Joke Time Don't read if easilly offended
13 March 2009, 02:01 PM
#34
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I'm currently single but I do have a f*ck buddy and from time to time we like to bring another girl into the mix.
So last night I met this gorgeous, young girl and asked if she fancied coming home with me and joining in with our fun.
She agreed but when we got back and I introduced her she called me 'sick' and ran a mile.
I probably should have told her my sister has down syndrome.
So last night I met this gorgeous, young girl and asked if she fancied coming home with me and joining in with our fun.
She agreed but when we got back and I introduced her she called me 'sick' and ran a mile.
I probably should have told her my sister has down syndrome.
13 March 2009, 04:09 PM
#36
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Scottish Romance: Lonely Hearts:
Grossly overweight Inverness turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03
Heavy drinker and chain smoker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, ****, Celtic football club and starting fights on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.
Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41
Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few pints, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more Box 84/87
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45
Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b*stard living in a damp cottage in the **** end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big ****. Box 40/27
Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
Grossly overweight Inverness turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03
Heavy drinker and chain smoker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, ****, Celtic football club and starting fights on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.
Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41
Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few pints, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more Box 84/87
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45
Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b*stard living in a damp cottage in the **** end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big ****. Box 40/27
Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
13 March 2009, 04:33 PM
#37
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14 March 2009, 11:49 AM
#41
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" We Would Rather Do Business With 1,000 Al Qaeda Terrorists Than With One Single British Soldier."
This sign was displayed in the window of a business in Campbeltown, Scotland.
Like me, you're probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
However, we're a society which holds freedom of speech as perhaps our greatest liberty, after all it's only a sign.
What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?
Answer:
A funeral Parlour.
This sign was displayed in the window of a business in Campbeltown, Scotland.
Like me, you're probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
However, we're a society which holds freedom of speech as perhaps our greatest liberty, after all it's only a sign.
What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?
Answer:
A funeral Parlour.
15 March 2009, 08:08 PM
#43
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A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway.
About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramps hand.
Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.
Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramps usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, "I quite like the white wine but it doesn't half make my ****ing **** sore".
About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramps hand.
Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.
Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramps usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, "I quite like the white wine but it doesn't half make my ****ing **** sore".
15 March 2009, 08:20 PM
#44
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Two gays, Rupert and Cecil, are lying in bed together when Rupert starts rubbing vaseline on his chest. Cecil Say's "What are you doing?"
Rupert replies, "I read in a gay mag vaseline stimulates hair growth, I want a hairy chest."
Cecil says."Dont be so ****ing stupid, if that was true I'd have a ponytail sticking out of my ****!"
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (read aloud)
That's not right - Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP - Kum Hia
Stupid man - Dum ***
Small horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into the coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's dark in here - Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Our meeting is next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his vehicle - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great - Fa Kin Su Pah
Rupert replies, "I read in a gay mag vaseline stimulates hair growth, I want a hairy chest."
Cecil says."Dont be so ****ing stupid, if that was true I'd have a ponytail sticking out of my ****!"
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (read aloud)
That's not right - Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP - Kum Hia
Stupid man - Dum ***
Small horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into the coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's dark in here - Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Our meeting is next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his vehicle - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great - Fa Kin Su Pah
Last edited by spireite; 15 March 2009 at 08:26 PM.
15 March 2009, 09:35 PM
#45
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"The myth that muslims don't drink is over - one had 6 shots before 9am this morning"!!
16 March 2009, 01:57 PM
#47
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After finishing hunting for the day, a duck hunter walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor who said, 'I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your *****. So I'm going to refer you to my brother.'
'Well, I guess that isn't too bad,' the man replied. 'Is your brother a plastic surgeon?'
'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'He's a flute player in the local symphony. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor who said, 'I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your *****. So I'm going to refer you to my brother.'
'Well, I guess that isn't too bad,' the man replied. 'Is your brother a plastic surgeon?'
'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'He's a flute player in the local symphony. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.
16 March 2009, 02:29 PM
#48
Scooby Regular
A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line'
'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line'
16 March 2009, 02:39 PM
#50
A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line'
'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line'
Not that is funny
16 March 2009, 03:35 PM
#56
Tam nicks a five pound note from one of his kids. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk Tam falls into a drunken stoupor and collapses in a small alleyway.
About ten minutes later a passing homosexual ( one of his friends)happens upon the sprawled body of Tam. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the Tam's hand.
Upon waking up the next day the Tam the Bam discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the Tam lying there. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests his mate of his worn and stained jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.
Upon waking up Tam discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. As well as a scratch card he grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the local weirdo's usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which gayboy Tam responds, "I quite like the white wine but it doesn't half make my ****ing **** sore".
About ten minutes later a passing homosexual ( one of his friends)happens upon the sprawled body of Tam. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the Tam's hand.
Upon waking up the next day the Tam the Bam discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the Tam lying there. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests his mate of his worn and stained jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.
Upon waking up Tam discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. As well as a scratch card he grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the local weirdo's usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which gayboy Tam responds, "I quite like the white wine but it doesn't half make my ****ing **** sore".
16 March 2009, 06:49 PM
#58
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Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this f****** sweater!"
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this f****** sweater!"
16 March 2009, 08:17 PM
#60
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A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway.
About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramps hand.
Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.
Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramps usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, "I quite like the white wine but it doesn't half make my ****ing **** sore".
About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramps hand.
Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.
Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramps usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, "I quite like the white wine but it doesn't half make my ****ing **** sore".
