the ball rolling, whatever she decides.
Eerr Russell, is that last comment entirely appropriate on a thread of this nature ? I am sure that is the very last thing on the minds of Worried and his wife.
16 November 2003, 12:55 PM
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Worried - I'm a qualified child care/child protection social worker. if you or your wife need any advice about the process of making a complaint, please feel free to email me.
Best wishes
Kev
Best wishes
Kev
10 December 2003, 05:59 PM
#85
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Worried... you can by all means contact me in confidence (01924 821545) - weekdays 8-4.
My name is DC Steve Hirst (West Yorkshire Police Computer Crime Unit) Now - I don't deal with complaints such as yours directly, however I do have close links with our Force's Child & Public Protection Units, and I can get advise through them as to your best course of action to take, and we could put you in contact with your local protection officers. They don't need specific times or dates, and will help you and your wife out any way they can.
Please consider contacting me. Whilst this is a difficult situation to confront, think about the potential other victims that may be suffering a worse ordeal, and are not in a position to complain.
[Edited by BuRR - 12/10/2003 6:00:44 PM]
My name is DC Steve Hirst (West Yorkshire Police Computer Crime Unit) Now - I don't deal with complaints such as yours directly, however I do have close links with our Force's Child & Public Protection Units, and I can get advise through them as to your best course of action to take, and we could put you in contact with your local protection officers. They don't need specific times or dates, and will help you and your wife out any way they can.
Please consider contacting me. Whilst this is a difficult situation to confront, think about the potential other victims that may be suffering a worse ordeal, and are not in a position to complain.
[Edited by BuRR - 12/10/2003 6:00:44 PM]
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