THE DIARY OF MARKO AN ENGLISH MAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS
"OUR FIRST WINTER”

DEC 20TH
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years the wife and I took out our hot cups of coffee and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came long and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-grey.

JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars, even AWD is not enough now. Fell on my **** in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a JCB to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the wall. Had another 8 inches of white ****e last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush that ******* snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel

JAN 9th
More f*****g snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f******g deer on the way to casualty and now has antlers stuck in the intercooler.

JAN 13th
F****** b******d white ****e just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c***s next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little ****** **** it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b******d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Richard "f*****g" Burns and buries the f******g driveway again.

JAN 17th
16 more sodding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and f*****g sleet and god knows what other white ****e fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can' t move my f*****g toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f*****g snow forecast.

F**K THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO MAIDSTONE


JGM

 

<splat>

rotflmfao

 

Och, Aye, the noo.

 

JGM

 

Hoots mon!

 

 

Actually, I'm looking forward to the snow arriving. Since I won't have a job, I won't be losing precious invoicable hours, and my christmas present this year is going to be one of these

 

lol how far into the out back are you

Si

 

A baby sledge? Is there something you haven't told us?

 

Comedy genius. I thought about mentioning that it wasn't the baby one, but the one above, but in the end decided that only a cretin would fail to understand which one I was referring to. Looks like I was right.

 

Surely if you won't have job you'll be losing lots of invoicable hours!!!

Only kidding.. enjoy it you luck get..

Would be nice to have some time off

JGM

 

Good point. Well made.
Aye, but it would be nice to have the choice.

 

Too Funny! Having a crap day so that really cheered me up. Thanks.

 

JGM you have way too much time on your hands

 

I wish I did have too mcuh time on my hands..

Glad it cheered you up..

JGM