Luminous

iTrader: (3)

I am hoping for some advice from people here, as I am starting to get very annoyed with my "pet".

Each and every meal time, the evil little critter (formally known as my "pet"), sneaks up on me. Leaps onto the table, lands in my food, and nabs the best bits.

Then it streaks off into the distance with said food firmly grasped in its mouth leaving a whole collage of footprints along my floor!!!!!

This thing really has to learn that there are consequences for messing with my food. Why cannot it just learn and accept that I AM the boss, and the sole reason for its miserable existence was that it was meant to PLEASE me!!!

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

Its an open plan flat

At the moment we keep "playing" games. I try to locate the cat while cooking and prepping the food. Then I serve up, again trying to keep a close eye out. Then its time to eat.

Normally before I finish the damn thing strikes.

I could throw the cat out of the flat at a meal time. Problem is that it KNOWS it is my meal time. Then damn thing just runs all over the flat, cannot catch it to chuck it out.

Shark Man

Grab cat, open window throw cat out of window*, shut window, lock cat flap

Cat is now free to defecate on your neighbours garden - Job done

*assuming ground floor flat

jameswrx

iTrader: (4)

Feed it?

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

Love it, it is not a ground floor flat, but I still love it. I cannot do too much harm to it can I from that height ??

Catching it is an issue. I've got a fish pond net that I've tried to use in the past, but it always sees me coming. It really is an intelligent little beast, always seems to be one step ahead of me.

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

I feed it loads of nice stuff. In fact, the problems only started once I was nice and treated it to some "real" food. It has suddenly decided to elevate itself from the animal kingdom into the human domain. I think it is suffering from an over inflated ego and delusions of grandure.

Can a cat have an ego??

It is not as if it even eats wha it nicks. It just sinks its teeth into every piece of meat I try to consume It then decides if it likes it, and will then leave me any scraps. Even a steak is not safe.......unless it is a really big one....and then it is soo damn heavy that my "poor little kitty" becomes overloaded and cannot move fast enough....*whap*, steak recovered

chaos.

When my cat was alive it used to bring whole chickens back to the house, **** knows where it got them from

used to bring more back when the neighbours had bbqs

Abdabz

Kitykat laced with warfarin and glass

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

LMAO. If ONLY my cat could have met yours. That way we would both be happy. It would get all that it wanted to eat, and I would have my tea undisturbed.

It is as if it decides what I am ALLOWED to eat. Comes over at breakfast to find me eating porridge, turns up its nose, and saunters off.

Different story if its normal cereal, it wants a lick (me thinks its the milk that it is after).

Going to have to come up with a plan of action.....watch this space.......

Crispy Autumn

Get a water spray gun, eat one handed and other hand on the trigger

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

*goes into evil mode*

Muhahahahahha, I like it. Watch it squirm, that will teach it

*reality check*
Don't want to kill it, just want it to realise that there are limits on what it is allowed to do in MY flat.

After all, I still want to have a pet at the end of this........I think.....well maybe

bonkers

Well there's the start of your problems right there. Did you feed it straight off your plate by any chance?


Cats can have quite the personality, yes.


Okay, first thing - no more (deliberate) people food treats for a while. When you have things under control, you can give it occasional treats again but never from your plate and never while you're eating.

Squirt bottles are good.

My cat really hates me getting in her face, so if she's done something wrong (which aint often) I will pick her up, get right in her face and scowl at her. She knows she's in trouble.

If nothing else works, make a point of catching kitty before you start cooking and lock him in his pet carrier for the duration. After a week or so, you can try leaving him out again but the first sign of misbehaviour and he's back in.

Basically, you have to form a strong association in his fuzzy little mind between the behaviour you don't like and something that he doesn't like. If you can make a clear distinction between in-trouble and play, so much the better.

Good luck!

hedgehog

Cats are not people are are merely an instinctive machine. They are designed to hunt their food.

I would suspect that by trying to make it difficult for the animal to get at your dinner you are adding a challenge to its hunting reflexes and are reinforcing the behaviour you are seeing. Any animal would expect to have to sneak up on its food and, perhaps, to have to make an escape after the capture. This is what its instincts tell it is normal.

So, it may be worth considering it as a merely instinct driven object, which is what it is, and considering how you are reinforcing its expectations when it comes to hunting for food. You may also wish to consider a way of breaking that reinforcement cycle and you should ensure that in no case does it get a reward. The old blasting it with a shotgun trick often works well but your circumstances seem not to lend themselves to that tactic and so you may have to go for a more subtle blend of psychology and hitting it with something heavy.

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

very I'm getting so annoyed with this creature the shotgun idea seems to be gaining in appeal. Although, I do not necessarily want to clean up the mess afterwards........ I could take it outside and shoot it.....no, no, cannot do that....the neighbours would call the police

Hmmmm, subtle psychological approach.....mmmmmmm.

Ok, you need to know something about me here. I want you to develop a highly detailed mental picutre of Homer Simpson (apart from the overweight bit ). Now think very clearly about that cavity for which he houses his excuse for a brain.

Thats me....all of me........

Subtle I am not

Why is it every other member on this forum manages to solve their problems with Optimax. Surely it should be that simple for me too?

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

I'm starting to get ideas about my cat from this thread......

http://bbs.scoobynet.co.uk/showthread.php?t=420207

hedgehog

Optimax!! Why didn't I think of that? This is a problem that CAN be solved with Optimax.

Ok, do this, pour Optimax over the cat and then send it the following email:

Dear Cat,

It may have come to your attention that, recently, I poured a hydrocarbon rich liquid over you. This liquid is known as Optimax and your becoming soaked in it was not an accident. Next time you are watching those American police movies you so enjoy on the TV and you see a car burst into flames consider that this was the result of the ignition of an inferior hydrocarbon product. Optimax burns much, much better than that.

Now, to the small matter of my dinner. I am becoming increasingly irritated that you have taken it upon yourself to steal, for that is the only word suitable for your actions, my dinner of an evening. I would ask, therefore, that you stop this anti-social behaviour forthwith. In future I will be lighting a candle before taking dinner, you will notice it sitting beside me on the table, and I wish to point out that the purpose of this candle is not to bring a little romance into our lives. The sole purpose of the candle is to effectively ignite Optimax.

I hope you take the hint.

Your loving owner.

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

Right!! It is 30 mins to tea time, so it is time to come up with:

THE PLAN

It has been suggested that cats do not like water sprays. Small issue here as I do not have on to hand. Given that tea is imminent, I will not have time to get one. So that is that idea snuffed. Mmm, plan is not doing too well at this stage.

Aha, there is the previously suggested locate cat and place inside pet carrier idea. I'm going to modify that to take into account of my fiesty feline. The container shall be either the pet carrier/washing basket/oven (whichever is the closest).

The things I will need:
At least 30 mins to catch the little bugger (mmmm, this is cutting things tight)
My trusty pond net
Removal of all delicate objects from the upcoming battle ground.
Pet carrier in the living area
Washing basket empty in bedroom just in case the battle expands this far
Empty oven

OK, there is nothing left to do. I'm going in..........

bonkers

Good luck man!

hedgehog

Don't go alone, I'm coming with you.

Oh, have you got your parachute just in case?

Errr, and have you done a risk assessment form? You can't go in without a risk assessment.

bonkers

<fires up the Mission Impossible theme music...>

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

In my last post I had rather arrogantly said "There is nothing left to do, I'm going in". Oh, how wrong was I.

If ONLY I had read the above reply before I dived in. A risk assessment. How naive was I??

Well you are about to find out.......

The Battle:

Ok, my plan was lodged firmly in my mind. All I had to do was catch the cat, place it in a suitable holder, and then eat my dinner in front of it. The plan seemed simple, and I accepted that I may need to repeat the process until my little moggie had relented from attacking my dinner.

As with all military planning, surprise is the best method of attack. I decided that I would follow this tried and tested method, and then realised that as I had not taken a shower, there was no possibility of this working!!

My ELC (evil little critter, formerly known as my "pet"), had locked onto me from the very conception of this plan. It was fully aware that dinner was on the stove, and had every intention that it was going to be in its tummy shortly. My ELC was well ahead of the game It may look small, but that skull of its houses the brains from Einstein.

Everywhere I went, every item of furniture that I hid behind, it knew where I was. Each time I peeked around the corner it was practically laughing at my farcical attempts of concealment.

There was nothing else for it, it was just going to have to be a direct frontal assault. I knew this, and so did the cat. I grabbed my pond net firmly in my right hand, then realised that it would be much more sensible to grasp it firmly with both for the forthcoming battle.

As soon as I looked up to acquire my target, its eyes were firmly on mine. It visually tensed up ready to bolt. Great L. We both knew what was going to happen, but driven by the desire to have a whole meal in my belly I decided to launch myself at my foe. Swinging the net wildly towards my ELC the thing deftly avoided my first attempt. It then shot off under the sofa, leaving me to disarm myself so that I could move the sofa…..did I tell you this thing was smart?

Sofa moved, it dashed under my chair. Chair moved, it dashed under my sofa. *sigh*

I could see how this was going to go. Sofa, and chairs were then stacked on top of one another. Two can play at being smart Now there is only the one thing that it can hide under

Off it shoots to the other end of the flat, and back again, and then round and round some more. No need for a gym membership in this household. God knows what my neighbours think I’m up to. All this crashing a banging around from one end of my flat to the other, an earthquake would be more subtle.

I’ve had enough, the ELC had had enough, so with one final attempt I swing the net over it!! This time I have it!!! There is no escape, with each millisecond I can see the net moving in on the target. Then, the ELC deploys its secret little weapons….CLAWS…..it promptly shreds my pond net.

**** Round 1 to the kitty then.

Oh, and dinner time was predictable. It waited till I was vulnerable and struck home, again

Lum

Aww come on, the solution is simple.

Once it hides under the chair, just gaffer tape around the chair so it can't get out.

A simpler solution would be to have Beef Madras every night for two weeks, your cat probably wont like that and even if it does, you can punish it by farting on it.

bonkers

No more advice from me I'm afraid... reading this stuff is just too damn funny!

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Praise be, a good natured cat thread on Scoobynet, wonders will never cease !

bonkers

Oh what the heck, I'm just too damn nice...



Confine said kleptomaniac kitty before there is any hint of dinner preparation.

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

*grits teeth and pretends to smile*

Glad you are finding this entertaining

I'm currently in the process of returning my flat to its original state while hatching my new plan. I can see the ELC out of the corner of my eye, its laughing at me....I just know it. But it won't be doing that forever.

Beed Madras for two weeks, every night, you would be able to smell me a mile off. That will be no help when it comes to farting on my cat. I would never dare try that. You did not see what that damn thing did to my pond net. I have tears coming to my eyes now when I think about what it would do to my ****..........!!!

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

Confine, confine, did you just say CONFINE!!!!!!

I am in perfect control of my flat. I can confine my kitty whenever it wants

What was it that you missed about the last post!!! Just what was it that I have been trying to do for the last got knows how long......

That ELC of mine does NOT co-operate, before, during or after a meal. The only place food is safe is inside its transport cage. Its the only place that it will not go to get at it.

And no, I do not feel like eating my dinner from inside its cage....OK ???

Neverguess

How about cooking for two?? You can discuss the weather and the days events over a nice candle lit supper

Lee247

This will work, guaranteed, I'd prefer it if it didn't work. Sorry, but this is the best laugh I've had in ages