The_Lizard

LANGLEY, VA-In an alarming report released Monday by the Central Intelligence Agency, Syria may be harboring upwards of 15 million known Arabs within its borders.

"Reliable intelligence collected by our agency indicates that Syria has conspired to lend physical and economic support to a massive number of people belonging to this group," CIA director George J. Tenet said. "The shocking truth is, there are nearly as many Arabs in Syria as there are people in New York and Los Angeles combined. In fact, Syrians openly refer to their nation as the Syrian Arab Republic, despite knowing full well America's opinion on these matters."

Explaining the CIA's methods of gathering data on the rogue ethnicity's presence in Syria, Tenet said it relied on a combination of satellite imagery, computer-system infiltration, reports from Syrian covert operatives, intercepted radio and television transmissions, and The World Almanac And Book Of Facts 2003.

"It's practically an open secret these days," Tenet said. "Syrian television brazenly shows Arabs in military uniforms carrying guns, or delivering political speeches to other members of the group. Walk into any house of worship in the country, and you'll see people reading the Koran and bowing their heads in prayer toward Mecca. It's almost like they're daring the United States to get involved."

"Disturbingly, more than 90 percent of these Arabs have been linked to the practice of 'Islam'-a defiantly non-Western system of faith whose core principles are embraced by none other than Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein," Tenet added. "If this is true, and we do consider this information to be correct in all particulars, then this is troubling at best."

President Bush, Tenet said, has been aware of Syria's ties to known Arab political and religious figures since the earliest planning stages of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Tenet assured reporters that all possible diplomatic avenues of resolving the situation were being aggressively pursued.
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"We have informed [Syrian President] Bashar al-Assad of the presence of Arabs in his country and have offered any aid necessary to bring this situation under control," Tenet said. "I am confident that a resolution to this crisis can be achieved without resorting to military action."

This is not the first time Syria has been linked to Arabs. Israel found the Golan Heights heavily populated by Arabs when it annexed the region from Syria during 1967's Arab-Israeli War. Arabs have historically held many influential posts in the Syrian government, and the CIA claims to have data indicating that wealthy Arab businessmen control the greater part of Syria's economy.

The CIA report prompted concern from many Americans.

"I'm not surprised," said Wayne Early, an Atlanta-area mortgage broker. "I suspect they're all over that part of the world. First, the government linked them to Sept. 11, then Afghanistan, and then Iraq. It makes you wonder who's next."

"The more I learn about Arabs, the less I like them," said Carol Schecter of Norfolk, VA. "Beirut, Teheran, Baghdad... everyplace there's trouble, they're there, and now we've found them in Syria. I just hope they don't hurt the regular Syrians."

Tenet assured citizens that he is committed to resolving the crisis.

"We don't want to cause any undue panic, but now that the Arabs are there, we're going to have to deal with them," Tenet said. "Unfortunately, they're not just going to go away by themselves."

www.theonion.com

Billbill

Is that the question?
"Will Syria be next?"

The_Lizard

Well, I would love to hear what was related in the "frank" discussion when Powell was over there...

Puff The Magic Wagon!

iTrader: (2)

Err WTF are you guys on about? The whole of the middle-east is made up of Arab States & infact they are the indigenous population for the majority of the area

Like, I suppose Saudi Arabia is after Syria then, seeing as how they have lots of Arab princes etc

Love the geography they teach over there!

rockinRu

Puff...what they are f***ing talking about is the EASE of this war...Saddam sent one of his sons to "rob a bank" of about 1 billion dollars hours before we got there to bomb...3 trailer trucks full of cash...GONE.Just like most of his army...GONE.And like his documented stock pile of WMD...GONE.

Maybe the term "Arab" is wrong...but I think they are all alive and well in "fellow Arab countries"...

So what are his options for escape?Syria?Iran?Turkey?He sure as hell didn't fly anywhere...south is out...SOMBODY let him in...

Luke

Turkey..........Rockin,You been smokin grass???

andrewdelvard

Words fail me.....

THIS IS A SATIRICAL PIECE OF WRITING. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

It's a joke fellas, a bit of fun....

jasey

Yep - it's supposed to be a joke - unfotunately 99% of the American public will believe it












































































(and that's a joke too - )

fast bloke

Puff - you having a bad day?

Puff The Magic Wagon!

iTrader: (2)

Read it too quick I think

It did cross my mind as Irony but I'm never sure with the good ol' US of A...

The_Lizard

The online satirical newspaper called The Onion is well known for its humor. Worth a laugh to check out sometimes at theonion.com

hotsam

The "historic" newspapers are the best..

Billbill

Hehehe!

johnfelstead

cant believe anyone even remotely saw that as real.

PMSL especially at Puff.

Davestamf

Lizard

Please let me apologise for the dim-witted nature of the replies from my fellow countrymen on this topic. Admittedly, most of them have not been burdened with too much education, but their failure to grasp such obvious tongue in cheek is extremely depressing.

daiscooby

Don't tell me someone thought this was a real article?.

Has the nation that spawned Monty Python, Not the Nine O Clock News and Spitting Image really lost it's sense of irony?.

Its a feckin joke morons !!

[Edited by daiscooby - 5/7/2003 9:39:52 AM]