Prof: Welcome once again to History Today. I'm afraid that tonight the axe is hanging over our programme; we have been warned that unless we properly explore tonight's topic of discussion, the Industrial Revolution, my and Professor FJ Lewis's tenure on the television will be terminated forthwith, so, Professor Lewis, what do you feel were the primary problems faced by urban society during the period 1702-56?

Lewis: Well, the Industrial Revolution caused a shift to urban connubation by what had been largely agrarian populations and communities, and so forth. This led to very poor living conditions, and in his journal Samuel Pepys gives a particularly harrowing account of one man whom he describes thus: [opens a book] He had scurvy, and rickets, and was covered from head to foot in festering sores. All in all he was quite the most ghastly apparation of a man I had ever seen.

Prof: I see. And who exactly was this poor unfortunate?

Lewis: [turns a page in book] That's you, that is. That's the nicest thing he could find to say about you.

Prof: I see. See that M. Khan?

Lewis: I have certainly heard of the fellow.

Prof: He's your best mate, he is. He's like your special friend. You are him. Professor FJM Khan is bent.

Lewis: Oh, [sarcastic laughter]. See a piece of old crust with like blue mould all over it?

Prof: That's got a bit wet in the corner?

Lewis: Yes, yes, that's right. And very stale and hard.

Prof: Has it been on the floor?

Lewis: Yes, it has been on the floor, and it smells very bad because it's off.

Prof: Yes.

Lewis: That's your dinner, that is. That's what you have at Christmas. That's your special birthday meal.

Prof: See this? [makes pose] That's you, that is.

Lewis: Sorry, I didn't see you do anything then. What you did was this.. See this [sits still], that's you that is. Oh, are you pulling a funny face *now*? Oh, that's horrible, urgh, stop it now!

Prof: You know that song, "dur, dur-dur, dur-dur-dur, dur-dur-dur-dur"..that's your favourite, that is. That's your favourite no 1 song of all time. Oh, you've had a haircut. HAIRCUT! HAIRCUT!

Lewis: See that Theo Kojak? That's you, that is.

Prof: [pointing] See that bit of Flob?

Lewis: Yes.

Prof: That's you, that is.

Lewis: No, that's your swimming pool, in your garden - oh look, there's your mum! [mimes swimming]

Prof: Well, I think no-one can be in any doubt that we have had tonight a most rich and enlightening debate. Professor Lewis, thank you very much.

Lewis: Thank you.

 

Ahh....Newman & Baddiel.

Bring back the Mary Whitehouse Experience!

 

I wonder how many people don't know the **** this is?

You see an old roller skate that's been left in the rain and is covered in rust, and has got some dog plop on it?

That's your car that is. That's your car on a Saturday afternoon, after you've spent the whole day polishing it up


You see a shrivelled mushroom, a small shrivelled mushroom, such as you might find in the back of the fridge

That's your ***** that is. That's your big stiffy. Come on girls, get your laughing gear round this. That's what you say


See that John Inman?

You've lost a fight to him. He beats you up every day. But if we could return to the topic in hand of German Domestic Policies, Professor F J Lewis...

 

I seen your mum yesterday.

My Mother?

Yes, coming out of the VeeeeDeeee Clinic




Got the video, class