dpb

How old are you ..

chocolate_o_brian

iTrader: (22)

Unfortunately reading your post reminded me of my abusive upbringing at the hands of a supposed disciplined ex-army step father. Certainly more than a slapping was dished out to me regurlarly, and many a scar remains today mental and physical

Sti - I can't really offer any advice, except that if you look at the long term situation as these kids are going nowhere for 10-15 years

stilover

Bit of an update.

My GF has sat the girls down this afternoon. No more lies, or no presents.

Turns out the dad has twisted thing round a bit. Yes the youngest was playing with her phone, and dad overheard my voice on the phone. Asked her what it was about, and she admitted that she's just been hit "off her mother". When asked if I shout/hit them, they'd said I sometimes shout up and tell them to get to bed. Half right, as sometimes when they're beeing naughty, I play peace maker between them and their mother, by telling them enough is enough now, it's time for bed (obviously when I'm there).

Billy big bollox has taken this as I yell at his kids, and he has brought up the whole `I hit them` bit. Trying to act the big man

GF has been on the phone to him today putting him right about the shouting bit. ie I don't.

TBH, if he makes his gob go again I won't walk away next time.

DARB

the bigger man walks away, dont go to his level




unless he gives you no choice, then its ok

Mark Mac

Stilover,
I've been unsure to post on this, so here's my two penneth....
There has been some solid advice and some absolute bollocks posted about your woes to be honest.
Without going into chapter and verse on on my experience of step kid and a pr*ck of a father. Here goes.
Reading your posts it seems you are willing to put the effort in with your new GF and her kids. But you must realise you are taking on damaged goods, this family will take some time to get into the swing of a normal life. You as I did will have many years of conflict with the ex, and this will only abate when the kids are old enough to stand on the own feet, so to say.
The two girls will be a handful in the early years, ie. trusting another man with their Mum and them. Plus getting interrogated each time they see their natural father and he will try and turn them against you at every opportunity.
You do need to think long and hard about this relationship and ask yourself some serious question. If you stay the distance you will have two girls that you can be proud of, but the sh*t that comes with this can wear you down to the point of saving your own sanity. Then the trauma you will leave behind if you have to leave and you have bonded with the kids will be devastating.
This situation is not about you, your GF or the ex, think about the youngsters and what is best for them.
As for the lying, if you get into the mindset of a troubled young girl, who if she admits to being punished to her Father for swearing, then fearing he will whack her. That could be where the lie has come from.
I think you have made your decision on how to deal with them and the presents already.
As for the ex. Wind and ****, if he was going to fight, the pair of you would of been rolling around on the floor.
Choice is yours, go soon or keep it very casual or stay for the duration....
Good Luck..

Simon K

Wow, amazing thread.

I can understand the for and against slapping children. I have a 10 month old son and I cant imagine ever slapping him, but I wont rule it out either and will see it as a last resort. At the moment, he wont stop grinding his teeth and no matter how many times his mother tries to stop him, he laughs. So, big bad daddy is called and has to sternly tell, serious / angry voice and a pointy finger:-) which works, but seeing him get upset, his lower lip qwiver, and seeing him cry, breaks my heart !!! Im such a poof hahaah

My brother and I were spanked by my father and both of us turned out level headed and respected our parents. I think the word `slapped` needs to be rephrased though. The word `slapped ` suggests a slap across the face or punch, when we are all referring to spanking out children, across the backs of legs or ****, which I dont truely see as wrong doing.

What worries me is today's society see's this as wrong, the same society where the young have no respect, no jobs and no urge to better themselves. In today`s society, we treat the adults like kids, and the kids like adults. Perhaps a slap would of sorted many of the criminals / hoodies / yobs of today ??

On to this guy's issue. I think Turbo / Mark Mac both hit the nail on the head. If your going to stay and be a part of these girls lives, then it will take committment and time from you and your lady. She needs to back you up, and both of you need to be united as a team.

I dont know how old you are, or what you like in a girl ( like previously mentioned gets some pics up of your mrs and that may help us decided what to do :-) ), but I wouldnt waste my time. I know this sounds heartless as the girls and your lady are probably lovely people, but life is too short to take on bagage from previous relationships, arsehole fathers. All it does is slowly build up resentment, cracks in your relationship and ultimately separation probably many years down the road when you're now too old to be a father yourself.

So, for me, mate, `your first loss is your least` i.e. see this as a glimpse of the future, which can only get worse, so pi55 off now. You'll probably be dumped in a year or so for being too nice and hear that your lady has got back with an ex, who is still beating her.

What ever you do mate, what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger :-)

SBK

paulwrxboro

STI you dont seem very commited to the kids to be honest you go round when they are in bed ?
how long have you been with this woman ?
if you think this is a permanent thing you need to commit abit more i think, dont try and buy love get there respect and become a good "dad" and forget about the i hate kids bit, if you hate kids do yourself a favor (and the kids) and find a woman with none

I wish i could say i was the perfect dad but im not, i have hit/slaped my kids in the past and i wish i had got threw life without it, now they are 16 / 17 they have turned out great kids they respect adults/everybody and have a good outlook on life as far as i can see

my childhood was sadley a bit like stickys but without the broken bones and yes it affects you for the rest of your life

superstar1

Ready made families are just hastle that i couldn't live with, plenty of unattached women out there without the baggage.
You should never come between a man and his kids.

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

I was thinking that muself. What a horrible world we live in where this thought even crosses our minds.


chin em..

eggy790

iTrader: (20)

its true though

i remmeber a few years back when i was in college,, you'd get the girls trying to act older etc. and proper flirt and flaunt it, but in reality they still kids that have just joined 6th form and just love the attension, they'll be the first to shout rape!

b road blaster

or another side to it

i took on 2 kids from my wifes previous marrage 1 boy one girl,yes it was bloody hard to start with, her x was a right pain allways causeing probs and looking for a fight but we worked through it now been married 20 yrs and the kids are as my own call me dad ect and could not wish for better behaved and down to earth kids
so its not allways doom and gloom it can work out very well but just takes time and effort

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

20+ year old kids ?

How long did it take for you to feel comfortable acting like their dad?

CrisPDuk

I have a 23 yo stepdaughter and a 21 yo stepson.

I have been married to their mother for 7 years, we had lived together for 3 prior, and 'dated' for a further two. So I've known them right from the point where they could have been little *****.

I'm in a slightly different position from most in that MrsD was a widow, rather than divorced, so I didn't have the natural father (who by all accounts was a decent guy) interfering. Although certain members of his family were less than cordial towards me, and tried to sour things in the beginning

Both I and MrsD have, in the past administered the odd slap to the lad, as we both found that it was the only way to be sure he'd listened

The daughter on the other hand responded best to being sat down and talked to, without the raised voices

My advice to stilover would be; if you're really into the mother, make the effort with the kids, the long term plusses far outweigh all the little traumas along the way
Plus the more effort you put in with the kids, the more likely the natural father (given the type you describe) is to disappear from the scene completely

The upshot of my situation is that now I have great relationships with two kids that I'm immensely proud of (and occasionally infuriated by ), who are to all intents and purposes my own


PS: Trust me on this, with two girls, there are going to be traumas once they hit their teenage years I could quite cheerfully have throttled the stepmonster on many occasions

b road blaster

the boy (jolian) is now 26 and works for rolls royce as a superviser in the wood department and the girl (rebecca) is 22 and married works in a pub,took a couple of yrs to all be comfortable as a family unit,never ever had problems with jo but as becca hit the teenage yrs she did start the "your not my dad" bit and i'm not gonna do as you ask,but with a lot a patence and slaming of doors we worked through it all
they now never see there real dad as they have come to relise that he was/is a **** and want nothing to do with him
when we first met he wanted to see them every week so we let him then it was once a month then it droped to when he could be botherd it dos'nt take kids long to learn that they are not really wanted but just being used to get at there mum,they have not had a xmas or birthday present or even a card off him in the last 14 or so yrs kids soon learn who or what is better for them
we also have one girl (shelley) who is by me and they all get along togeather fine yes when becca was going through the teenage bit that did get trown up as in "well you favor her more than me" but i think that was more to do with the teenage tantrums than anything else
we met then i moved in on the next day and we got married 1 year later so it can work out

Terminator X

iTrader: (7)

Why's it even neccessary though? Even just as an adult (rather than their father) shouldn't you be able to outsmart a child so as to get the better of them without resorting to a whack ...

I don't think that the whole "f*cked society" thing as as bad as the media portray ... they report on a minority of incidents & make out that the whole world is bad when really it's just a small incident. How many U16's are there in the UK vs how many incidents are reported? Most parents bring their kids up OK.

TX.

Lee247

Your G/F did the right thing. Good for her. Am pleased things seem to be sorted.
You would be better off ignoring her ex, makes you the bigger fella. That would bode well with the kids too.
Good luck with it all, it is never easy taking on a ready made family but can be very rewarding as time goes by

97TURBO

As soon as you lift a hand to a child you have lost the battle. It's only for the weak minded, those who have no self discipline, lazy *******s, to use as a way of control. But the irony is, at that point they have lost all control.
The thing is, if these people actually stopped for a minute and thought about what they were doing, they would probably feel very small, that fact they had been over powered by the mind of a child.

But these people in general cant be swayed from their actions and it's like talking to a bloody brick wall

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

I totally disagree with your opinion and am disappointed you would attempt to insult someone because they choose to discipline their child in a way that has proven to work for hundreds of years.

The line is crossed when you go from a smack on the bum, hand, etc to a punch.

I feared getting in trouble when I was young in case I got the slipper from my dad... I don't hate my dad and never have, but I've never been in trouble with the police, have a good job and a family. I treat my elders with respect and think I have my parents to thank for it. I remember being smacked once and my mother used the threat of "she'll tell my dad" which worked perfectly.

A child needs to be taught right and wrong and it involves a mixture of threats and treats.

DARB

well said

bodgeit

Kids learn to lie from ADULTS!

97TURBO

Thats a really poor choice of word
I seem to remember reading a post a while back from you saying it was you're first child, so you probably wont have reached the stage of controlled discipline, it would be interesting to see you're view (and you're child) in 5/6 years.
Oh dear.

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

Thats what it is, threats ..

No presents from Santa if you're bad...

I'll tell your dad you've been naughty...

You wont go to the park...

All threats, what would you call them ?

If you tell your child something bad will happen or something good wont happen if they don't do a certain thing, it is a threat. I'm sorry you don't understand the term.

This must surely be the way you control your child? as unless you have some kind of freaky kid, bargaining with them is useless.

richieh

That was the worst threat of all to me even though as far as I can remember he never so much as smacked me on the ****.
Mind you I'm just over 40 and from a small town where you'd get a b*****king from whoever saw you doing wrong followed by a next nearest neighbour followed by the parents-I swear they must have had jungle drums or summat
cheers richie

97TURBO

Correct if they have been used to the heavy handed approach. Bargaining works fine with my daughter because she has been taught its a two way thing. If she behaves she will be rewarded, if she doesn't she will not receive the reward. She certainly doesn't get threat's from either of us. The terminology is everything to a child.

As i said before, im interested to see you're approach in 5/6 years once you have experienced it in real life.

And remember, its an opinion

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

lol, you gave the insults not me.

Your daughter has the threat of not receiving the reward .. surely by teaching your child to respond to rewards only, you're setting them up for a big fall in life..

If you don't do this you don't get something extra ..

Of course if you beat your kids or threaten to knock their teeth in you're going to inspire violence, but I would assume we're all intelligent enough to know that here.

lordharding

iTrader: (1)

I dont really recommend a long term future with this lady

at 10 -12 wait untill they become the terrible teenagers
the EX will always be in the background you wiull always have to look over your shoulder ,one day he might come after you when your not expecting it

she is damaged goods and will struggle with a decent guy like yourself and will have bed memories of her evil exes

if you ever have arguments the your not the kids 'real ' dad will pop up in the future

if you dont really like kids TBH better with a woman with no kids

at your age? would you not like kids of your own you might someday in the future and she might not want them as she has done it allready? too much age gap? too old?


better off calling it a day and getting a nice single woman with no baggage who prehaps might want kids with you in the future which is fair enough or prehaps and older milf whose kids have allready grown up and left


as mentioned by many others though pictures could help sway the decision ""


stepkids are hard work

many years ago i had to choose with a woman with kids and an evil wife beather ex and a widow with one child aged 11 i took the latter and it worked out for me and 11 years later its just like 2 mates in a pub talking about lap dancers and who has the better car 350Z or of course scooby and i win every time of course ""

tread carefully but remeber that evil ex will always be there and the kids will be awkward in the future

Stealth

iTrader: (4)

It's common place to use your childs likes against them in the battle to get them to do things that they should simply be doing anyway no ?

They do good, they get to go through life with all their toys, they do bad you start taking things away from them, simples!

Kids need to be taught right from wrong, all kids are different and respond in so many different ways, you simply need to find the things that work for your child, i.e my son responds to being given a three second count down after being asked twice..... I will NOT ask him to do something more than twice, there is no need to he should do it, so after the second asking, if the task hasn't begun I will count down from 3 and by the time I get to 1 he is doing as he is told simply because he knows I will pick him up, put him where he needs to be to do what I have asked him and talk to him in a stern voice, which he really doesn't.

I used to **** myself if the words "Right I wil ltell your father when he gets home" were uttered from my mothers mouth!!! Not because my dad beat me, just because he was bigger, strong and scary as hell when he used a loud stern voice (military chap), I had the up most respect for my dad and still do!

If the ex chips up again all high and mighty, simply give him a royal beating, bring the kids out and point at their unconscious blood covered father and tell them that they did this to him with their lies and evil ways....... Their vindictive behaviour has caused someone else to be hurt and it's aLL their fault.............. I'm only joking Obviously!!

belliott69

iTrader: (3)

a smack on the **** never done me any harm, but most of my old mates who were bought up the other way of if your good you'll get treats, have been in lots of trouble with police have no jobs and still expect everything from there parents.

97TURBO

In my case i would have to say the opposite, out of a core group of maybe 8 or 9 of us there were only two that got in bother with the police, were in and out of jobs and still are, tried to solve everything with violence. Funnily enough they were two brothers who's mother was always happy to dish out a slap and ask no questions.

Leslie

If we want to live in a well ordered society, it is necessary that people are prepared to accept that there are rules which need to be respected and also people need to be disciplined and prepared to accept authority.

If a child is not guided while it is growing up, it may well take the wrong path and become uncontrollable and likely to cause all the problems we see nowadays with all the vandalism, violence, and complete lack of thought for other people.

Everyone is different and when growing up, some children are easy to control and naturally well behaved, and some are not. If the child steps out of line and acts in a wilful behaviour, then it needs to be taught what is right and very often the only way is some form of punishment. Bargaining is rarely effective and weakens the strength of the parent to discipline the child. In most cases a sharp slap is very effective and also tends to stick in the memory. Spoiling a child and giving it whatever it wants is a very big mistake and leads to selfish and thoughtless behaviour. It also never makes the child love its parents any more.

Of course excessive violence is wrong and will cause harm to a child's self confidence, as ever it is down to the parents to tread the line with balanced behaviour towards the child.

If you want to have children, its all part of producing individuals to be proud of and no one said it was easy.

Les