Worlds worst timed guff
21 September 2005, 12:15 PM
#1
Worlds worst timed guff
Oh dear, just got back from my in laws house, we went to clear up after my mother in laws sixtieth birthday party, big do, lots of posh freinds and relatives, a lot stayed so were still there chatting, I am helping move a sofa back when a little strain related **** gas seeps out, no sound and only a little gas, I think I have got away with it having clenched and was planning on taking my leave to go to a secluded place for a controlled explosion when about ten people all simoultaneously get hit by the worlds smelliest and most concentrated fart, littlerally volume wise it cannot have been more than a couple of cubic centimetres
Cue lots of exagerated arm waving, gagging and swift exit (for most) whilst I look for a dog to blame, the dogs were over the other side of the room looking at me (obviously impressed) but definitely to0 far away to blame. As it went on it got stronger, billowing clouds of beefy badness.
Only one person stayed in the room, the man on the other end of the sofa as he was trapped in the corner, my wife's gentle, mild mannered uncle was stood there with nowhere to go, his last words were, well actually he did survive but I have never seen a 70 year old man vault a sofa like that before.
My mother in law comes back in the room carrying a lit scented candle whilst holding her nose.
I dont think I got away with that one......
Cue lots of exagerated arm waving, gagging and swift exit (for most) whilst I look for a dog to blame, the dogs were over the other side of the room looking at me (obviously impressed) but definitely to0 far away to blame. As it went on it got stronger, billowing clouds of beefy badness.
Only one person stayed in the room, the man on the other end of the sofa as he was trapped in the corner, my wife's gentle, mild mannered uncle was stood there with nowhere to go, his last words were, well actually he did survive but I have never seen a 70 year old man vault a sofa like that before.
My mother in law comes back in the room carrying a lit scented candle whilst holding her nose.
I dont think I got away with that one......
21 September 2005, 12:32 PM
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lol.. very good, if its silent I pretend to be the first to smell it and quickly start pointing the finger at others, usually covers you well enough as I dont get blamed for the silent ones because Im proud of my loud uns 
21 September 2005, 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by davegtt
lol.. very good, if its silent I pretend to be the first to smell it and quickly start pointing the finger at others, usually covers you well enough as I dont get blamed for the silent ones because Im proud of my loud uns
Bad idea to point it out first - I always aim for second or third, so it looks like the epicentre was on the opposite side of the first claimant
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21 September 2005, 12:49 PM
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True story and yes it was a freind and not me, i would happily lay claim to this one.
At a conference mate has just had a booozy dinner and got hammered in the bar, retires to his room around 02:00hrs.
Starts undressing and farting loudly + singing and guffing and congratulating himself on his chuffs to punctuate the song in a way you only can when you are very, very pi$$ed!
After a few minutes of this the bedside phone rings
"It is reception here, your in-room baby monitor is on, are you alright sir?!?"
Mate
"Er, yes thanks"
Reception
"Ok sir if you are sure you do not need anything?"
Mate
"no thanks"
Puts phone down.
He got a lot of stares from the staff and pointing at him in a 'thats him!' sort of way from the reception area when he checked out.
At a conference mate has just had a booozy dinner and got hammered in the bar, retires to his room around 02:00hrs.
Starts undressing and farting loudly + singing and guffing and congratulating himself on his chuffs to punctuate the song in a way you only can when you are very, very pi$$ed!
After a few minutes of this the bedside phone rings
"It is reception here, your in-room baby monitor is on, are you alright sir?!?"
Mate
"Er, yes thanks"
Reception
"Ok sir if you are sure you do not need anything?"
Mate
"no thanks"
Puts phone down.
He got a lot of stares from the staff and pointing at him in a 'thats him!' sort of way from the reception area when he checked out.
Last edited by The Zohan; 21 September 2005 at 12:56 PM.
21 September 2005, 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by STi wanna Subaru
Great story!
Surely the world worst timed has to be know as 'the devils breath!'
lets just say 69
Surely the world worst timed has to be know as 'the devils breath!'
lets just say 69
Thats disgusting
I admit if it was me, if in bed & g/f is there then i try to force her head under the covers
Always works if i want her to be in a bad mood with me so i can **** off with the lads
21 September 2005, 01:21 PM
#12
I once let off a really tiny one on the wine and beer aisle in a French supermarket, and it literally cleared the aisle.
I've never seen so many people waving their arms about and holding their noses and making retching noises.
My kids were well impressed
Alcazar
I've never seen so many people waving their arms about and holding their noses and making retching noises.
My kids were well impressed
Alcazar
21 September 2005, 01:49 PM
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excellent. theres a couple of my mates whos farts are utterly incomprehensibly disgusting and foul. I cant believe some people can produce such putrid gag-inducing smells compared to the 'average fart'
21 September 2005, 02:07 PM
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Oh dear, just got back from my in laws house, we went to clear up after my mother in laws sixtieth birthday party, big do, lots of posh freinds and relatives, a lot stayed so were still there chatting, I am helping move a sofa back when a little strain related **** gas seeps out, no sound and only a little gas, I think I have got away with it having clenched and was planning on taking my leave to go to a secluded place for a controlled explosion when about ten people all simoultaneously get hit by the worlds smelliest and most concentrated fart, littlerally volume wise it cannot have been more than a couple of cubic centimetres
Cue lots of exagerated arm waving, gagging and swift exit (for most) whilst I look for a dog to blame, the dogs were over the other side of the room looking at me (obviously impressed) but definitely to0 far away to blame. As it went on it got stronger, billowing clouds of beefy badness.
Only one person stayed in the room, the man on the other end of the sofa as he was trapped in the corner, my wife's gentle, mild mannered uncle was stood there with nowhere to go, his last words were, well actually he did survive but I have never seen a 70 year old man vault a sofa like that before.
My mother in law comes back in the room carrying a lit scented candle whilst holding her nose.
I dont think I got away with that one......
Cue lots of exagerated arm waving, gagging and swift exit (for most) whilst I look for a dog to blame, the dogs were over the other side of the room looking at me (obviously impressed) but definitely to0 far away to blame. As it went on it got stronger, billowing clouds of beefy badness.
Only one person stayed in the room, the man on the other end of the sofa as he was trapped in the corner, my wife's gentle, mild mannered uncle was stood there with nowhere to go, his last words were, well actually he did survive but I have never seen a 70 year old man vault a sofa like that before.
My mother in law comes back in the room carrying a lit scented candle whilst holding her nose.
I dont think I got away with that one......
21 September 2005, 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by fast bloke
Bad idea to point it out first - I always aim for second or third, so it looks like the epicentre was on the opposite side of the first claimant
1st person is always involved somehow
weather they actually did it, or gently prodded sum body enough to pop one out
21 September 2005, 03:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Robbie T
How very dare you, i couldn't believe it. It stank of spunk!!
who has been firing slices of cake up your hooter
21 September 2005, 03:22 PM
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omg.. i've only just stopped laughing...
what in hell had you been eating??!!
what in hell had you been eating??!!
21 September 2005, 03:32 PM
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I was on a bus the other day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, I couldn't control himself and let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, I tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"
The lady looked at me in disgust and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."
Chip
Embarrassed, I tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"
The lady looked at me in disgust and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."
Chip
21 September 2005, 04:15 PM
#24
This is all true, I mean what did they expect, they fill me full of Thai food (superb Thai buffet), wine and beer then get me exerting myself whilst needing a poo, I was having contractions and was almost fully dilated, the head was engaged (and so was the loo) .
Anyway, the food was amazing, the starter was Chicken Satay with a cucumber and chilli sauce (plus the peanut type stuff), I was wolfing down all the raw red Chilli from the bowl (might explain the Sarin/Oven cleaner type effect exhibited this morning) and my wifes 65 year old quite posh aunt told me not to bogart (not her exact words) all the red bits, I thought that it was strange for her to want raw, extremely hot chilli considering she thinks salt and vinegar on chips as being a bit challenging spice wise. I pass her the bowl, she scoops up some sauce with a good ammount of cucumber and a largish pecee of chilli, I keep an eye on her, secretly quite impressed that she was prepared to match me chilli for chilli, felt a bit put out that an aunt was down with the hot **** though.
Anyway, she skewers the chilli and pops it in, chews it and carries on talking, then it hits her, she turned puce and started making exorcist type noises, she swigged a full glass of fizzy water, bad move as the chilli hiccups kicked in as well as the gas effects of downing a full glass of mineral water from a freshly opened bottle, she was heaving by this point, alternating with fiery little burps (still trying to retain her dignity) , she was sweating and her glasses steamed up, my mother in law (her sister) charged over thinking she was having a turn, trying to ask her what was wrong but no words came, just a dry rattling rasp.
I exaplained that she had just eaten a chilli, and my mother in law looked releived, my aunt however did not, I have never heard her swear but what came out of her mouth last night if I heard it right would make Chubby Brown blush.
It took a full twenty minutes for her to compose herself, she kept asking when the burning sensation would subside, I said it would soon ease but that she would crave more. Apparently it was my fault due to the fact I had been troffing Chilli's with impunity and no ill effects, she had assumed them to be safe.
I havent laughed as much since the dog rooted out half a chicken vindaloo from the bin, I got through half of it before admitting defeat, normally it wouldnt languish in the fridge but though I fancied my poor old ring was in tatters from the first half, it went beyond when I would consider it safe so it went in the bin, the bag got removed from the bin and put with the others, our aged blind stinking dustbin raiding Spaniel got left to her own devices in the garden for an hour or two, so she did her best to strewn refuse all over the place, on her mooch through the bins (or the buffet as she knows it) she discovered a silver tin foil container with meaty lumps in and wolfed the f*ckin lot.
Dogs dont taste stuff, they just swallow it whole and then deal with it afterwards which is why vets are so busy, anyway I hear some yelping and the dog was lying down pawing at her snout, I see the container and put two and two together and p1ss myself. The dog went through 2 bowls of water that afternoon, my wife did not share my amusement, especially when I offered the dog a hot flannel and a mint imperial.
However, as always it has the last laugh, yep in the morning I came down to a bit of canine carnage, it was a toss up between cleaning it up and just burning the house down.
Anyway, the food was amazing, the starter was Chicken Satay with a cucumber and chilli sauce (plus the peanut type stuff), I was wolfing down all the raw red Chilli from the bowl (might explain the Sarin/Oven cleaner type effect exhibited this morning) and my wifes 65 year old quite posh aunt told me not to bogart (not her exact words) all the red bits, I thought that it was strange for her to want raw, extremely hot chilli considering she thinks salt and vinegar on chips as being a bit challenging spice wise. I pass her the bowl, she scoops up some sauce with a good ammount of cucumber and a largish pecee of chilli, I keep an eye on her, secretly quite impressed that she was prepared to match me chilli for chilli, felt a bit put out that an aunt was down with the hot **** though.
Anyway, she skewers the chilli and pops it in, chews it and carries on talking, then it hits her, she turned puce and started making exorcist type noises, she swigged a full glass of fizzy water, bad move as the chilli hiccups kicked in as well as the gas effects of downing a full glass of mineral water from a freshly opened bottle, she was heaving by this point, alternating with fiery little burps (still trying to retain her dignity) , she was sweating and her glasses steamed up, my mother in law (her sister) charged over thinking she was having a turn, trying to ask her what was wrong but no words came, just a dry rattling rasp.
I exaplained that she had just eaten a chilli, and my mother in law looked releived, my aunt however did not, I have never heard her swear but what came out of her mouth last night if I heard it right would make Chubby Brown blush.
It took a full twenty minutes for her to compose herself, she kept asking when the burning sensation would subside, I said it would soon ease but that she would crave more. Apparently it was my fault due to the fact I had been troffing Chilli's with impunity and no ill effects, she had assumed them to be safe.
I havent laughed as much since the dog rooted out half a chicken vindaloo from the bin, I got through half of it before admitting defeat, normally it wouldnt languish in the fridge but though I fancied my poor old ring was in tatters from the first half, it went beyond when I would consider it safe so it went in the bin, the bag got removed from the bin and put with the others, our aged blind stinking dustbin raiding Spaniel got left to her own devices in the garden for an hour or two, so she did her best to strewn refuse all over the place, on her mooch through the bins (or the buffet as she knows it) she discovered a silver tin foil container with meaty lumps in and wolfed the f*ckin lot.
Dogs dont taste stuff, they just swallow it whole and then deal with it afterwards which is why vets are so busy, anyway I hear some yelping and the dog was lying down pawing at her snout, I see the container and put two and two together and p1ss myself. The dog went through 2 bowls of water that afternoon, my wife did not share my amusement, especially when I offered the dog a hot flannel and a mint imperial.
However, as always it has the last laugh, yep in the morning I came down to a bit of canine carnage, it was a toss up between cleaning it up and just burning the house down.
21 September 2005, 04:58 PM
#28
However, as always it has the last laugh, yep in the morning I came down to a bit of canine carnage, it was a toss up between cleaning it up and just burning the house down.
Brings to mind when our Alsation had a tummy upset one night, and couldn't wake me to get outside, as wife was away, and I'd had half a bottle of Scotch
The poor sod was trapped in our hall.Heard the postie knocking the next morning, looked out of the bedroom window, shouted "wait a sec" to him, and threw on my dressing gown.
Ran down the stairs, jumped off the third bottom step................and landed up to my foot tops in a HUGE pool of dog diarroeha
Splat! All up my legs, up the walls, between my toes etc etc.
I opened the door, and postie just starts saying "thanks for coming down, I've got a par...................aaaaargh" as the smell hit him.
He backed off very quick and I still thought he was gonna gip!
Took me almost an hour to sluice the hall carpet out with the garden hose.
Alcazar
