Joke of the day...post yours here
02 October 2008, 05:37 PM
#31
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A nun returns to the convent covered in mud. The Mother Superior asks, 'What on earth happened to you?'
'I was graped on my way home!!' came the reply.
'Graped?? Exclaims the head nun, 'Don't you mean raped??'
'Oh no, there was a bunch of them'
'I was graped on my way home!!' came the reply.
'Graped?? Exclaims the head nun, 'Don't you mean raped??'
'Oh no, there was a bunch of them'
02 October 2008, 05:49 PM
#32
The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of ******! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!
Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on ... .My face'
I've just been 2 my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but f**k me pass the parcel was fast!
Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the b*st*rd was corgi registered
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of ******! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!
Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on ... .My face'
I've just been 2 my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but f**k me pass the parcel was fast!
Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the b*st*rd was corgi registered
03 October 2008, 10:41 AM
#33
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress
party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another
parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will
really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has
gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald
head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later
he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick
your wooden leg up your ar * se and go as a toffee apple.
party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another
parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will
really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has
gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald
head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later
he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick
your wooden leg up your ar * se and go as a toffee apple.
03 October 2008, 11:56 AM
#34
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John wayne, clint eastwood, & paul newman, were in the jungle discussing who was the hardest.
Eastwood says "i killed a bear with my bare hands".
Newman says "i wrestled 2 adult crocs gouged both their eyes & killed them both".
john wayne just sat there saying nothing, poking the fire with his ****!
Eastwood says "i killed a bear with my bare hands".
Newman says "i wrestled 2 adult crocs gouged both their eyes & killed them both".
john wayne just sat there saying nothing, poking the fire with his ****!
03 October 2008, 12:09 PM
#35
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Chubby Brown
I went to see Chubby Brown last month. As soon as he came on stage I started shouting "You fat ba$tard! You fat ba$tard!"
Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.
Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.
03 October 2008, 12:29 PM
#37
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Boy says to mum: I've got the biggest **** at nursery, is it cos I'm a northerner? No she replies, it's because your 32 and a ******* retard, now be a good lad and watch you don't spill spaghetti down your man utd shirt....
Alan Carr quip
03 October 2008, 01:23 PM
#40
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03 October 2008, 02:57 PM
#41
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My GF says she wants to try getting rid of her love handles.
I told her she'd look f*cking stupid without ears!
I told her she'd look f*cking stupid without ears!
03 October 2008, 03:11 PM
#42
A couple have gone to bed.
The women feels her husband touching her body in a pleasurable manner.
He runs his hands across her shoulders, back across her breasts, he moves
down her sides and over her stomach and then below her waist.
By now she's quite aroused and positions herself a little better when all
of a sudden he stops and turns over.
"Why have you stopped love?" she asks
He replies " Ive found the remote"
The women feels her husband touching her body in a pleasurable manner.
He runs his hands across her shoulders, back across her breasts, he moves
down her sides and over her stomach and then below her waist.
By now she's quite aroused and positions herself a little better when all
of a sudden he stops and turns over.
"Why have you stopped love?" she asks
He replies " Ive found the remote"
03 October 2008, 03:16 PM
#43
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Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Sorry Boys
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Sorry Boys
03 October 2008, 03:35 PM
#48
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Ultimate phone prank:
1. Call the Childline number and say, "I've just pressed redial and this number came up, who is this?"
2. Operator replies, "you're through to Childline."
3. You shout, "TERRY, YOU LITTLE ****, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE *******" before hanging up the phone.
1. Call the Childline number and say, "I've just pressed redial and this number came up, who is this?"
2. Operator replies, "you're through to Childline."
3. You shout, "TERRY, YOU LITTLE ****, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE *******" before hanging up the phone.
03 October 2008, 03:39 PM
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03 October 2008, 03:44 PM
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03 October 2008, 03:45 PM
#54
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TBH seen most of the thread on sickipedia. Peeps shouldn't just take stuff off the front page!
A snail is crossing the road. As he's about to get to the other side a turtle runs him over. The paramedics transport the unconcious snail to hospital. The doctors work to revive the snail and, when he awakens, the doctor asks him what happened. The snail replies,
"I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
5t.
A snail is crossing the road. As he's about to get to the other side a turtle runs him over. The paramedics transport the unconcious snail to hospital. The doctors work to revive the snail and, when he awakens, the doctor asks him what happened. The snail replies,
"I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
5t.
03 October 2008, 03:51 PM
#55
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A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Dodsworth, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Dodsworth had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Dodsworth," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Dodsworth is dead?!?!"
He examined the body of Mr. Dodsworth, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Dodsworth had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Dodsworth," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Dodsworth is dead?!?!"
03 October 2008, 03:53 PM
#56
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A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time..
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time..
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
03 October 2008, 04:55 PM
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my son just said to me , ''mum you need to take you're bum back where you got it from''
WHY!? I said....
he replied 'cause its got a crack in it!!!'
WHY!? I said....
he replied 'cause its got a crack in it!!!'
