2012 Olympics
17 January 2008, 01:01 PM
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2012 Olympics
As you may know, East London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.
What you may not know, is that many aspects of the games have been especially
altered to embrace the culture of the area.
A copy of these changes has been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city.
The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games East London 's competitors have not been particularly successful.
In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly
to the advantage of local athletes.
100 Metres Sprint -
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on
the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 Metres hurdles -
As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).
Hammer -
Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc).
The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
Fencing -
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
Shooting -
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event.
The first target will be a moving police van.
In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller,
or Securicor style wages delivery man.
The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic pistol,
or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.
Endurance
This will take place at 10.00am on Sunday. Competitors will be asked to catch a central line train to Hainault. The medallists will be the last three standing and the ceremony is scheduled to take place three days after the start.
Boxing -
Entry to the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night.
The husband will be given 15 pints of lager,
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time Trials -
Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy,
on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.
Cycling pursuit -
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji rugby sevens team,
who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon -
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
Swimming Events -
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels.
Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised.
Please note that the synchronised swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid
and watching all the funky ripples on the pool.
The specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".
The Marathon -
A safe route has yet to be decided.
Men's 50km Walk -
Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled
as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Stratford ,
especially anyone that appears to be mincing.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community,
anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by The Walthamstow Community Choir.
The flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion
by confused West Ham supporters.
The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break in
and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
LATE NEWS
Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above,
but with the Pentathlon modified to include killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body,
laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down' contest.
To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all,
drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games.
17 January 2008, 04:39 PM
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OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
Is this because the local plod want their doughnuts toasted????
The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
Is this because the local plod want their doughnuts toasted????
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