Burt

A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale hit Liverpool in the early hours of this morning. The epicentre was Kirkby, but the area affected by the tremor includes Stockbridge Village, Croxteth and parts of Huyton also.Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying "bang out of order","mental" and "that did my head in". The earthquake decimated the area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond repair. Three preserved areas of historic burned out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken even before their Giros had arrived.

The local 'Echo' newspaper reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered. They are still trying to come to terms the
fact that the damage was caused by something other than themselves.

One local resident, Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four, said: "It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Leigh came running through the door into my bedroom crying. My hands were shaking so much that I could hardly skin up when I was watching Trisha the next morning!". Another local resident known only as 'Macca' said the earthquake would not stop him going to work, after all, the Burglaries and Graffiti would not do themselves.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers were still searching through rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings which include benefit books, Elizabeth Dukes jewellery, bone china from poundstretcher and a number of Argos catalogues. However, they were unable to save any furniture from Crazy George's.

How can you help?

This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Most needed are Kappa or other tracksuits (his and hers),white socks to tuck the tracksuit bottoms into, Burberry caps and handbags, woolly Benny hats and Puma trainers. Primark clothing is most welcome. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCains Micro-Chips, Monster Munch, Nutella chocolate spread and Iceland pizzas. Alcohol is also in short supply, mainly Lambrini, White Lightning cider and Carlsberg Special Brew. There is also especially high demand for replacements for cars damaged in the tremor. Electric blue Peugeot 206's (for girls) and modified Black Renault Clios with full body kit (for boys) are desperately needed. Citroen Saxos and Vauxhall Corsas are also welcome. Residents inform us that log books, insurance certificates and valid road tax is of no concern.Cash donations are also needed, 22p buys a Bic Biro for signing on purposes, £1.50 buys cheese & chips and £26 buys 200 Regal from Tommo who has just got back from Kavos.


The British Red Cross Appeals Team.