Poor Guy

lol
Garth "What if he honks in the car?"
Wayne "im giving you a no-honk gaurantee"

LC Geezer

Attempted to show off by attempting a handbrake turn in a borrowed Citroen BX once. I just sort of steered right into a parked car. Unbeknown to me, the BX handbrake works on the front discs.

Driving along with my mate when he leans out of the window and makes some lewd remark to an attractive young lass we were passing. He sits back in with a huge grin on his face. It soon disappeared as I stopped, reversed up to this poor girl, and drove along the road beside her. She ripped into him for a full 5 minutes while we drove along at walking pace. He just didn't know where to look.

I managed to overshoot the lights at a Tee junction once (the road from the M23 down to Felbridge for anyone who knows the area). Went belting down there in the early hours of the morning and tried to beat the lights by leaving my braking to the last second. Went to hit the brakes and my foot wouldn't move far enough across for me to push the brake pedal. Yanked on the handbrake, straight through the lights, mounted the kerb, and put the front 2 inches of the car through the window of the showroom opposite. Smaaaaasshhhhh! Shocked, I instantly investigated why my foot wouldn't move more to the left. I'd shut my shoelaces in the door. Open door, retrieve shoe laces, engage reverse gear, turn right, and sheepishly disappear into the darkness. I think they built a dwarf wall in front of that showroom a few weeks later.

angrynorth

May I point you in the direction of this thread and the third post down.

The_Gza

Not quite the time of year for this one, but a good few years ago my mate wanted my to act as the suprise Santa Claus for his extended family. There was a whole load of them round at his folks house, so the litte 'uns would have noticed if someone had sneaked off and suddenly Santa appears. Anyway, I agreed to be Santa, got my whole Santa outfit - beard, cape, boots and even a little clapper bell - together and went down a treat with the kids. Phew!

After the serious-ish part of the evening was over, I decided it would be funny to head up town with me still dressed as Santa to meet my mates. Of course, I had to drive to get there, so took off the beard and pulled down the hood so I wouldn't look too daft on the way!

I knew they'd all be standing near to one of the big roundabouts in town, so whilst stopped at a set of lights just prior to the roundabout I donned the full Santa outfit again. Those synthetic beards are pretty damn itchy and trying to see what's happening through a false beard that's nearly covering your eyes, not to mention the restricted sideways vision I'm now encountering due to having the hood up

Still only a few hundered yards to go before they'll see me coming, so I decide to wind down the window in preparation (still got the bell you see! ) and give the car some beans in first down towards the roundabout so they'll hear me coming.

All works perfectly - as I round the corner of the building they're all looking so I starting ringing the bell furiously and shouting "Ho Ho Ho, Merry Fecking Christmas" etc, finding this all highly amusing. They all start creasing themselves and I feel quite pleased with my humourous wee Santa stunt.

Until of course I go to brake for the roundabout and find my shoe has become caught in the hem of Santa's robe. This gets my attention pretty quickly - the bell is swiftly forgotten as my befuddled brain swiftly takes in the approaching roundabout, the fact I'm not able to hit the brakes, and the taxi now heading towards me on the roundabout on collision course

I can see the cabbies eyes widening as he first of all notices the car coming towards him on the roundabout isn't losing any speed, and perhaps more surprisingly, is being driven by some kind of mutant Santa sporting a beard that appears to begin somewhere around his eyebrows

My car goes shooting onto the roundabout, missing the taxi by inches and straight across, exiting straight ahead without losing any speed. Immediate disaster averted, the car eventually coasts to a stop, enabling me to free my foot from the hem of the robe, and the turtles head from elsewhere.

I park the car up and swiftly get rid of the Santa outfit - stuffing it in the boot. I sit in the car park for a bit getting my heartrate back to normal and letting some fresh air about my person, then head back into town, hoping against hope that my mates didn't get a close up look at my number plate, and they might possibly not have realised that the manic Santa was in fact me.

So I toddle into the car park where they're standing, nonchalant as you like. Judging by the fact they're not all immediately pi55ing themselves laughing and pointing, I think I might have got away with it. I park up, doing my best Mr. Innocent act. Pretty pleased I seem to have got away with it Until I open the door and discover the bell which I'd dropped in my haste to regain control of the car has worked its way forward again and drops out onto the ground, and rolls slowly towards my mates. Ah. Bollocvks....

The "Santa's bringing me some unsoiled keks" Gza

Twohats

iTrader: (3)

Going back a few years now me and a mate were out in his fiesta supersport doing the "lap round town" job when we stopped at the junction in the market place which was full of the local "chicks". Judgeing by the amount of revving he was doing i knew we were in for some major wheelspin action so i descreetly reached forward and popped it out of gear. AAAh! I can still here the sound of that engine now bouncing off the rev limiter lol as he dropped the clutch whilst in the "lean towards the windscreen position"

CooperS

hahaha funny as!!

My mate once asked me to do his gears cos he was on the phone (bad man) and at a partiularly busy junction he wanted me to drop it into 3rd at about 25mph, so of course I rammed it into first, the noise was hilarious, as was the reaction from the people outside the pub as my mate looked a total **** hahahaa that'll teach him

Twohats

iTrader: (3)

Just come back from minorca yesterday where we hired a car for a couple of days . stopped at the garage ,filled up with petrol paid in the shop strolled back across the forecourt showing off me tan in me shorts to the lovely lady filling up her car next to me opened the door and sat on me missus knee, ahh the joy of left hookers!
also came round a corner after leaving the beach in the car chatting away to the missus then noticed a car coming towards me flashing his lights and waving out his window and after the initial "whats this t#*t flashing at" i calmly got back on my own side of the road .

VaTaNeN

Missed this thread!

The two I best remember were both by the same lad, one of my brother’s mates.

The first one must have been 10 years ago on a warm summers evening when he was giving my brother a lift up to the pub where we all used to work (Quenchers in Hanley). At the top of Hope Street you have to pull across the oncoming traffic to get round onto Stafford Street and there were quite a few people knocking around as it was a Saturday night. As he’s waiting to pull across the oncoming traffic he spots a prostitute walking up the road and promptly gives her some abuse out of his open window to the amusement of all those around, at that same point he spots his chance to get across the road and drops the clutch. The cable snaps sending the revs’ sky high and leaving the car stranded in the middle of the road in front of all the onlookers - Who then pissed themselves laughing as the prostitute walked over and started to give him loads!!

Same lad was convinced the engine in his Mini was dying, and he rang us one day to say it had finally given up the ghost on a long uphill section (Ash Bank) near his home. After being off the road for a few weeks he eventually sorted a replacement engine and on the day he dropped it in, called my brother to say he could not get it going. A few of us went round and after checking everything out we narrowed it down to fuel. After tipping a bit in the tank it kicked in first time - At which point we all quite literally rolled around on the floor pissing ourselves as we realised there was nothing up with the engine he’d just taken out!! Muppet.

Shaolin

Once worked at a peugeot garage, a mechanic took a 309 gti out with new apprentice on board, apprentice says what do these go like, *** of a mechanice shows him........ then handbrake turns at a quiet t junction and rolls it into a field.
They drive it back to the garage ( this is a customers car remember just booked for a service), roof dented in, both sides buggered and the apprentice was white as a sheet, try explaining that one to the work shop controller! pissed myself as he drove into the workshop though. This car looked like it had been through a crusher. Those were the days.

ALi-B

iTrader: (1)

A Work Mate tried to do a handbrake 180 into his drive...ended up sliding sideways on his neighbours lawn.

Must be the coolest neighbour I know...he was laughing **** off and taking the mike saying what TF was that pathetic attempt. If I did that on my neighbours lawn I'm sure he'd kill me, my family, my freinds and all my relations!!

My personal best is throwing up whilst driving....messy

vindaloo

Have to think about this one...

Me: Parking the P1 in Blackheath as two of my mates more seniour neighbours were leaving on a stroll. She looked absolutely gob smacked and horrified that I was parking in the residents' car park. It's only got a P1 BB so I know it's not THAT loud.

Me2: Mentioned whilst being given a lift (after a major session) that the sunroof handle looked 'quite like an ejector seat handle' to another mate in the back. Said mate raises both hands above his head and completely boloxes the sunroof mechanism to the point where it flaps violently back and forth. The scene was completed a second or so later by a large rubber bush dropping out and bouncing off the driver's head. Good job it was a knckered Mk2 Astra.

Brother: Parking my Dad's car on the beach. Mate's girlfriend locked the passenger door after getting her stuff out of the car. Errr. Keys were still in the ignition. When the Police arrived, they found Bro. in the pub clutching a pint (the stress, you know). Police eventually got into the car and drove it out a few inches before the water would have come over the sills.

Mate: Giving his brother a lift 'the morning after' a session, threw up violently over the dash/windscreen. His bro. leaned over and grabbed the wheel as my mate wasn't too well. So he threw up on his brother's head too. They pulled over sharpish and got out of the car. Only problem was they were in the middle of no-where and had to get back into it to get anywhere.

Mate's GF: Whilst parking up at Madejski stadium, opens car door (in howling gale). Wind hits the door and throws it into the side of the BMW 5 series next door creating a huge dent right on the meat of the panel. Bloke gets out of the BMW so she goes to get pen and paper whilst keeping a sturdy grasp of the door handle. This time the wind throws the door and her into the BMW. I was struggling for words the first time. I had to settle for shugging and shaking my head. I didn't trust myself to speak for fear of making the situation worse.

J.

silent running

I think this thread needs resurrecting. Any updates in the last 2-3 years? I was gonna put one of mine on here, but it's so lame in comparison to these howlers that it's hardly worth mentioning:

I used to have an old S13 200SX that I'd done up a bit including a zorst that was something like 4" all the way through with a 6" tailpipe. Needless to say it was loud, so loud that I sometimes would switch it off an coast onto my drive at night to avoid any trouble with the neighbours. Anyway it went fairly well. I was out in it a long way from home on a long straight and came up on a line of slow moving traffic. Anyway, overtook one, two, three, four, still nothing coming, so kept going...in the end it was nine cars in one manouevre, exhaust blaring out, just as I passed the last one, I lost all drive and had to coast in to the kerb, whilst all the cars I'd just passed beeped me and went on their way. What a **** I was. (I'd blown the torque convertor in the auto box btw).

But let's have more stories like that one with the MG TF - that had me in tears.

Turbohot

When I first attempted to drive out my freshly bought scoob from the showroom, I ignited it in a gear : in front of a gorgeous salesman The car of course stalled, and my BF (in a passenger seat)took a right p!ss of me! Double tragedy that was! Ah well, since then I have gone quite careful TBH.

ex-webby

about 5 years ago, picked up hot girl to give her a lift into the office.

arrive at big wet roundabout...

take off, get it sideways, hold it.. NICE... oohh.. that's working well.. uh oh.. a bit too sideways.. no sweat, a bit more gas, and a bit more steering.. hmm.. that's odd, even more sideways?!? ah ****.. the diff controller is on fully open!.. 180.. facing the other way.. had to three point turn holding up the morning traffic.

hot girl : "simon.. you know that world record thing you did?"..
me : "shhhh.. i want to hear the news..."

Turbohot

^

The Zohan

Ok, not necessarily try to look cool but here goes.

In my scoob, working at GMEX centre. came up a ramp onto a higher level outside GMEX, this is right outside the front/side and not in parking areas or out of sight.

dropped of the stuff i had in the car and went to go back the way i came - only did not, where i thought there was a ramp was a set of stone steps around 20 of them to the lower level. Beached the scoob (Teetering) on the top steps much to the amusement of all the people who gathered.

Had to be towed off by a colleagues Galaxy much to the amusement of the gathered crowd. Suprised (and relieved) it never enedd up on one of the many CCTV shows about

what would scooby do

Tried to outrun some paparazi.. didn't work out as I planned..


Yours..
Di

daddyscoob

Well first one was in a Mini stopped at lights and bored.... thought I wonder if you can drive with your legs crossed. Right foot on clutch left on throttle..... so edged forwards and decided to stop - car in front - brain tells left foot to push down and BANG into the car in front. Paid him for a new bumper but didn't tell him what caused it

Second many years later in my Transit wating to turn right on a main road wheels pointing to the right thought it a good time to zero the trip gauge. Just as I have my arm through the steering wheel pushing the button on the speedo a gap appears so I go for it. Can't straighten the wheel cos my arm is through it mount a small kerb in the middle of the junction and hit a bollard much to everyone at the junctions amusement

amego

gpssti4

iTrader: (6)

I've a new Civic and as Clarkson says, be careful of releasing the bonnet when trying to release the fuel filler cap. I've only done this three times now. Stupid Honda

Then there's the time when we saw a mate walking back from the gym and I threw a raw egg at him from the passanger seat of another friends car. Unfortunately, the driver turned left as I released the egg............... only for it to hit the A pillar and cover the dash, window and me in raw egg. I spent an hour trying to clean the car the next day.

Prasius

iTrader: (1)

Thanks for resurrecting this - I've been laughing reading the whole thing.

Ms Gooner 1

Absolutely hilarious thread - had me in stitches!

I've done some pretty stu-pid things. first was when i just passed my test. Had a vauxhall Nova. Dropped my folks off at the train station all pleased with myself. then toed it all the way home - for some idiot reason I cam to a roundabout and didn't change down Managed amazingly to get round the roundabout with the **** end next to me in 5th gear - pulled off panicking and stalled it! Then flooded the engine! I was mortified, shaking and totally wanting to go back home as I was in the middle of the high street on a busy friday night!

And a year or so ago we had a Mazda RX7 - totaly stunning car . Went up to a local industrial estate to go to the bank - had a few appraising looks - more for the car I'm sure - from the local workers in the cafe. Got back in - sped off, lost the back end and fishtailed the length of the road! Phew! Managed to keep hold of it though - and for me, that was VERY lucky or else Mr Gooner would've had my head!

Also had a saphire cossy - i ahted it but had to drive it - took it to the petrol station and because i hadn't paid much attention to the alarm system - took me 20 minutes to get back into it. Meanwhile all the saturday night drivers in their souped up saxo's thought I was pretty daft "look at that bird, got a car like that and can't even get into it" - YES, thankyou

silent running

Keep 'em coming!

RB5201

I alwaya remember a busy saturday night in town, everyone used to stand outside one of the pubs when it was a nice evening which had a high street road in front of it which all the posers would cruise down. One busy evening the usual run of cars would be passing and one lad and his mates was paying more attention to the ladies standing outside than the queue of cars infront of him which had stopped. Wasnt until he had hit the car infront of him that he did notice!
Lucky for him as he was only going slowly it was only his pride which was badly hurt!!

The Chief

When i was 19 i had a 550 motorbike which wern't bad seeing as all my mates smoked around on old 100cc yams.

Anyway my bike had a racecan on it and i used to stroll up to it and fire it up when parked on my mates front, where all the young 16 year old girlies used to hang around incindentally.

This particular summers evening i strolled up and they were all there the young fit girlies with the short miniskirts on - lovely, i walked up dead casual with my helmet and wrap around Oakley blade rip offs on and put the key in, but instead of climbing aboard i used to stand at the side of the bike fire it up rev it a few times then hop on and roar off down the road, anyway some smart a*** had decided to kick it into gear so when i hit the starter button it pulled away and dragged me along for 10 yards before being dumped on my a*** in front of all these girls.


Another time i used to pull up on the same street corner and slam my front brakes on and lift the back wheel up, i did it one particular night and hit a bloody crisp packet locked my front wheel up and fell off - again in front of a load of girls.

The best one was a few years ago, i had bought a right old barge, and Audi A6 2.8 Quattro, i was going out to see a supplier and i booted it out of a junction i realised that all these school kids were cheering, anyway i had to turn left into the suppliers car park. realising all these kids were impressed with my expert driving skills and me looking cool as f*** with my shades on, to impress them further i hoofed it round in to the car park between these 2 brick walls, what i did not realise is that under my line of sight was a bloody great 3ft high steel bollard, 'CRUNCH' for a second i did not know what had happened. i got out and i'd caved in my passenger wing both doors and back quarter, All these kids were killing themselves laughing, one even shouted 'what a f**king dick' i swear i would have killed him but i was so embarrassed.


The damage - nearly 3k to you sir

silent running

LOL you must have felt a tit. I love the crisp packet incident. Weird how this kind of stuff always happens in front of girls!

Hanley

One of my first cars was an A reg Mark 1 Fiesta XR2, I thought it was the dogs danglies

Anyway, one day I had my mate in the passenger seat and we were sat at a red light on a main road, it was a sunny day so windows down and music on.

2 young honeys walked past, looking over and smiling so I thought I'd just rev the *** off the car to show how much of a man I wasn't

and what happened
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my exhaust fell off!!!

The honeys burst out laughing, as did most other people around, the people in the car behind me - and my mate!!!

Good old days

Jimpreza

Thats class mate. Reminds me when i was younger came screeching round the corner in my D reg XR2. Heard a bang and half my bodykit had fallen off to the amusement of a few schoolies.

p1mark

Its a bike one, but in a similiar vein.

1992 IIRC, and i had a Yamaha FZR1000 exup, i was 23.

My house was at the bottom of a hill, and the road was straight up maybe 300 yards to a T junction. Halfway up it was a park entrance with one of them big padlocked gates so that a fire engine could get through (the rec entrance as we used to call it)

One summers evening, a few of the local girlies (read slappers) were sitting on it gassing, probably with a *** in one hand and a woodpecker in the other, one of whose pants i was particularly interested in getting in....

Obviously, the way into a slappers knickers was to impress her by pulling wheelies (or so you think at that age)

So i see them at the gate, and think good oppurtunity to pull a massive wheelie and guarantee myself a **** next time i see her...

So i stick my lid and jacket on, warm the bike up on the drive for a minute (making sure they can hear me), pull out the drive and snick it into second before dipping the clutch and hauling a monster.

It was superb, i could almost smell the moistness as i passed them. 50 yards from the top of the road i let it down smoothly before braking and stopping at the T junction.

Like a **** i had trainers on, as i took my left foot off to stop at the junction, it decided to stay firmly attached to the peg via my laces which were tangled round the gear lever.

In true comedy style, the bike just toppled over to the left with my leg stuck under it. 30 seconds later 4 girlies who were wetting themselves with laughter had to wrestle the bike up onto it's wheels and release me from under it. I fooked off pretty sharpish once i had said thanks.

I did have a go at getting in her perdy white panties a month or two afterwards, but failed miserably. All down to my **** wheelie i reckon

stoneface

iTrader: (6)

Lol