I'm bored....... so here's a funny to brighten up peoples day..
23 September 2011, 09:39 PM
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A bloke was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend.
She pipes up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales."
"Why do you think that?" he asked.
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says,
"stit ruoy su wohs."
She pipes up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales."
"Why do you think that?" he asked.
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says,
"stit ruoy su wohs."
23 September 2011, 09:50 PM
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What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off a cliff?
"Look, mother, no Hans!"
"Look, mother, no Hans!"
23 September 2011, 09:52 PM
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How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.
How do you sink another Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch again, he'll open the window and say 'I'm not falling for THAT again!'
Knock on the hatch.
How do you sink another Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch again, he'll open the window and say 'I'm not falling for THAT again!'
24 September 2011, 06:57 AM
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I was at a wedding reception when the DJ yelled "All the married men stand next to the person that made your life worth living". Unfortunately the landlord was crushed to death!!
24 September 2011, 06:58 AM
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My teenage son came home in tears today: "Dad, I just don't know what to do. My first ever girlfriend's just dumped me! Turns out she's been stringing me along all this time. Making me take her to the cinema, treating her to a McDonalds, buying her CDs and DVDs. I thought we had something special together - real love. And I've just found out that although she said she was never ready to make love, she'd been having sex with lots of other boys behind my back," he wailed. "Dad, I just don't know what to do."I thought about it for a moment: "Son - if it's any consolation, I had a go too. And she was ****."
24 September 2011, 07:00 AM
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The Wife & I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible!" she said. Being the nice guy I am, I thought "**** it I'll treat her."
So we walked past it again.
So we walked past it again.
24 September 2011, 09:22 AM
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I think my Mrs may be into some kinky sh#t
Just read one of her cook books and it reads learn some fantastic techniques like 'how to bone a chicken'.
Just read one of her cook books and it reads learn some fantastic techniques like 'how to bone a chicken'.
24 September 2011, 09:23 AM
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All the kids are taking the **** out of my son at his new school, just because he's got braces.
"Just slice them up" I said. "I didn't dress you like Reggie Kray for nothing."
"Just slice them up" I said. "I didn't dress you like Reggie Kray for nothing."
24 September 2011, 09:23 AM
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They say 'A true man opens the car door for his wife'... Maybe i shouldnt have done that while driving at 90 mph
24 September 2011, 12:16 PM
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A little girl goes 2 a pet shop & asks, "Excuthe me, do u have any widdle wabbits ?" The shop keepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, & says, "Do u want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there ?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward & whispers.....
...."I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a **** !"
...."I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a **** !"
24 September 2011, 12:17 PM
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Bloke in bar buys a pint then takes out a photo from his top pocket looks at it then puts it back.He does this every time he has a pint.After the 8th pint the barman asks"why do you do that?"He replys"its a picture of the mrs and when she looks good enough to **** I'll go home!"
25 September 2011, 11:07 PM
#46
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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr *****. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx
25 September 2011, 11:25 PM
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Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "..If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
"Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'".
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth & takes his temperature. Finally with a shake of his head, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It could be my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Phone answering machine message - "..If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
"Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'".
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth & takes his temperature. Finally with a shake of his head, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It could be my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
26 September 2011, 07:54 AM
#48
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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr *****. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx
That`s a cracker so it is.
28 September 2011, 11:06 PM
#49
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Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School as she usually slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Susie, who created the universe?"
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Susie.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Susie....
And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Susie jumped up & shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your a$$!"
The Nun fainted!
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Susie, who created the universe?"
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Susie.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Susie....
And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Susie jumped up & shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your a$$!"
The Nun fainted!
05 October 2011, 09:59 PM
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Jesus was in a foul mood after ******** his new girlfriend for the first time.
She asked: "What's up with you?"
Jesus replied: "Oh, nothing... It's just really annoying to hear a bird scream your dad's name while she's having an orgasm."
She asked: "What's up with you?"
Jesus replied: "Oh, nothing... It's just really annoying to hear a bird scream your dad's name while she's having an orgasm."
05 October 2011, 10:36 PM
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14 October 2011, 11:39 PM
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my wife thinks our sex life has got boring and i'm easily distracted.
oh well, better get back to it i suppose.
i told my gran that i have a new job where i have live sex on stage! she said 'are you having me on?'
i said i will ask the boss but can't promise anything!
oh well, better get back to it i suppose.
i told my gran that i have a new job where i have live sex on stage! she said 'are you having me on?'
i said i will ask the boss but can't promise anything!
15 October 2011, 12:53 PM
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Two old friends are camping in the woods together.
After two days and two nights one suggest at dinner: "You know, we've known each other for sooo long - there's not much to talk about. Why don't we spend the day separate tomorrow and tell each other our excursions over dinner? I go north and you go south - meet you back at camp for dinner?" "You bet!" the other replied.
So the next day they each go their separate ways and once the sun set they each headed back to camp. Upon arrival the first immediately asks: "So, how was your day?"
"I went north as you know and walked for several hours until I got to this beautiful little pond, which was a portion of a larger river. It was clear as anything so took my clothes off and swam for a while. When I got hungry I walked over to the river and fished my lunch, it was so full of fish it barely took a dozen casts. After lunch I relaxed in the sun a little more before I headed back to camp to see you. Quite a remarkable day - beautiful as ever. How about you? What where you up to all day?" he asked.
"I went south and I took no more than a few hours before I ran into railroad tracks and saw this AMAZING looking gal tied to the tracks. I ran over right away and untied her - just to have sex with her for the rest of the day. Man, we did it in every position you can imagine... Pooh I am still exhausted."
"ARE YOU FOR REAL - this really happened to you??? Did she give you a blow job too???"
"Nah - I couldn't find her head"....
After two days and two nights one suggest at dinner: "You know, we've known each other for sooo long - there's not much to talk about. Why don't we spend the day separate tomorrow and tell each other our excursions over dinner? I go north and you go south - meet you back at camp for dinner?" "You bet!" the other replied.
So the next day they each go their separate ways and once the sun set they each headed back to camp. Upon arrival the first immediately asks: "So, how was your day?"
"I went north as you know and walked for several hours until I got to this beautiful little pond, which was a portion of a larger river. It was clear as anything so took my clothes off and swam for a while. When I got hungry I walked over to the river and fished my lunch, it was so full of fish it barely took a dozen casts. After lunch I relaxed in the sun a little more before I headed back to camp to see you. Quite a remarkable day - beautiful as ever. How about you? What where you up to all day?" he asked.
"I went south and I took no more than a few hours before I ran into railroad tracks and saw this AMAZING looking gal tied to the tracks. I ran over right away and untied her - just to have sex with her for the rest of the day. Man, we did it in every position you can imagine... Pooh I am still exhausted."
"ARE YOU FOR REAL - this really happened to you??? Did she give you a blow job too???"
"Nah - I couldn't find her head"....
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