If it's SIAL you can


The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her
house,
where
they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00
p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
outside
and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary
and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
wake
up
until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******!
You've
been
playing golf!".

The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage
daughters.
The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough,
delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he
had ever
seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the
father

of
that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a
stern
look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent
off to
be
buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated,
he
made an amazing discovery.
Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send
you off

to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It
has to
be
saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's
scaling.
He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and
opened
up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the
front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed
baby
oil
all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to
sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an
idiot at
the
Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."

The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar
and asks
for
a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 pence."
"One pence?", exclaimed the man.
The bartender replied, "Yes."
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy
T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"Four pence," the bartender replied.
"Four pence?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The bartender replies "He's upstairs with my wife!"
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by
his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to
move
slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
something
that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,
"everything's
all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your sister,
your
best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."