Bad joke thread
23 November 2006, 12:18 PM
#31
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Originally Posted by merlin24
I was at the Cashpoint the other day.
An old Grannie in front of me asked if i could check her Balance.
So i pushed the old cow over !!!
An old Grannie in front of me asked if i could check her Balance.
So i pushed the old cow over !!!
23 November 2006, 12:28 PM
#33
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Originally Posted by Bug Eyed Peas
Just got barred from B&Q, some **** in an orange apron asked me if I wanted decking, luckily I got the first punch in. 
23 November 2006, 12:35 PM
#34
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Man says to wife - "I fancy kinky sex, Can i come in your ear"?
Wife says - "no i might go deaf"!
Man says - "Ive been coming in your gob for 20 yrs and you still talk f*ckin ****".
well the title did say "bad taste"
Wife says - "no i might go deaf"!
Man says - "Ive been coming in your gob for 20 yrs and you still talk f*ckin ****".
well the title did say "bad taste"
23 November 2006, 12:38 PM
#35
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Luke Skywalker gets up xmas morning, runs down stairs and just as he's about to reach the tree Darth Vader says, "Luke.....I know what you got for xmas....."
"How do you know that father?" Luke replies.....
"Because......
I felt your presents"
"How do you know that father?" Luke replies.....
"Because......
I felt your presents"
23 November 2006, 12:42 PM
#36
Hers a few :-
1. Answer phone message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to
have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
ar$e."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, Or my
older brother Colin, Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's
Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Some really bad ones there
1. Answer phone message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to
have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
ar$e."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, Or my
older brother Colin, Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's
Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Some really bad ones there
23 November 2006, 12:52 PM
#38
Not jokes but real life is always funnier so try these :-
A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in
competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listener's
lives. The following are the final four placegetters:-
4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided
to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able
to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other patrons.
I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right
now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's ***** last night!'
The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered
the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me
were the screams of laughter.
3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday.
I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the
evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we
lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing
downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get
dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'
My entire family...aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my
friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen
to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an
eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she
finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checkout chick got on the public
address system and boomed out for all the store to hear 'Price check on lane 13
...TAMPAX,
...SUPERSIZE.'
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word 'TAMPAX' for 'THUMBTACKS'
In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
public address system:
'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
KIND YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?'
and the winner is
This one happened at a major Australian University In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female, raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand
what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in the male semen as in sugar?'
'That's correct.' Responded the professor, going on to add some
statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why
doesn't it taste sweet?'
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly
what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without a
word walked out of the class, and never returned.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's
reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question.
'IT DOESN'T TASTE SWEET BECAUSE THE TASTE-BUDS FOR SWEETNESS
ARE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE AND NOT IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT.'
A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in
competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listener's
lives. The following are the final four placegetters:-
4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided
to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able
to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other patrons.
I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right
now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's ***** last night!'
The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered
the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me
were the screams of laughter.
3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday.
I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the
evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we
lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing
downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get
dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'
My entire family...aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my
friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen
to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an
eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she
finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checkout chick got on the public
address system and boomed out for all the store to hear 'Price check on lane 13
...TAMPAX,
...SUPERSIZE.'
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word 'TAMPAX' for 'THUMBTACKS'
In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
public address system:
'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
KIND YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?'
and the winner is
This one happened at a major Australian University In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female, raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand
what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in the male semen as in sugar?'
'That's correct.' Responded the professor, going on to add some
statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why
doesn't it taste sweet?'
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly
what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without a
word walked out of the class, and never returned.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's
reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question.
'IT DOESN'T TASTE SWEET BECAUSE THE TASTE-BUDS FOR SWEETNESS
ARE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE AND NOT IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT.'
23 November 2006, 01:50 PM
#40
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Originally Posted by SJ_Skyline
you can't beat Tommy Cooper
but sometimes I take off my tie and leave my shirt hanging out........"
========
"I'm on a whisky diet.....
I've lost 3 days already"
23 November 2006, 01:51 PM
#41
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This thread needs a comeback;
https://www.scoobynet.com/non-scooby...+text+messages
Some wicked stuff in there, some from me
Rep me if you like
John
Edited to add, if you do go, make sure you have an hour or so to spare :-)
https://www.scoobynet.com/non-scooby...+text+messages
Some wicked stuff in there, some from me
Rep me if you like
John
Edited to add, if you do go, make sure you have an hour or so to spare :-)
23 November 2006, 02:00 PM
#42
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Originally Posted by gpssti4
A brown paper bag walks into the doctors and says it's feeling ill.
The doctor carries out some tests and asks the bag to come back next week.
The bag goes back into the doctors and sits down.
"I've some bad news for you" says the doctor. "You've got HIV"
"How can that be I'm a brown paper bag" says the bag.
"Well, do you inject drugs?"
"No I can't I'm a brown paper bag"
"Well, are you gay?"
"No, I'm a brown paper bag"
"Well, do you have unprotected sex?"
"No, I'm a brown paper bag"
"Well, that only leaves one thing then".........
..................... "Your mother must have been a carrier!"
The doctor carries out some tests and asks the bag to come back next week.
The bag goes back into the doctors and sits down.
"I've some bad news for you" says the doctor. "You've got HIV"
"How can that be I'm a brown paper bag" says the bag.
"Well, do you inject drugs?"
"No I can't I'm a brown paper bag"
"Well, are you gay?"
"No, I'm a brown paper bag"
"Well, do you have unprotected sex?"
"No, I'm a brown paper bag"
"Well, that only leaves one thing then".........
..................... "Your mother must have been a carrier!"
Absolute cracker
23 November 2006, 02:15 PM
#45
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Originally Posted by jasey
Two elephants jumped off a cliff.
Boom Boom.
Boom Boom.
Number 14
23 November 2006, 02:18 PM
#46
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Originally Posted by davegtt
There were too many in there - and it was a cut/paste job .
23 November 2006, 02:38 PM
#48
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Originally Posted by davegtt
well since you couldnt be bothered to read his post and create a SIAL have some bad rep 
Mind you creating a SIAL on the same thread is pretty bad
23 November 2006, 02:45 PM
#49
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lol you might have beat me by 18 months on here but I probably spend longer here so that'll make you the newbie
Its ok, only 1 person has recieved bad rep off me and they know who it is.
Its ok, only 1 person has recieved bad rep off me and they know who it is.
23 November 2006, 02:52 PM
#50
What kind of bees give milk?
Boo Bees...
What is Henry VIII middle name?
The
What's pink and red and can't turn around in corridors?
A baby with a javelin through its head.
Terrible...
Boo Bees...
What is Henry VIII middle name?
The
What's pink and red and can't turn around in corridors?
A baby with a javelin through its head.
Terrible...
23 November 2006, 03:17 PM
#51
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Originally Posted by jasey
What do you call a man with a hotel on his head ?
Norman Tebbit
Norman Tebbit
23 November 2006, 03:28 PM
#56
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Originally Posted by jasey
Don't think the youngsters get it
Piper Alpha...
23 November 2006, 03:39 PM
#59
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Originally Posted by richiewong
Whats red and crawls along the takeaway counter...
....abortion of chips
....abortion of chips
There's a string hanging out of your bloody mary.
23 November 2006, 03:42 PM
#60
Originally Posted by jasey
I've got a new worst joke ever
Not so much a joke, more nostalgia - Nnnyyghhhhh!!!! Joey!!! (accompanied by frantic hand waggling)