Tam the bam

Heard a similar one but it was Ram and Sheep!

Dan Gleebits

FPMSL !!!!

Lee247

My fav up to now

David Lock

Found this in the attic, covered in cobwebs.....



In the distant and dank Transylvanian mountains was a vampire bat cave.

One night, Vein - the chief Vampire, flapped back in with his lips and teeth dripping fresh blood.

This got all the other Vamps excited and they pestered Vein to tell him where he had been for such a feast.

In the end he gave in and explained to them:


"OK boys - do you see those far away mountains?"


"Yes, yes" they squealed


"And to the left an old turreted castle?"


"Yes, yes" they squawked in glee


"And that old tree in the shadows in front"


"Yes, yes, yes" they screamed as one



















"Well good," said Vein, "'cos I fecking didn't"

jayb1970

When asked if I would prefer legs or a breast I answered that I have a particular fondness for shaven fannies. I was then informed that is not an option when buying a KFC bargain bucket.


A farmer in Barsnley catches a bloke drinking from his streamand shouts"heyop **** tha dunt wanna be drinkin watter from theer it's full o hoss **** an cow ****e"
The bloke drinking says" sorry I'm from Afganistan can you speak a bit slower please"
The farmer replies "OK, if you use 2 hands you can drink quicker"


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight and the operator asks him " how many people will be travelling with you sir? "
Paddy replies " how do I know it's your fookin plane "

gpssti4

iTrader: (6)

A Nun goes to her Mother Superior and says that she wants to leave the convent and become a prostitute. The Mother Superior staggers backwards and says please repeat that again. The Nun again says that she wants to leave and become a prostitute. The Mother Superior says thank God, for a moment I thought you said you wanted to become a protastant.

wheelwright

A young boy catches his mum and dad having sex and asks "What you Doing"

Dad replies "Making you a brother or sister"

Young boy says "Do her doggy style - I want a puppy"

wheelwright

Scotch fella sees a job advertised as a f@nny waxers assistant.

Duties are:- removing ladies knickers, prepare f@nny for waxing and then rub oil after waxing.

The man asks about the job at jobcentre and is told to go to Plymouth.

He asks if that's where the job is? Jobcentre say's "No, that's where the back of the queue is"

Jeem

iTrader: (1)

3 parrots for sale. £100,£200,£15. A woman asks "why is that parrot so cheap?" The shopkeeper replies "because it used to live in a brothal" the woman its funny and buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says, "**** me a new brothal" the woman laughs. 2 daughters come home, the parrot says, "**** me new prossies" The girls laugh. The husband comes home and the parrot says, "**** me Brian havn't seen you for weeks"

Jeem

iTrader: (1)

2 gays rupert and cecil are lying in bed together when rupert starts rubbing vaseline on his chest cecil said, "what are you doing" Rupert said, "I read in a gay mag vaseline stimulates hair growth I want a hairy chest" cecil said, "dont be so ****ing stupid if that were true I would have a ponytail sticking out my ***"

Jeem

iTrader: (1)

A man pinches his wifes *** and says, "do you know if you firm this up you could get rid of your girdle" rather annoyed she decides to bite her tounge and say nothing, later that night in bed the husband squeezed her **** and said, "did you know if you firm these up you can get rid of your bra!" Absoulty fuming the wife reached over and grabbed his dick and said, "well did you know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the gardner, the milk man and your ****ing brother

stealthy55

a redhead and a blonde pass a flower shop as the redhead spots her fella buying flowers, she says "oh **** he always has expectations after buying me flowers, i dont feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air" the blonde says................ dont you have a vase?

Will

which is odd on out? a woman, fridge freezer, washing machine or a tv????

























































































A tv, the others leak when they are fukced

Blue by You

iTrader: (23)

What's the difference between light and hard?















You can sleep with a light on!

Aaron1978

iTrader: (12)

3 women. 1 married 1 engaged and 1 a mistress. They decide to treat their men by wearing black leather bras stileto heels and a mask. The next day the 3 women are talking about last night.

The engaged woman says 'my man leapt on me and made love all night'

The mistress adds 'me too, we had wild mad passionate sex all night long'

The married woman sighs 'my husband came home, took one look at me and said whats for ****ing tea batman'

speedking

My friend Sidney has been the victim of ID theft.

Now we have to call him Sney

Kieran_Burns

iTrader: (1)

You CAN sleep with a hard on - with the added advantage of not being able to roll out of bed!

f1_fan

iTrader: (9)

A woman is involved in a terrible car crash and ends up in a coma for several weeks. One day whilst giving her a bed bath the nurse notices that the woman stirs when ever she touches her privates with the flannel. That night when the woman's husband comes to visit the nurse takes him to one side and says in hushed tomes that she thinks his wife might respond to oral sex.

She agrees to let the man into his wife's room to test out her theory while she stands guard at the door to prevent any unwanted interruptions. The womans' husband duly disappears into his wife's room but after five minutes the heart monitor flatlines and all manner of alarms go off. The nurse flings open the door to find the husband crying, he looks up and says 'I think she choked'

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Whilst out with the wife last night having a meal at a local pub I decided to sneak into the kitchen to see how hygenic it was. To my shock I saw a big, sweaty, old head chef, and he had his false teeth out and was using them to put the edgings on the pastry for the pies.

I said, "You dirty *******, haven't you got a tool?" and he said, "Yeah, but I use that for putting the rings in the doughnuts.

Scoobychick

iTrader: (1)

We didn't go out last night did we?

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

You are his mistress

Maz

iTrader: (34)

I found a great book on cooking roadkill. Problem is doesn't tell you what do with bicycles.

Aaron1978

iTrader: (12)

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that
you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish,
genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'NO ****,' He said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'



Aaron

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

A few Paddy jokes

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You f***ing b*stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and
said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but
I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you
with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years
I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a
f***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!'



Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts
in disbelief. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.'

'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'

The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want
to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

Lee247

Swiss, first one was diabolical. Second one was

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

A man says to his wife, "What would you say if I told you I'd won the lottery?"

She says, "I'd take half and then leave you."

"Excellent," the guy says. "I had three numbers come up and won a tenner. Here's a fiver... now fu*k off!"

Blue by You

iTrader: (23)

A man in Aberdeen calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
yoursister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Aberdeen immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own
way.'

Turbohot

Some really good jokes on this thread.



I spoke of this one in a "conditioning" discussion at some venue. My colleagues were p!ssing themselves laughing at it! >

Very good!

Blue by You

iTrader: (23)

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said,
'Oh myGod! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said.

'Just get out.'


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband

Blue by You

iTrader: (23)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them You know you always forgetto salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied,





'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'