Luminous

iTrader: (3)

Right!! I feel a plan brewing.....

Since you are the second person to suggest the water method, this method must hold some *sigh* water. Awful joke, awful....why did I just say that? This ELC (formerly known as my "pet") has got to my brain.

Also, given that this evening I took a total pasting in the outwitting stakes, I really feel like getting some payback, not just re-training my ELC (formerly known as my "pet")

So, tomorrow, the following items will be purchased:
A small spray bottle for plants from a garden centre
A small water pistol from a joke shop
A monster super-soaker for when things get serious (I've got to have backup)
Towels, lots and lots of towels (just in case said monster has to be deployed)
More food *sigh*
Wet weather gear (optional)

Lee247

Please, please let me know the outcome.

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

Oh you guys. You just crack me up......candle lit dinners, sending it emails Love em

Apparition

One word springs to mind ~ taxidermist.

boxst

Hello

Put him here:



Steve

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

He would have to catch it first.......... if we could do that, I would have this thing licked....

hedgehog

I appreciate that this can really drive you mad, and is quite clearly getting to you.

However can I give you some advice based upon experience? Never ever, not even slightly, use a gatling gun indoors.

This company in New Zealand will sell such a device to the unsuspecting cat hunter and it might, at first glance seem like the ideal solution:

http://www.machineguns.co.nz/Products.shtml

However, believe me when I tell you that you haven't seen collateral damage until you use one of these indoors.

boxst

Hello

You have been warned, they carry weapons to:



So I would always recommend an Uzi, much less damage than the gatling:



Steve

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

Nice idea, dual purpose. No need to buy a specialist transport carrier.

Although, if I ever do catch my moggie, I may be tempted to place mine in the oven

boxst

Hello

I would always recommend the wok method:



Steve

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

Oh good God!! Never ever, ever let my ELC see that pic. If it does, it will all be over for me

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

Pah, pathetic. I've never seen such a small gatling gun. The speed that my ELC moves at I'm going to need something a LOT more substantial

hedgehog

Look, I was trying to protect you from yourself.

I had this problem, some years back, with those daddy longlegs getting into my room at night and keeping me awake all night. I'm sure you know what I mean. Anyhow all my attempts at elimination failed until I hit on the idea of a gatling gun. It was, I thought, a cunning plan.

So, I searched the web and ordered up an m197 20mm "gatling gun." To be honest when it arrived I was a bit disappointed by the fact that it was rather larger than I had expected but only had 3 barrels. Personally I doubted if it was up to the job. However, I managed to reduce it to parts small enough to be carried up my stairs by only 2 or 3 people.

At this point I made several errors of ignorance and we will get to the full consequences of them later in this tale. However, the one thing I will say is that setting the switch to the maximum 3000 rounds per minute was a mistake though, to be perfectly frank, the low setting of 2000 rounds per minute would probably not have resulted in much less damage.

Now, being a sensitive chap with little experience of gatling guns I thought it sensible to avoid mentioning to the neighbours that I had bought such a device lest I cause unnecessary alarm. I assumed, wrongly as it turned out, that they would think a car had backfired in the street when I fired the weapon. Safety was foremost in my mind, however, when I reassembled the weapon and positioned it firmly against the bedroom wall for stability. Actually, to be honest, in view of the size of the gun and the magazine there wasn't really anywhere else to put it.

I loaded the magazine and, despite the groaning of the floorboards under the not insignificant weight, retired happy in the knowledge that any daddy longlegs which should enter was in for a bad night. Unfortunately it never crossed my mind to consider that people in houses up to 2 miles away were also about to embark upon a somewhat less than fun packed evening.

Just before 11 a daddy longlegs entered my room and I pressed the go button on my newly installed gatling gun.

Now I had seen the movies just like everyone else and so was of the view that bullets could not penetrate walls. This was, perhaps, my most significant error of ignorance and I was later to learn that some of the rounds I fired penetrated up to 7 walls before coming to rest. The total destruction of one of the supports of a nearby motorway bridge resulted in traffic disruption for nearly 9 months after the fateful night.

In another error of ignorance on my part it transpired that a gatling gun firing 3000 20mm rounds per minute does not sound anything like a car backfiring in the street. For some hours after the event the local press were continuing to run the earthquake story which later proved to be related to my actions. In truth no earthquake took place on that evening.

Now, I wouldn't have fired all the rounds in the magazine were it not for another slight error on my part. Never before did I realise, nor did the movies I had watched make me fully aware, of the amount of smoke which is generated my a weapon of that size and power. While the gun was still in my room (I'll get to that in a minute) I was totally unable to find the button to stop it firing because of the amount of smoke filling the room. In the initial stages of the investigation the emergency services believed that my house had been hit by an alien space ship.

Now we get to a further, unfortunate, error of ignorance. My physics was never very good at school and so it never crossed my mind that as several tons of lead departed through one wall of my room there would be an equal and opposite reaction which would cause the gatling gun to exit via the opposite wall. This was most unfortunate and, as the point of aim swung about wildly during the exit, resulted in the damage extending to a much wider area than need have been the case.

As a result of the trauma of this event I have been unable to discuss big gatling guns with anyone for some years now. That is why I sent you a picture of a small gatling gun and why I think you should, for the welfare of all those living nearby, avoid gatling guns at all costs. It just isn't worth it. Take my advice: just say NO to gatling guns.

StickyMicky

ok

Leslie

Cats are like that, they just do their own thing whatever. I'm afraid you are stuck with his bad habits! Its the same when you try to read a newspaper on the table, they just walk over the bit you are trying to read!

Trouble is, if you lost him you would miss him.

Les

Jamo

iTrader: (23)

have its bollocks chopped off seriously good attitude adjuster

ajm

Whereabouts are you located? I can solve your problem for a nominal fee

Leslie

Is that what you had done Shaggy? Bit extreme but it takes all sorts

Les

astraboy

[quintmode]
*Scrapes fingnails down blackboard*
I'll find him for 3, catch him for 6 and kill him for 10.
For ten you get the tail, the claws, the whole damn thing....
[/qm]

astraboy.

zoog

look up an ancient thread called "Annoying *****"

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

I thought that I would give you all an update on my progress to date.

After last night's problems I just could not face another confrontation today. I was too tried, too stressed, and my flat was already showing too many battle scars. I was going to have to pick my fights carefully in order to be successful.

Therefore, breakfast was chosen to be porridge (cat hates it) and lunch was at McDonalds (a welcome respite). Now although McDonalds do not allow cats into their restaurants, it does taste like they let them into their burgers...never mind, that is another story. It may also have given me an idea if things really do turn sour, after all, with half the contents of my fridge in my kitty, the local kebab shop should give me a fair price

While in town I took the liberty of doing some shopping, armed with my previously prepared shopping list I went off in search of some watering products.

It seems kids these days are too rich. My idea of a small subtle water pistol for weapon 2 does not exist in marketing managers' eyes. There were no small water pistols in sight, well not in the main stream shops anyway (another pun, sorry). There were a few massive water pistols, and there was a lot more variety than I had imagined, each with their own strengths and weaknesses.

I left without purchasing anything, and headed off to find a junk shop or something similar that could fulfil my requirements for weapons 1 and 2. While searching for a suitable outlet I could not get out of my mind some of the "toys" that I had just seen. We'll come back to those soon.

Finding a cheapo chav shop; I went in, hoping not to meet anyone that I knew (and to be honest, if there was anyone in there that I knew, I think that they would be hoping not to be seen in there either) A rather scabby assistant came towards me and asked if I needed any help (or at least that is what I think they mumbled). I thought about divulging my needs and explaining what I was up to, but then I looked into their blank eyes and politely said, "No", they would never understand. A little search yielded the results I needed, a squirty bottle and a small water pistol - perfect. £3 later for my 2 items in Everything's a Pound I was on my way (feeling a little ripped off, but I could just not be arsed to argue).

Well, I was on my way, until the thought of one of those "toys" I had seen earlier popped back into my head. 20 notes lighter I had one of these:
http://www.argos.co.uk/webapp/wcs/st...clickfrom=name
I figured that unloading everything at once would be just perfect for my needs should the situation deteriorate sufficiently.

Ah yes, towels, big beech towels, I needed a few more anyway. I won’t go into details; you would just not be interested. A towel is a towel, as long as it’s big

I returned home planning my attack, only to witness a rather surreal situation unfold in front of my very eyes. I was just parking up when I saw this lady walking up the street with her dog, quite a large dog at that. She was nice and fit, and my electric mirrors needed adjusting anyway Then I noticed that she was rather sexily twirling her dog’s lead around in her hand…..SH*T….DOG’S LEAD….Oh F*CK!!

I had let the cat out when I had gone for lunch. OK, I opened the door to go out and my ELC shot out of my door like a cannon ball out of a cannon. Could I catch it? Well did I manage to catch when it was indoors with a net? Now I had no net!!

It happened, Mr T-Rex of a dog sighted ELC, and went for it. Nowt I could do, both were faster then my fat ****. Poor kitty could well be in for a pasting. Then I remembered last night, the speed of ELC. I’ve seen cats move before, but mine has the edge, it should be entered into the Kitty Olympics. “Don’t panic”, I said to myself, “It’ll run off into the distance and up a tree, no problem”.

That is what all cats do, right? Wrong. Mine looked at T-Rex, and obviously thought it had more in common with a poodle . Contained inside my cats head is the brain of Einstein, it knew exactly what it was going to do. It jumped straight up onto my wall (nullifying the dog’s height advantage) and sat their, poised, for those few fractions of a second while the dog closed in to make its attack.

The dog lept up, and my cat struck home with its CLAWS. Jesus it’s vicious. What a noise. There was squealing, hissing and spitting from ELC, howling from the dog, and screaming from the bird. Surely I should be a participant in this??

The dog shot off down the road, ELC in pursuit, IN PURSUIT. Has it not eaten enough in the last few days??!! Fit bird also gives chase, with me still trying to get out of my car. Moggie soon gave up, turned, and strutted its stuff back up towards the flat, passing the screaming woman, as she chased her howling dog. Madness.

There was a nice trail of blood on the ground, starting at the wall then going off down the street after the dog. I’m looking at this, gawping, and look up following it to see said woman now standing in front of me fuming.

“IS THAT YOUR CAT?!”
“yeah?”
“IT JUST TRIED TO KILL MY DOG!!”
“Well not really, it was just sitting there sunning itself when T-Rex leap at it”
“HAVE YOU SEEN THE STATE OF MY DOG??!!”
“Errr”
“ITS NOSE IS TOTALLY SLASHED”
“Errmmm”
“THAT THING OF YOURS IS EVIL”
“Yeah, tell me about it”
“ I’M GOING TO STAMP ON YOUR CAT TILL ITS DEAD”
“OK, fine, you catch it, you stamp on it”, leans against the wall.
“You don’t mind if I watch do you?”
“HUMPH” (a sound only a bird can make), and then she stomps off back down the road.

It is at this point that I feel something brush against my leg. Its KITTY . Its come to me, finally!!! Not to pass up on a good thing I grab it and take it indoors. I take a few moments to reflect, and can hear that kitty is making a strange non purring noise. Given that it has just had a fight with something 20 times bigger, and the fact that I still have hold of it, I decide to stick it in the transport carrier and take it to the vet’s.

More on that later, got stuff to do now.

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

Searched for exactly that, the only result that came up was you mentioning it in this thread

Markus

Very funny thread, though one is musing on it's authenticity.

You want a solution? Let the cat out of the house and leave it out there for a fair while, certainly until after you have indulged in a nice peaceful non-ELC affected meal. Now, one could repeat this daily if you wish, the ELC might get the inkling that it's behaviour is totally unacceptable, then again, cats have never forgot that they were once worshipped as Gods and as such seem to still have this idea they are to be idolised and can do what they please.

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

Glad you are finding it entertaining. Venting my escapades on this forum is the only thing that is allowing me to vent my frustration. ELC is clever, it KNOWS when my meal times are. Why would it want to go out?? Dinner is about to be served.

I suppose I could kick it out in the morning, and then leave it there until I have had dinner. Its a bit harsh leaving my car outside ALL day. I'm not sure if it will learn why it is being kicked out?

Anyway, the vet and others like the water spray idea. I may get around to typing that up later. Some of that was rather amusing too....

Markus

That was my point, leave ELC outside all day long. Harsh? perhaps, but it is an *animal* and thus it can survive outside.

It will quite possibly learn why it's being kicked out, when it finds it cannot steal your food as you're never eating whilst it's inside.

Lee247

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

Mmmm, good plan. Will try this water spray idea first to see how it turns out. It is a bit more cause and effect focused, ELC will be in no doubt when the punishment occurs, so should in theory, work out why it is happening pretty quick - I hope.

Leslie

Still laughing about the episode with the dog.

Les

MJW

The simplest solution would be to employ a Pavlov style aversion therapy technique. Cook your dinner as normal, but prepare two portions of the meat. Put one portion on your plate, make a few slits in it and force as much Tabasco sauce as you possibly can into it. Sit down to eat your dinner as normal and wait for the kitty to pounce. After two or three episodes of this treatment your cat will either be cured, or have developed a liking for Tabasco sauce and demand it on his Kit-E-Kat. Take the second portion of meat you prepared earlier, lock yourself in the bathroom and eat it.

ajm

You might like to mix a few phenolic compounds in with the water such as TCP.... problem will then be sorted!