Snazy

Cheers people

Facebook is the method of finding her. Still not 100% but as close as I can get. After 9 years, another few months wont hurt But the reasoning for waiting so long, I cant really explain. Has just been the right thing to do til now. Coping mechanism, family disruption etc. Not always the right reasoning but I took it hard when it all happened, so felt right.

As for her mum mellowing over the years, yup its totally possible. She was not always an arsehole, just had her moments, especially at the end. But I would have hoped that she would have tried to make contact if she felt it was right. Contact numbers and address are the same they always have been. And they are about 4-5 miles up the road (im shocked to be honest)

She does not have any family no, which is another reason its sad she has never tried to get back in touch. Her father died of heart disease when she was about 13-14, he sister died an accidental death from an attention seeking overdose when she was 15, and her mother died of cancer when she was 15-16. She was on her own when I met her, just about 18.

As Sian was only 4 when I stopped seeing her I cant be sure that she even remembers that the person she may call dad now, will not be assumed to be her father fullstop. However the fact she appears (if its her) to still have her mothers name, would indicate its maybe not like that.

Steph, sounds like you have managed to speak your mind. What was his reaction to it all ? You hoping to see him again.

I think the explaination of why im trying to contact her is best saved for her mum for the time being. Death is a hard pill for kids to swallow from people they know, let alone from a stranger.

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Who you gonna call ?

Snazy

Hmmmm probably not eh

Just found some other pics. Im gonna stop looking now, and do something about it in the coming days, i.e start checking things out
Prob got it all wrong, but can only try.

ScoobyDriverWannabe

i would edit that i got a warming for posting a pic of JK

I apologize Snazy for any offense i may have caused

Will

Snazy, i wish you all the best with this mate, and hope it does work out for you. Merry christmas mate.

G-string

iTrader: (1)

Im on the other side hear, I think, was brought up by my grandparents, though am in regular touch with my mother. I would love my father to get in touch, even if it were to only give him crap. Though I know theres two sides and all that. You never know maybee he has a 'great excuse'. By the way I have also got a brother I have never known, but would love to, hes a year younger than me and as my mother couldnt cope, I was with my grandparents, he was addopted out. Dont even know where to start regarding what to do. I would like to contact both for different reasons, but dont know what they would think. Anyway my 2p, maybee a different perspective.

MJW

If it was my daughter I would have moved heaven & earth to see her and raised an unholy firestorm of titanic proportions to anyone who prevented me from seeing her, before even 2 weeks was up, let alone ten years

wiley

iTrader: (63)

drive to her front door in your scooby, this will definently impress her... on a serious note, good luck sorting things out & xmas is a time of get together

wiley

Lisawrx

iTrader: (1)

Not that I know your life, but it is often easy to think what we would do in a situation we aren't in. Without knowing all the facts, and even then, people have their reasons for actions, I don't think we can really judge.

Snazy, I hope it all works out, and if this is her, I think it's best to go through her mother, even though it may be difficult. I can't really see any other fair way, and maybe she has changed too. Tbh, there is no way of knowing how this will turn out, but I would say, there isn't ever really a right time. You are doing this now, at least in part, because of your Mam, which is fair enough. However I would say, you need to make contact anyway, no matter what the result. We only have one real chance in life, don't leave it too late because the time isn't right for whatever reason. It could blow up in your face, take some time or work out well, at least you will both know where you stand. She is only young still, and I'm no expert, but maybe it's best not to let too much more time pass between you. Only imo.

Fuzz

Been there and done it, however I was the kid..

Took quite while to pick up the phone but I eventually did and Just said.. "Hi dad" after I think about a 10 year absence.

Once you get on and do it... however that may be, you will relax I'm sure.

Snazy

Cheers guys. Was not gonna do much of detail but just to clarify a few points.
I was first accused of some serous things as a distraction, never made legal, but was enough to cause me to back off for a couple of week. Giving her time to move.
Of course I sought legal advice on the matter, and spent a few months and a lot of money with a solicitor, unfortunatly I was advised at the end of that that the mother was playing games, running a bill up for me, and ultimately any court order imposed could just be ignored and the cycle would begin again.
Im not saying I did the right thing for one second, but I did what I needed to do in the given situation. At that point I was about as close to the edge as I ever want to be, and no use to anyone.
The other angle on this is this one.
Sometimes its better for the situation to just walk away. Given the choice of giving my daughter 10 years of being piggy in the middle, a pawn in a sick game, a tool for bargaining for money with, and confusing and upsetting the hell out of her.
OR
A period of missing daddy, then occasional times thoughout that time feeling a little upset etc, and wondering what she did wrong for dad to go... I chose the one that I felt was best for her given the time, situation and circumstances.

One thing I do know is, her mum was good at giving her reasons daddy could not be there, but he really wanted to be. That was always the story, just to try and keep the upset at bay.

After a certain amount of time passes, it becomes a feeling of being "for the best" to leave it til she was at an age where I could hold a conversation with her, rather than confuse her, make a liar out of her mum, and mess things up good and proper.

Lisa, your spot on, there is never a right time, but there are right reasons. And her seeing her grandmother is an important one to me, and worth bringing the planned date forward to give every opportunity for the right things to happen.

Wiley, I would but I sold the Scooby in the summer mate, and now have a Xsara Picasso lol. She might however like the dogs.
That said I dont want my daughters first memory of meeting me again to be "would you like to see some cute puppies" lol

Serious though, im not for one second expecting to hear the word "dad" for a long time, if ever to be fair.
Im am sure there is a whole lot of things to be said and thrown at me, verbally and physically.
Positive that there is pain, anger, upset, confusion and much more all built up inside of here.
And a long rocky road ahead to even start trying to make sense of this all. For us both.

IF its her.

However IF its her, at this time, I am not the man I once was, I am stronger and more determined now, and of a far more stable mind (believe it or not) and once confirmed if it is her, I will not give up, I will not back down and I will not rest until I have achieved what I am setting out to do now. And that is make contact again........... what happens after that, is anyones guess.

Just to make sense of my intentions. I am under no false illusions that things will just fall into place and all be ok again. In other peoples eyes I have done the wrong thing, so im pretty sure there is a big chance of her sharing the same opinion. If its her, if she and her mum will even entertain ANY contact, it will be starting from fresh....one day at a time.

Lisawrx

iTrader: (1)

I don't think it's really fair of anyone to say you have done the wrong thing and pass judgement. You did what you thought best at the time, and despite even if other people have been in th same sort of situation, we are all different, and act differently for our own reasons. Then of course there are those who haven't been in a position like this to truely know what they would do, depending on the specifics.

Tbh, Snazy, it doesn't reall matter what I or anyone thinks (good or bad), what is important is you act now, and face head on whatever is to come. This could go smoothly, or be a nightmare, but you just have to deal with that, and know you have done everything in your power to try and make right, the wrongs of the past. There is no turning back the clock, but hopefully it is not too late to change the future.

Good luck, and I hope it all works out for you and your family.

Snazy

Cheers Lisa.
No I agree, peoples opinions have no bearing on the actual matter, but I am more than willing to entertain peoples opinions. Its always easier from the outside in.
There is indeed no turning back time, cant change my decision now, but can do something about it.
In my book I write about the "sliding doors effect" stolen from the film of course, but as we pass through the doors our life changes forever in an instant.... Mine did too, but now I have a chance to meet up with another path again.

I am going to check out everything I can, in any way I can, and if im right, pursue it to the end. But im not rushing a single thing right now. Just taking my time, not getting carried away, or starting to build up any hopes.

Snazy

Been doing as much checking as I can on the interweb thingy, and I am now as sure as I can be that it is her. I have "confirmed" her age, which makes that correct too.
Roll on 09 when I can do something positive about all this

I have found a couple of mediation services which could help. Just got to see how to go about initial contact, and if they will assist or that will be a solicitor.

MJW

So a solicitor told you not to bother with any legal action because the legal action would be ignored ? I find this very strange advice & would've tried another solicitor. Even if you had been charged with something & were subject to a restraining order you still have the legal right to see your children, even if it's just supervised visits.

Still what's done in done now and you must look forward. Don't just send her a Facebook message then turn up with a Nintendo DS and the latest mobile phone in a desperate attempt at atonement. She's 14 years old now and will have already developed an opinion of you which will probably involve a lot of resentment unfortunately. You've had no involvement in her upbringing at all and she will want to know why. You must prepare yourself for the ramifications of this not just for yourself but to all the other people involved.
Good luck.

Snazy

lol almost right but with some inaccuracies in there for good measure

I dont know if you have read anything I have written, but im certainly not going to send a facebook message, nor try and bribe her to forget the past ten years with some cheap tat. My intentions could in fact not be any further from that if I tried.

However you make a valid point, and one I am more than aware of. Its NOT going to be easy, and I am under no illusions that it is for one second. Which is why its not my intentions to pursue immediate contact with her.


With regards to the legal advice, without going into the finer details of exactly what was going on, its hard to explain my stand point. And while I dont for one second think you expect me to, I would just like to confirm I wont be going into those details.

I took advice, which I considered nothing more than that, far from gospel. And made my own decisions based on that advice.

To explain one point though, the advice from the solicitor was along the lines of, access is a civil case, which will result in a civil order. The order can be ignored with no real legal implications, and the only course of action is re-visit court, which in turn costs money. Making a money-go-round out of me.

As you say, right or wrong, whats done it done. Always easier from the outside in to pass comment and judgement

PS, personal choice and all, but given the choice of limited access with restraining orders and social supervision, or no contact......... I would go with no contact. Having worked with social services on such cases, I have a good idea of what is thought of some of these parents and the long term effects it has on all involved.

Im happy where I am now, given the situation I had to contend with. If it ends up with a happy reunion, excellent. If it does not... then thats another persons opinion of me I am left to live with. But I can say with my hand on my heart... I tried

thesyn

Must have been said before but as in "Something about mary".....stalker

Snazy

I think this has been said before too....

"Random"

Anything sensible to add? Thought not lol

phil_wrx

iTrader: (2)

snaz u have to talk to her mum first as u dont want it being taken the wrong way, im sure time will of healed old wounds.


good luck by the way

Snazy

I will be going one step further than that and getting mediation to speak the first words to her, the go slowly from there mate

Im honestly not hoping to undo the past. I am still poretty angry but what took place, but always willing to give people another chance.
A trait I can only hope has passed on to Sian.

Cheers for the good wishes
Nothing gonna happen this side of the new year now. So I can only wish the not so little lil one a happy xmas, and hope its a good one for her.

Fingers crossed I can get the ball in motion in time for hers and mine birthdays

Snazy

Quick update..

Thanks to a tip from a friend, I have found my daughters mum on Friends Reunited. So needless to say I have sent a message to her. All be it a bit garbled, but trying to make a very straight point, without all the "please forgive me" stuff.

I can only hope she finds it in her heart to reply either way.

I do now know its 100% my daughter I found. Also that her mum married last year, but my daughter has kept her name. And that also she is an only child. Its the same guy that her mum has been with roughly since I lost contact. So at least I know things have been stable.

ScoobyWon't

You've always got some sort of adventure on the go, haven't you? Best of luck

samcowrx

Hi Snazy, i wish you all the best in this, its a very tricky thing i am sure!, you seem to be (at the moment!) very level headed and open minded about the whole thing, which i reckon is best for the whole duration of your quest!.

I am now 31 years old, i have never ever met my dad or seen a picture of him, when i was growing up i did not really miss him because i never knew him at all, i did not know any different, i had a good mum, they were married but he left when i was 3 months old. When i was growing up i did think about 'dad' in my own head because my friends had one but not me, my mum never still to this day ever had a boyfriend, from what i could gather he was a bit of a drinker.

All i do know is that in my case when i started reaching an age where i was conscious of the whole situation, and mature enough to think about him not coming to find me or meeting him ever, i started to resent him and not ever want to meet him, or find him, this must have been mid teens.

I suppose what i am trying to say in my situation is that i wished my dad had come and found me at an early age, an age around early teens or before probably would have been best, (this is in my case) i dont know how it would have been for me, or if a relationship would develope, but just meeting him would have been enough.

I have still never met my dad, and i do not wish too, probably because it was obvious he never wanted to meet, or find me.

Will

Nice 1 mate. And the best of luck to ya

Snazy

lol life would be boring without some sort of adventure eh.

Samco, similar to me really, im 35 now, my dad died a few years back, with me meeting him just once. Was not impressed then, and it was more my asking than his wanting. I was about 10-12 then. Never really bothered with him after that.
So im more than aware of how it could go.
But also aware of how it feels to grow up without a dad, and all the wondering you do.
Her mum does not appear to have tried to "replace" me so to speak, which is a bonus, and sort of what I always expected really.

Like you say, but from the other side for me, just meeting her would be amazing, and im hoping she is curious enough to make that a reality. But only time will tell in this case.

Not knowing how frequently her mum uses the net, im gonna have to give it a couple of weeks before assuming no reply is coming (if it comes to that) Before deciding my next step.
In an ideal world, her mum will agree to make contact with my mum, and then they can go from there. I would love dearly for some pics of them together.
As I have said in my contact to her, if she cannot see a way for me to make direct contact at this time, I fully understand that.

Lets see what becomes of it all

Cheers Mr Impreza

samcowrx

Well Snazy, i can only wish you all the luck in this, and hope it works out, for everyone, i think if its done in the correct way, over a long time, just about anything positive can happen!.

I bet the wait for that reply will seem like ages!
Good luck!

Snazy

Cheers mate.
Like you say, over time. Im in no rush. Only bit I really want to happen in any time frame is mum and her to meet, before its too late.

Got the rest of our lives really.

Will

Really feel for you there fella. At least this time it is you wanting and making an effort and not like sort of not let history repeat it self

you are doing all you can to get involved, credit to you mate

Snazy

Cheers mate, I failed on part 1 of the plan... Never let my daughter grow up without her dad... Swore that would never happen.... EPIC FAIL lol (im light hearted about it )
Hoping I can maybe prevent further cascade.

Like I say the signs are hopeful, as her mum has not tried to erase me, for which im grateful.
Now all I can do is try and be there, and maybe over time become of some use to my daughter. Not trying to be "dad" over night..... Not any time soon. Unless thats what she were to want. But that would be unfair on the guy thats been there the last 10 years. Credit to him too.