EOEUMC

iTrader: (5)

Sounds like what it needs is that the four children (your wife and her brothers) need to set upon their mum. Explain to them that they can't carry on with it and that the way their dad treats her aswell as the rest of the family is terrible and its pushing the family apart. Maybe that she will loose contact with her family over her husbands attitude towards everyone and evrything.
Maybe the mother-in-law will see a bit of sense, understand what she is being told and do something about it, for fear of being lonley with just old misery guts!

Maybe worth a try

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Yes, will speak to the wife over the weekend, she has been at work (first week) so has not wanted to be bothered, her mum hasnt called to see howshe has got on, either she is really pissed off or is being told not to by him, he is very dictatorial and controlling, she occasionally rebels but runs out of ideas, she doesnt know how to pay bills and do anything like that, we are fairly certain she has never put fuel in her car plus whatever she does she has to live with him and he is apt to go on, and on, and on, all day.

I said last night that I didnt want to be the one to cause a rift, after all it was me that walked out but I think she has had enough, hoesntly we have been for nice meals out that he has paid for and he makes it an ordeal, moaning and making a noise, me there trying to entertain him so he doesnt make a scene.

But, not heard anything, think she needs to speak to her brothers as they are all aware, he needs to understand why I walked out on his tirade, if he wants to keep it going then so be it, whereis the downside for me, not having someone in your life that annoys you and upsets your wife.

EOEUMC

iTrader: (5)

It would sound like a good riddunce scenario, but when it comes to family it can be hard and emotional on some.
Try sort it through the whole family would probably be a good idea and if the mother-in-law is really that crap about lifes nessities (you know what I mean) then maybe the family needs to drum it in to her that they will help her and back her up


Good luck

billythekid

Who suggested you drive a car round the field? You or him?

Also, IME, the mother in law will be more than aware of whats going on - because IME MIL's tend to use FIL's as their outlet and little robot to go and start some s**t.

grovesy

Sounds exactly like my lasses old man. He was really bad for a while and I refused to go round. Turned out he had Cancer, we think he may have been ill for a while and he knew but didn’t go the docs which explained his mood. He’s better now (his mood) but still slips into his old ways sometimes. Like I say him being ill explained it but in my book does not excuse it, He barley spoke to my other half for about 8 month as they fell out mainly due to his stubborn behaviour and attitude. I went round one night on my own and gave him a talking to, it kick started them into speaking and its getting better now six month on. I now just speak to him they way he speaks to me, some good days some bad. He worked all his life now he’s stuck in the house all day with not much to do, I think this has also affected him, gives him plenty time to stew on things.

Haven’t read every comment on here but I would just have it out with him, I started by saying “we need to get this sorted” and just ranted on from there.

Leslie

Whats an IME?

Les

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

No, she is pretty placid usually but spends all her time shouting at, apologising for, Damage limiting, moaning about, waiting after and being verbally abused by him, she is, unless I am very much mistaken not using him as a sock puppet.


The first car we had was a diesel Metro that one of my brother in laws kindly bought off his neighbour as Christmas present for the three boys, it was delivered Christmas day on his trailer, I have a video of them seeing it for the first time, he was aware it was coming and semed happy, we only used it a few times as it had a few starting issues, we did get told about churning the field up but obviously made it so any damage was minimised, as per the video earlier it hadnt caused deep ruts, it just made the surface a bit brown as you would expect.

Didnt use the old one much as it had starting issues so we scrapped it when my grandad gave us his, we have used it perhaps twice and one of my brother in laws has taught his girlfriends daughter how to drive in it (apparenly that wasnt an issue, but then she wasnt into sliding about).

We havent used it much due to me not wanting to go round, the kids being busy and to be honest an hour being bounced around in an old Metro is not my idea of fun on a regular basis.

Its not like he actually goes in the field other than to let the Dog go for a crap, dont think the dog cares, the field cant be seen from the house due to a big hedge and we keep away from the end where they actually go, there is another field that nobody ever goes in and I suggested that, he just shouted no.

oobyJu

iTrader: (2)

sounds just like my late father, always freaking out at the tiniest thing, he drank whisky which didn't help but the main prob was type 2 diabetes which affects many as we age (the whisky and sugar don't help) and can cause very erratic behaviour as the blood sugar goes up and down like a ****** draws and causes dehydration which makes people very quick to anger. problem is in the uk the "normal range" is up to 4 times that of other countries for many disorders so it may go un-diagnosed, worth checking out though as life with him was a nightmare and i nearly lamped him on many occasions so you have my admiration in lasting so long and deepest sympathies.

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Well, went round, said my piece, he was not happy but I was polite and not aggressive, he couldn't see a problem but was giving me daggers, looked really pissed off, she makes excuses for him "Its his age" and "we have to make allowances", I told her to ring my wife which she did but things are far from smoothed over, he said he will think about what i had said but I could tell he was really taken aback, angry and not happy, but, sod him, I had to get it off my chest and make an effort and it took some effort and bottle on my part.

I doubt he will speak to me again, as he has a bad combination of craving respect but not doing anything to deserve it, too much pride and pomposity, doesn't ever think he is wrong. The mother in law mentioned "Chemical imbalances", I had mentioned that I thought it may be illness, so maybe an opportunity but its now down to their kids, I had done my bit/damage and only time will tell if its helped or made things worse.

Cheers for all the input !

tony de wonderful

He sounds like a black hole J4cko. These people are toxic and I don't see why you have seemed intent on winning his love and approval.

I can empathise though. My Dad can be like this but is more mercurial, sometimes dead nice, other times rancid and has no boundaries, utterly destructive almost sadistic. It's hard to tell a Parent you detest them and don't want them in your life emotionally, so we end up two faced tw@ts who muddle along.

Bubba po

It'll be piles. Definitely.

astraboy

From these statements:
1/Something is definitely up.
2/She knows it.
3/It's probably drink related.
Astraboy.

EOEUMC

iTrader: (5)

Well done for biting the bullet and being the better man
May be he's realising what hes like and how annoying he is. What's your better half thinking though? She's not sideing with her family, hopefully

As they say, the ball is in their court and wait to see what come back you get and if the brother-in-laws contact you.

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Tony, not on any massive quest for his love and approval by any stretch, just dont like to see what its doing to the rest of the family, he is indeed "Toxic", a great word to describe him at the moment, he has always been somewhat overbearing, prickly and unpredictable but he was a good laugh at one point, now its like that part of him has died, occasionally you see a brief glimmer but its like a mirage. At the moment I couldnt care if I see him again but realistically I will and I am making an effort, cant just write someone off like that who may actually be ill.

Wife isn't siding with her family she isnt daft and see it for what it is, either a spectacularly obnoxious old man and her mum that wont accept that he is in the wrong or is possibly ill, Ostrich syndrome at its best.

I had to go to the doctors this morning to ask him to take a look at the lump I have developed on my shoulder (apparently its fine, just turning into a warty old f*cker ) and I asked the Doc about the Father In Law and he gave me plenty of time to expalin and was brilliant, he says they see the pattern all the time and he defintely sounds like he has either Depression or Dementia of some kind, I explained that he wont go to the doctors at the best of times but he said the approach to take is to go directly to his GP and explain the situation and they will either call him in or do a home visit, now its not for me to go meddling as it isnt my dad, I have done my bit so its down to his kids to discuss it and decide ont he approach, my wife and her youngest brother are of the same mind, anothter one tries to keep away but was of that mind years ago nd its why he keeps away, the oldest one lives there and sees it daily (he does more stomping out that me) but he is a bit of a mini-me of his father and was a bit smug and non commital when he spoke to my wife about the recent situation, he has his own mini situation in that he has only worked for 1 year out of the last 15 plus years and binned it the minute there was a small issue.

So, I will mention it to the wife and insists she contacts the other three and they need to all agree thatit is the best approach, there is a certain amount of buck passing going on but I will offer my opinion and leave them to it, in the meantime, unless something is done I wont be going round, doubt I/We are welcome (I especially).

Will keep you posted, its been really useful having someone to discuss it with, they would go mental if they knew but I need a sounding board to know I am progressing it the right way.

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Well, my wife went for a walk with her mum and the dogs after work today and basically it was just an opportunity to bitch at her, I seem to have gone from not being an issue to public enemy number one in one go. I am kind of washing my hands of it now, suspect they have had two weeks of brooding on it and a week since I went round, basically saying i was wrong and extremely pompous and arrogant, maybe i was but I tried to put my point across without sounding like that but sometimes if someone doesn't want to hear something there is not good way of saying it.

I suspect they have slagged me to high heaven, don't care, I needed to say what I said, we put up with a lot of dreadful behaviour, so now the mother in law is sniping on tiny things, part of the reason I didn't like going round as it always did leave me open to some kind of whinge about some minor infraction of their code of behaviour, things like putting a can on the dinner table, dropping an H whilst on the phone or yawning.

So, if anything, its got worse but strangely er dad seems to be more amenable than her mum apparently and seems to have actually taken something of what I said on board.

Not sure what to think at the moment, I offered to go and do a cod apology to try and smooth it over for my wife's sake but she said absolutely not, I feel bad that its caused this rift with her parents but its been a long time coming I think.

EOEUMC

iTrader: (5)

Keep the wifey happy, if she says no then do as your told lol
Try not to dwell on it and I know its hard but you need to try, or your family will suffer with your mood swings
chin up and play it by ear. As long as the better half knows your there to help and to talk to etc, she will be thankful for that alone

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Just thought I would resurrect this, I managed to patch things over but it isn't right, we went round for a meal on the Sunday when the Jubilee was on, my brother in laws three young girls were staying, he stomped off at one point when the kids were playing a game of Bingo, moaned when they wanted to do anything like it was a huge problem that affected him despite him having nothing to do with them, when he did he just shouted at them or told my mother in law to "get that bloody child out of here" (In front of said child), he cant abide Camilla Parker Bowles, but when asked why, shouting "Because she is a ****" at the top of your voice when there are six year old kids in the room isn't good.

He seemed to be improving, even managed some short conversations but seems to be losing it or at least reverting.

Not sure what to do other than to keep away.

zippy!

iTrader: (1)

in that case tell him to **** off and that he,s an ****

GlesgaKiss

This guy sounds an awful lot like my dad. I feel for you! It's not easy.

At the end of the day, in your situation I would be inclined to stand up to him and just have no relationship - after all, it's only your other half's dad. But then I don't know your situation and how that would affect your relationship with your other half and her mother etc.

It is almost comical at times how these people act. They need to have everything on their terms, which are rarely, if ever, fair. There will be massive double standards going on everywhere.

At the end of the day, this person wants to control you. They will probably never change, and any attempts to get them to change will result in you being controlled and meeting their 'terms'.

It's a lose/lose situation. Like I say, I feel for you, because I think I know exactly what you're experiencing and have extensive (!) experience myself.

Turbohot

I shouldn’t laugh, but………..

I know someone like your F.I.L. in his mid-30s, not even an old folkie. He has this “I can’t handle sod all” depressive-aggressive disorder. In last 15 years, his irrational behaviours, intolerance and anger have gone bad to worse. He has pushed away many of his relatives and well-wishers due to his inconsistency, lack of stability, lies, deceit, compulsive sinister acts, and abuse he gives to others, but he still doesn’t learn. His way of dealing with everything is getting p!ssed off his pee every night. Whether it is to do with his birth trauma (if there was any due to C section), childhood and parental issues, genetic disposition, his naturally faulty brain hardwiring, or any other reason; no one knows. He certainly cannot see any problem with his behaviour, but is pretty good at making fun of others for their shortcomings and misfortunes. He just has one answer to avoid facing up to his evil self- “I don’t give A ****, and I do what I ******* like!” . In conjunction, he is emotionally so warped that he cries buckets of tears over all sorts and spilt milk. But he doesn’t recognise any of his wrongdoings. That’s also his victims’ fault, because they existed; or someone else’s, who he randomly decides to nominate as his punchbag for all the blames. There’s no hope for the cases like that. Surprisingly, he has been excellent with his employment all the way through his lifelong ‘illness’. A terribly dysfunctional and irrational being in all other aspects of his life.

Good job you spotted that something isn’t right with your wife's father. Has he seen his GP about his deteriorating behaviours? I suggest he pays his doc a visit. Dementia patients should be understood and supported by the loved ones and medical carers, but in order to recognise the onset of that or else, he needs to be assessed. I’d tell your M.I.L. to take him down to his GP, if I were you. Let’s see what happens, then.

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

I think Alcohol is key, he does like a drink and the person you mention sounds like he has alcohol issues, I think alcohol is wonderful but in moderation, it is magical stuff but the magic goes the more you drink to be replaced by feeling crap which in turn makes you grumpy, it alters your brain chemistry in large amounts.

He has even admitted he thinks he is losing it but sometimes it seems to be attention seeking, the focus isn't on him as he has the grandkids there so like a big kid he may be playing a trump card to get some attention back.

Thought he had improved but sadly not.

tony de wonderful

Some people are just toxic like that for unknown reasons. You just have to stay away or you get contaminated. If you think he has a medical disorder then you can be compassionate but that doesn't mean being a masochist. You can't change this person and get him to approve of you, don't try.

Boro

iTrader: (1)

+1

My money would be on something like this. Being in pain can make you VERY short tempered. Maybe he's on medication that is affecting his moods.

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Think you are right Tony, I am not public enemy no 1 at the moment, they seem to have got over my "speaking out of turn", not going to bother again, caused to much stress at home, luckily the wife saw it as it was and hasn't sided against me, she is fully aware of the situation. He has always been a bit toxic but I think it is half because they live out int he sticks, its like the League of Gentlemen sometimes, they think they are still in control and that their way is the best, sorry but the world has moved on, it isn't the fifties any more.

I will just play along, help them out if asked but otherwise just keep out of the way, don't have the time to spend with people I want to spend time with, never mind those that **** me off.

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Dont think so, would have to have been in pain and on meds for a long time, just a spoilt old man who gets his own way too much and spits his dummy out when he doesnt.

yabbadoo4

iTrader: (8)

as said before sounds like hes had a lifetime of people pandering to him especially if he had a business and is used to staff doing what he asks, my ex partners mother was a nasty piece of work who inherited the business after her father died and she took control of the family business and made her life hell (and still does according to reports) she would come home in floods of tears and it would cause major aggro in our house.she came to a new yr party we had and caused merry hell and offended pretty much everyone who was there including all her own family. some people are just like that and maybe you just have to accept that hes a rotten old c**t and be done with it! personally like others have said im looking forward to being an old perv (im already pretty good at that lol) and annoying people by pretending that im deaf.

Turbohot

Jacko, you are right. that is why I don’t label alcohol itself as a problem. The ones that abuse alcohol are the problem. This intolerant personality type often shows high dependency on alcohol or other addictive activities, and they are usually a social hazard, although not entirely a social recluse. Some of them can be very good in hiding behind their persona, often hypnotic and charming in social circles. But deep down inside they bear tremendous jealousy, grudges and hatred for others. They medicate themselves with alcohol to deny their feeling of inadequacy, but it instead unmasks their real self. In sober states too, they are deluded with the feeling of grandeur about themselves and poor image of others (straight forward projection), hence the angry outbursts and personal insults to others. Alcohol certainly worsens it but it’s actually the person’s doing who wants to submerge his/her inadequacies into it. Don't get me wrong, such people can also hold some sober compassion for others, but that works on a selective basis and is not experienced as genuine. Their one-dimensional, egocentric attitude is responsible for their remarkable achievements in a single specific aspect of their life e.g. employment- one thing that some of them choose not to abuse. Their mouths are their biggest enemies, activated by their abnormal thought processes. As I say, their view of reality is distorted; even without alcohol. They often cry for help, as they also realise that they are getting bad to worse. When someone tries to help them or reason with them, he/she automatically becomes their enemy. They reject the idea of any sort of medical and/or psychological treatment for their issues. When they do go running to the doctors because their metaphoric punchbags have run away from them, even the best doctors can't do more than getting shut of them by prescribing some regular SSRIs to them. It gets more torturous when this type of headcases threaten others with suicide at the loss of their controlled objects. I feel sorry for their close ones.

Your wife's father may be regressing in his old age, Jacko. If not any illness, this increased attention seeking and verbal abuse to others etc. certainly indicate that he is abnormal. He may simply be turning more and more impatient, not a patient at all. If he is just a control freak, he must learn to keep himself under control, or he will end up driving his loved ones away. Perhaps that’s what he wants anyway, so people should let him get on with it. Everyone will gain the peace of mind this way. This includes him, too.

...........or get your soul repeatedly wounded. You are right there. Staying away is the best way from such impossible cases.

tony de wonderful

Denying that employment 'success' is nothing but a result of virtue will get you lynched by the middle class aspirational brigade of SN.

Actually I know some great people who do well at work but equally some of the biggest 'high achievers' are driven by their vices and what they lack. I suppose the only reasonable thing to do is to side with a healthy mediocrity?

tony de wonderful

Yeah it corrupts people and can happen quickly. Some people cannot separate themselves from their role.

Turbohot

I haven't commented on the 'high acheivers' here, as I don't know them that well to judge them; to be fair.

^ Bang on.

Well, exceptions can be found, but they are very rare. IMO healthy mediocrity is better than the unhealthy psychopathological superiority.