Turbohot

Spot on.




Many self-harm. Some are even totally oblivious of it. There are many ways to self-harm, not just by self-scarring one's body.

There are mental health residentials where self-harmers are encouraged to use clean, sterilized blades to perform self-harm instead of broken glass pieces or craft knives, to avoid bacterial infections. They are not stopped to self-harm, because self-harm is the only way of coping that they know of. Counselling/ psychotherapy can help very well in helping a self-harmer to understand his/her deeper issues, it can help him/her think of other ways of coping.

fast bloke

Alloy - Is there a chance you can get a word with his OH. There is nothing to stop you manning up and talking if he can't. If the wounds are innocent, let he know that he is worried. If she fesses up that she is self harming, offer her your support and suggest that the sharp implement might be better applied to his *********, just before she dumps him.

Hysteria1983

As someone who has always self harmed in the past I can tell you how I felt/feel.

You get to a point where you struggle to manage all the thought and feelings you have then you look for a sort of release.
For me it was as if I needed to balance out the mental pain with the physical, so I used to cut myself.

Things never seemed a problem until I had the children, and then I had to think about them, now I seek 'help' if or when I get to that simmering point where I feel think ate going a bit wobbly.

If the girlfriend has never done this before then it's no likely she has just started, BUT recent events might be what has caused het to start.

All that can be done as a first step is be honest and ask her what the marks are. She may lie, she might not want you to know in which case all that can be done is to keep an eye on her.

Self harm has quite a specific pattern to it. And is easily recognisable by proffesionals.

PM me if you want.

bigsinky

Agree with Edd here. Once does not make her a self harmer per se. It could lead to more incidents though if the source of the stress is not removed. Having lived with and sewn up a self harmer for three years, i came to understand that, like Ellie in the previous post, it is a form of release for them. the girl i lived with had serious mental issues having borderline personality and bi-polar (rapid cycle). she would rather harm herself than take it out on others. the actual slicing and dicing was not actually painful, she described like a pressure release on a pressure cooker. this was only a temporary release as pressure started to build up again either culiminating in another para suicide attempt or a spell in a secure unit.

For me removal of the stressors would go a long way to helping this girl but i understand that "abandonment" issues might actually exaccerbate the problem. A difficult situation for the girl who in the long run is going to have to make a very difficult decision. support groups in the area and healthcare professionals will her to understand the rational behind these important decisions, some of which may seem overwhelming, but ultimately will help her o n her road to recovery.

Leslie

He has found out the hard way that however much you and your other half love each other, when you play away you are risking your relationship. Even if she does love him. she can never feel the same way again and it is not surprising that she is taking that kind of action. The level of disappointment she is feeling must be enormous.

I can't advise on a solution, and I doubt you will find one either. It is completely down to his partner whether she feels she can get over his infidelity and if she feels she can trust him again. I feel very sorry for her.

It is worth remembering the effect it can have on a relationship if you get caught out with a bit on the side, and whether it is really worth it.

Les

Turbohot

So, one should not have bit on the side beacuse if they get caught out, consequences could be dire? Or, should they not do it because they really love their partner, and want to be loyal to them? In prior case, would it be ok if they were more careful, and made sure they wouldn't never caught out? Mind boggles.

LOL Only teasing, Les.

If he didn't get caught out, he still would have continued to d!ck about with other biatches. It still would have been worth it for His Attentionwhoreness, anyway. Just a well he got caught out. He didn't just have a p!ssed-up, out of consciousness one night stand with some random slapper, he actully pre-meditated the tour with his perticular biatch! Effing norbad.


There are many reasons why someone would be unfaithful to their near enough perfect partner. Sometimes it could be as simple as that one can't control one's impulse to respond to open b!tchtastic invitations. For some, it is very hard to keep oneself restricted with the strong sense of loyalty towards their partner. I say near enough perfect, because no one is fully perfect in this whole world. (Binoculars on)The fully perfect ones are already taken.. <This line is to show why some d!ckhead biatches would go for His Scumness, even when they might have known that he is a man with a lady and kids.

However, being cheated on is a big blow to one's self-esteem, which can well lead one to self-harm. People who discover that their loved ones are self-harming also face traumatisation, as it is very traumatic to see blood-stained clothing, dry blood on sharp objects, horrendous scars under hidden under long sleeves etc. etc. They also need help for this vicarious traumatisation.

The "bit of a heart breaker, loves female attention" playaway guy in the context here may be a professional ******* like Tiger Woods. Maybe, It was this very first time when he actually got caught out , b@gger for him! IMO he should also seek a therapy, and try to understand himself. He may be one of them who is very happy to gain emotional security from his missus, but loves physical sex with different people for either bragging or purely his deep seeded "attention needing" reasons. May be, his mama didn't love him enough when he was a little child. It could be many of many things, but what he has done is not acceptable to his missus. Via therapy, If he reaches the conclusion that he simply can't manage sex just with one woman i.e. his good lady for whatever reasons, he may decide to set her free to be with someone loyal and loving. He himself can d!ck around for the rest of his life, like he prefers.

bigsinky

^^^^^^^ ahhhh Swati those rose tinted glasses in an ideal world eh? whether they want to admit it or not, all men would want an 18 year old megan fox look a like to **** her brains out at the drop of a hat. what man doesnt like to have his ego stroked.

Hysteria1983

Not all men.

Just because you, and a certain amount of other men think it, doesn't make it so.

JTaylor

Agreed.

Turbohot

Correct.

Sinks, some men know how to keep it in their trousers, mate.

GlesgaKiss

Deleted as going off topic.

bigsinky

ok i stand corrected. not "all" men but the vast majority i reckon. it's inherent in their nature. why? why is water is wet, why is the sky is blue, why do women have secrets, it just is?

bigsinky

[tongue firmly in cheek] so do I, so do I.

JTaylor

And wrong.

Hysteria1983

Do you have a Mrs at the moment?

GlesgaKiss

Must... resist... biting.

JTaylor

Do you think this gives the impression that you're not, in fact, "wrong" and that you could prove it, save for your choice to "resist"? It was completely on topic, Glesgakiss, and wrong.

Ellie*

Its hard to understand why someone would hurt themselves but when mental pain becomes too much the physical pain is either nothing in comparison, or a welcome relief.

To meet me, you'd (probably) never suspect anything. I hold down a decent job and just bought a house, love going out, had relationships, love my scoob, clothes, festivals, dogs, snowboarding etc etc.

My arm is scarred to hell, my leg is getting there too and at the moment my stomach has about 50cuts across it.
At one point (a few yrs ago) i cut down to the vein and nerve and was trying to sever which ever it was with a pair of nail scissors (id taken diazepam).
I also have an eating disorder which is another coping mechanism and self-punishment.
None of it hurt more than i did/do inside though.

(Ive had depression for 7yrs though and borderline personality disorder, self-harm is the tip of an iceberg but this thread aint about that!)

Hysteria1983

Glad to see someone so open about it.

I don't like to discuss how or even why I have done the things I do or have done. I talk to my df to help me and when I feel I am getting to 'that' point and he helps me to open up and do something to help me get the release I need.

I think it's something that nobody can understand unless they have felt that way, or are close to someone who self harms.

There are 1000's of reasons why people do it, possibly not one seems justifiable to 'joe public' but justification or cause and effect doesn't really come into it.

I feel much safer that I have now got to a point where I can open up to someone about it.
Lord knows I have had a tough time of it lately, and the last few days have been tough.

With regards to the OP, just advise them to talk, BUT I doubt very much that she will feel able to confide in him yet, if not for a long time.

Leslie

Yes ok T Hot

I was talking about the serious effects that behaviour can have on a relationship of course. I did not bother to mention the moral side, if anyone might even consider that any more!

Les

bigsinky

Yes i have a very open and easy relationship. she has her own things, as do i. I see her maybe once a week, we don't live in each others pockets. I am not a misogynist, I am a realist, and to deny never having those thoughts (albeit I would never act on them) is not being true to yourself.

Anyhoo, we are going off topic again. Let's draw a line under it and agree to differ in opinion.

Hysteria1983

Happy to do so

bigsinky

ellie,

this is what i find so infuriating. like yourself, to look at my ex girlfriend, she seemed as normal as a wee normal thing in company. got her make up on, dressed really nice when we where out, well spoken, smart, funny. yet underneath it all she was completely FUBAR'd. she was also let down big style by the health care professionals who were supposed to be supporting her to the extent that she became a pariah both in her family circle and the hospitals and secure units she would end up in eventually. she just wanted help but none seemed to be forthcoming and she had to fight the establishemnt "tooth and nail" to get anywhere. as you can imagine this did nothing to help the situation and in many cases manifested itself in more self harming behaviour.

bigsinky

you always were so understanding, it must be a woman thing

Hysteria1983

That's the problem, there isn't really a procedure in place to help people who suffer with this problem.
I'm not sure why, but something should be done.

Turbohot

Much appreciate this honesty , in all honesty.

A man in general (I don't mean just the ones in SN General, like!) may be a polygamist, but he has one perfect woman in his mind that he is looking for in every woman he gets very close to. A woman may be a monogamist, but she gets very close to many men in her thoughts. That's a bit of psychoanalysis for you, based upon the sayings by the founder of the Analytical Psychology.

Having thoughts is one thing, acting upon them is another. Knowing what one wants in life adds towards one's moral construct. The ones who know that they can't be satisfied just with one woman, and are honest about it, are better people than the ones that pretend to be faithful, but deep down inside, they are dishonest due to their desire to sail in two boats together, even three or four, sometimes!

None of above ^ is off topic. Topic talks about self-harm probably triggered (or re-triggered) by someone being disloyal to someone, causing victim's self-esteem to hit rock-bottom. Well, we are just discussing the agent ingredients related to the activitating event here.

bigsinky

yeah the 18 year old tall leggy swedish nyphomaniac, whose father runs an F1 team and owns a chain of bookies and pubs.

the old saying "a great mother to his children, a great cook in the kitchen and a ***** in the bedroom" wouldn't be too far wrong. (you know i jest here) she wouldn't actually need to be that good a mother

the social butterflies, the serial womanisers, while having a good time are ultimately left feeling empty due to the lack of depth in their character.

Ellie*

Ive wrote and re-write a reply but keep deleting it.

It is a very sad fact that unless you shout the loudest, nobody wants to hear you.
And then you get some people, especially A&E depts that view your behaviour as attention-seeking (especially with BPD). Erm, what do you expect!
Could go on but i wont.


























,,/,.

Pink_Floyd

Mental Health is the pimple on the a**e of the NHS sadly. It is so underfunded it's unreal. A&E does tend to be a nasty place if you end up there through what is deemed as "Attention Seeking" Some nurses and doctors are complete morons, but the odd few are genuinely sympathetic. I've had some horrible acute admissions, but some really positive ones as well. It all depends on where you get admitted (if you're lucky enough to get admitted) and what staff are there.

I try and explain mental health challenges to people in the same way we explain other illnesses. For example people easily accept that a brain injury through trauma can affect someone's memory or sight for example. It's not that much different to depression, bipolar or schizophrenia. There's something possibly wrong in the brain. Granted we are not yet 100% sure what causes these illnesses but the sufferers don't choose to be ill anymore than people choose to get the flu for example.

richiewong

Has she not just got a an itchy rash?