SiPie

Apologies if this is a scoob in a lake but sure seems spot on to me


> > Thought this might be useful...
> >
> > Haynes Manual Explained...
> > (You know, the book that tells you how to fix your car)
> > _______________________________
> >
> > Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
> > Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
> > anticlockwise.
> >
> > Haynes: This is a snug fit.
> > Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
> >
> > Haynes: This is a tight fit.
> > Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a
> > hammer.
> >
> > Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
> > Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start.
> > Now
> >
> > you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
> >
> > Haynes: Pry...
> > Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
> >
> > Haynes: Undo...
> > Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
> >
> > Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
> > Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"
> >
> > Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
> > Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good
> > pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
> >
> > Haynes: Lightly...
> > Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
> > forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat
> > repeatedly with hammer.
> >
> > Haynes: Weekly checks...
> > Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
> >
> > Haynes: Routine maintenance...
> > Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.
> >
> > Haynes: One spanner rating.
> > Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to
> > **** it up?
> >
> > Haynes: Two spanner rating.
> > Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
> > low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
> > was
> >
> > a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more
> > use to you).
> >
> > Haynes: Three spanner rating.
> > Translation: Make sure you won't need your motor bike for a couple
> > of days.
> >
> > Haynes: Four spanner rating.
> > Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
> >
> > Haynes: Five spanner rating.
> > Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.
> >
> > Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
> > Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
> >
> > Haynes: Compress...
> > Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it,
> > throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a
> > hammer...
> >
> > Haynes: Inspect...
> > Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
> > looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep,
> > as I thought, it's going to need a new one"
> >
> > Haynes: Carefully...
> > Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.
> >
> > Haynes: Retaining nut...
> > Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
> >
> > Haynes: Get an assistant...
> > Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
> > know.
> >
> > Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs
> > removed.
> > Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
> > harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you
> > can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
> >
> > Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
> > Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.
> >
> > Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
> > Translation: Snap off...
> >
> > Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
> > Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
> >
> > Haynes: Everyday toolkit
> > Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone
> >
> > Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
> > Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
> > Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with
> > hammer.
> >
> > Haynes: Index
> > Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need
> > to do.

Mr.Cookie

I though

meant take to the garage

Si
Ps do you post on overclockers

Blackscooby

It may have Scooby in the lake syndrome.... but after attempting to replace the rear pads on my Suzuki some of it is very apt.

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

Translation was perfect !

Dizzy

ok I think I've stopped laughing now and wiped the tears from my eyes

Diablo

Class

SiPie

Mr Cookie

Not guilty mate

Mr.Cookie

you have an imposter then or maybe your impersonating him

Si

SiPie

Nope... he must be an imposter [img]images/smilies/mad.gif[/img]

SiPie
(The original and best )

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Superb,I have owned at least ten different Haynes manuals and its spot on !

Bottomfeeder

Great, just spat coffee all over my monitor...PMSL

alcazar

iTrader: (2)

Excellent. Been using Haynes for years, now I can finally do things using them:
Alcazar