Worlds worst timed guff
21 September 2005, 06:48 PM
#31
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dropped me guts on an airplane once, quite where i thought the smell would go i have no idea
guy next to me looked at me a bit funny (strange that!) i just pointed to the seat in front and held my nose while mouthing 'dirty ******'
guy next to me looked at me a bit funny (strange that!) i just pointed to the seat in front and held my nose while mouthing 'dirty ******'
21 September 2005, 06:52 PM
#32
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Originally Posted by alcazar
Sh*t, I think I've just laughed myself into a hernia
Brings to mind when our Alsation had a tummy upset one night, and couldn't wake me to get outside, as wife was away, and I'd had half a bottle of Scotch The poor sod was trapped in our hall.
Heard the postie knocking the next morning, looked out of the bedroom window, shouted "wait a sec" to him, and threw on my dressing gown.
Ran down the stairs, jumped off the third bottom step................and landed up to my foot tops in a HUGE pool of dog diarroeha
Splat! All up my legs, up the walls, between my toes etc etc.
I opened the door, and postie just starts saying "thanks for coming down, I've got a par...................aaaaargh" as the smell hit him.
He backed off very quick and I still thought he was gonna gip!
Took me almost an hour to sluice the hall carpet out with the garden hose.
Alcazar
Brings to mind when our Alsation had a tummy upset one night, and couldn't wake me to get outside, as wife was away, and I'd had half a bottle of Scotch
The poor sod was trapped in our hall.Heard the postie knocking the next morning, looked out of the bedroom window, shouted "wait a sec" to him, and threw on my dressing gown.
Ran down the stairs, jumped off the third bottom step................and landed up to my foot tops in a HUGE pool of dog diarroeha
Splat! All up my legs, up the walls, between my toes etc etc.
I opened the door, and postie just starts saying "thanks for coming down, I've got a par...................aaaaargh" as the smell hit him.
He backed off very quick and I still thought he was gonna gip!
Took me almost an hour to sluice the hall carpet out with the garden hose.
Alcazar
21 September 2005, 07:12 PM
#34
A few years back, I had a "problem" whilst out camping up North with some friends after eating a tinned curry (Tesco Value or similar...some cheap and nasty anyway ). Tasted ok, went down ok.
But the after effects later on...oh my word - it was bad.
Put it this way, I have never farted so much in my life. Every move I made was followed by a fart. Playing cricket was impossible without everyone in earshot laughing at my audible farting problem everytime I moved or the ones within smelling distance were gagging for fresh air (this was outside too...a feat in itself).
Even upon retiring to bed, there was no repent. Picture the scene one tent with farting noises comming from it and consistent moaning and gagging from the person I was sharing it with, and hysterical laughter comming from all the other tents.
No skid marks though!
But the after effects later on...oh my word - it was bad.
Put it this way, I have never farted so much in my life. Every move I made was followed by a fart. Playing cricket was impossible without everyone in earshot laughing at my audible farting problem everytime I moved or the ones within smelling distance were gagging for fresh air (this was outside too...a feat in itself).
Even upon retiring to bed, there was no repent. Picture the scene one tent with farting noises comming from it and consistent moaning and gagging from the person I was sharing it with, and hysterical laughter comming from all the other tents.
No skid marks though!
21 September 2005, 07:32 PM
#35
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was with a group of mates on a train to the gold cup a couple of years ago, carrage was full of posh totty drinking champers, mate sat next to me lets of the loudest longest, smelliest fart, everyones looking at the daft tw@t and he's straining himself to get the last parp out of it, then turns to me calling me a dirty b@stard, did rase a laugh
, did rase a laugh
21 September 2005, 08:58 PM
#36
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Hilarious thread
Heres my contribution...
When I used to do loads of Caffiene and sugar it used to play havoc with my digestive system. I think all the sugar fermented or something but whatever the cause was, the net result was farts from the very depths of hell itself.
Going to one rave on Friday and getting the train back in the morning was fun. Even though I managed to squeek em out quietly, the smell was bordering on the apocalyptic In the end I managed to clear the train carriage, despite all the windows being open and the looks on the peoples faces as they got on (then got off and found another carriage about 5 seconds later) was worth staying awake for, despite 26 hours without sleep!
These days its a lot easier with just one bottle of lucozade, no thermonuclear warfare in my underpants either
astraboy.
Heres my contribution...
When I used to do loads of Caffiene and sugar it used to play havoc with my digestive system. I think all the sugar fermented or something but whatever the cause was, the net result was farts from the very depths of hell itself.
Going to one rave on Friday and getting the train back in the morning was fun. Even though I managed to squeek em out quietly, the smell was bordering on the apocalyptic
In the end I managed to clear the train carriage, despite all the windows being open and the looks on the peoples faces as they got on (then got off and found another carriage about 5 seconds later) was worth staying awake for, despite 26 hours without sleep!These days its a lot easier with just one bottle of lucozade, no thermonuclear warfare in my underpants either
astraboy.
22 September 2005, 08:11 AM
#41
Originally Posted by J4CKO
Oh dear, just got back from my in laws house, we went to clear up after my mother in laws sixtieth birthday party, big do, lots of posh freinds and relatives, a lot stayed so were still there chatting, I am helping move a sofa back when a little strain related **** gas seeps out, no sound and only a little gas, I think I have got away with it having clenched and was planning on taking my leave to go to a secluded place for a controlled explosion when about ten people all simoultaneously get hit by the worlds smelliest and most concentrated fart, littlerally volume wise it cannot have been more than a couple of cubic centimetres
Cue lots of exagerated arm waving, gagging and swift exit (for most) whilst I look for a dog to blame, the dogs were over the other side of the room looking at me (obviously impressed) but definitely to0 far away to blame. As it went on it got stronger, billowing clouds of beefy badness.
Only one person stayed in the room, the man on the other end of the sofa as he was trapped in the corner, my wife's gentle, mild mannered uncle was stood there with nowhere to go, his last words were, well actually he did survive but I have never seen a 70 year old man vault a sofa like that before.
My mother in law comes back in the room carrying a lit scented candle whilst holding her nose.
I dont think I got away with that one......
Cue lots of exagerated arm waving, gagging and swift exit (for most) whilst I look for a dog to blame, the dogs were over the other side of the room looking at me (obviously impressed) but definitely to0 far away to blame. As it went on it got stronger, billowing clouds of beefy badness.
Only one person stayed in the room, the man on the other end of the sofa as he was trapped in the corner, my wife's gentle, mild mannered uncle was stood there with nowhere to go, his last words were, well actually he did survive but I have never seen a 70 year old man vault a sofa like that before.
My mother in law comes back in the room carrying a lit scented candle whilst holding her nose.
I dont think I got away with that one......
I've been a bit down lately , but I had tears running down my cheeks laughing at this -Its done me a world of good .Thanks for the story
22 September 2005, 04:52 PM
#45
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One evening about 16 years ago I was out on a first date. I was taking this cute girl to the cinema - I picked her up and she looked stunning. We were standing at the front of the queue when I thought I would drop an SBD. Unfortunately the S bit didn't happen and about 40 heads turned in my direction. My natural defence kicked in to deny first and think later, so I said to the girl "Awww - you are disgusting" - She was mortified. Now after 10 years of mariage she still gets upset when I fart and blame her
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