A transcript of the new answering service installed at the mental health
institute

"Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so
that we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother
ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which
number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one
will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name address and phone number, date
of birth, social security number and your mother maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000
If you have a bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, before
the beep or after the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory, loss presses 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have a low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to
talk to you.

 

Danny,

Stick to the day job of selling s/h SS Downpipes .