a few joke's pleaasse
The best one so far
07 July 2007, 02:03 PM
#32
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Whats the similarity between a bungee jump and a granny giving oral s3x?
They`re both amazing, just don`t look down.
*I`ll get mi coat.
They`re both amazing, just don`t look down.
*I`ll get mi coat.
07 July 2007, 02:08 PM
#33
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Husband says to wife "Look my Olympic C*ndoms have arrived, I think I`ll wear gold tonight"
Wife says "Why don`t you wear silver and come 2nd for a change"
Wife says "Why don`t you wear silver and come 2nd for a change"
07 July 2007, 05:33 PM
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08 July 2007, 10:50 AM
#37
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Location: Aylesbury. Type-R V4, 2.2l 415BHP, 400LBS. Feels good!!! Now i really want more !!!
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Bloke walks up to a bird in a bar and says, "Hi my names BOND "! She says, "dont tell me, its JAMES". He said "no its UNI, i'm here to fill yer crack"!
08 July 2007, 02:24 PM
#40
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08 July 2007, 03:28 PM
#42
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Irish muslims have just crashed one of them new skodas into Dublin Airport.
There's feckin jam and sponge everywhere !
There's feckin jam and sponge everywhere !
08 July 2007, 03:41 PM
#43
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened ! ?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened ! ?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
08 July 2007, 04:25 PM
#46
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One of the Glasgow car bombers Dr. Sinje Majeep is complaining to the government that all he gets to eat in his secure hospital unit is " Neeps and Tatties" or sometimes Haggis and a wee dram.
What does he expect in the Burns unit ?.
What does he expect in the Burns unit ?.
08 July 2007, 04:27 PM
#47
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll
take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into
Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and
says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and
jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry
falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head
and says, "**** dat. Dis budgie jumping is too ****'n dangerous for
me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the
pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then
throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a
cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the
chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears
down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"**** dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den
Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his ****'n hengliding!"
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll
take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into
Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and
says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and
jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry
falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head
and says, "**** dat. Dis budgie jumping is too ****'n dangerous for
me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the
pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then
throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a
cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the
chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears
down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"**** dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den
Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his ****'n hengliding!"
09 July 2007, 07:12 AM
#48
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite,Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
The door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
Much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jees's . . . I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it"
and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of
Coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite,Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
The door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
Much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jees's . . . I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it"
and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of
Coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
09 July 2007, 07:39 AM
#49
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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite,Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
The door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
Much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jees's . . . I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it"
and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of
Coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite,Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
The door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
Much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jees's . . . I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it"
and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of
Coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
09 July 2007, 08:28 AM
#50
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Two muslim mothers watching their children playing in the park. One says to the other.......''you have to enjoy them at this age, they blow up so quickly.'' 
DJ Vinyl Ritchie.........Husband says to his wife - ''can you think of something that will make me happy and sad at the same time? ''ok'' replies wife, ''your **** is bigger than your brothers.''
DJ Vinyl Ritchie.........Husband says to his wife - ''can you think of something that will make me happy and sad at the same time? ''ok'' replies wife, ''your **** is bigger than your brothers.''
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