Badger Stuffer

Today the Dayton Daily News published the winning entries in the Erma
Bombeck Writing Competition. 1st place in Humor category by Leigh Anne
Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon


"The First Time's Always the Worst"

The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches
on fire.

That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me
exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister -
right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as
far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she
clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned
inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for
that.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right
breast to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a
pancake and still attached to my body.

"Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps, the words you least want
to hear from any health professional. Suddenly, she came flying past
me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She
yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"

OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can
hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and
semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE
MACHINE in question.

I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini
couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top
of my lung (the one that was still working).

I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic
proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the
partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this.
What would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?

I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An
imaginary fireman rushed in with a fire hose and a hatchet. "Howdy,
ma'am," he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.

"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary
fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"


In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the
fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine.
"Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take
a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"

I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in
my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years,
I figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.