salsa-king

I heard something today that I couldn't answer and have no idea how you'd deal with it. Its not ME!!! but god only knows what I/you would do...

I put this to you.. and how would you react.. deal with it.


you find out from one of your two children, that they allege one of your parents has asked them to touch them inappropriately.. and this has been going on for sometime

The question is.... WHAT DO YOU DO?? you are very close to your parents




Phil

StickyMicky

god knows

but if one of your parents was like that, would they have not done the same to you use as a child??
or have they suddenly decided to be a peado?

kid could be lying

Apparition

Bring the subject into conversation in a very casual way. watch body language and reactions.
Kids do not lie about this sort of thing.
Very tricky situation.
Yve

StickyMicky

kids dont lie about this stuff??

kids lie about everything!!!

salsa-king

your touching on more new ground now.. this was brought up!!and its got someone/them thinking to when they were a child"!!

so this could be true!!

Clarebabes

Kids don't lie about abuse. I know that my daughter wouldn't even know what it is at her age, so how could she make a story up?

I've been on child protection training and the trainer said that it's very unlikely that a kid lies.

Smiler

Your Child has told you something.

Act on it

Bram

Could not agree more, further investigation by appropriate authorities will confirm or deny. The most important part is the victim for now.

AudiLover

How old are the kids.

Id knock him out. Its definetly the dad and girls dont make these things up unless theyre gothic 15yr olds or older.

It would be very hard to prove especially if its not the boy. Id contact the appropriate people and even if the outcome is unsure Id never let my children have contact with the grand parents again.

Confront the other grand parent about what your child has said also.

2000TLondon

Absolutely! Christ, what is there to think about?

It's a horrible reflection on society that these situations arise, and a horrible situation for everyone no matter what the outcome.

But I'd advise whoever told you this story to act on it immediately.

KiwiGTI

Contact appropriate authorities that have trained specialists who will be able to tell pretty quickly what is going on.

PG

It's uncle Garry and uncle Michael I'd be more concerned about

pslewis

Kids do sometimes lie about this sort of thing .... in my voluntary work I have had to deal with accusations like this.

What one hears the others generally talk about, they also want to see what happens if they say something like this - remember that kids can be very vindictive.

However, the matter cannot rest as it could be true and therefore very serious ... I would remove the child from contact and talk to a trained counsellor ... I would not mention anything to the accused party at this stage.

It's always a tricky area and each case is different - but when you have been involved in a few cases you realise that it is rarely as straightforward as you might think.

Pete

Apparition

Is anything in this life straightforward Pete ?
Nice to see a sensible post from you at long last BTW.
Yve

ALi-B

iTrader: (1)

Sorry, but the brush is far to wide to brandish on all kiddies. They can lie as easily than they can tell the truth. NO sitution like this is black or white. And any trainer should KNOW that this certainly can be the case. Especially when the age of the child hasn't even been considered on this thread

A good parent should be able to know their child enouigh to tell the difference, however an outsider "observer" would quite easily believe otherwise.

I'm not going into this any further or greater detail, but a lying child has caused our family much grief and dispair. Social services however, cannot see past the halo on the child's head. Ok they have to give benefit of the doubt, but their "guilty, until proven innocent" tactics do nothing but ruin people's family (even pressure involved families to divorce), ruin their livelihoods and public reputation (not just gossip - vigilantism). And when actually found inncocent, they still won't back down. And even if they did. The irrepairable damage is already done.

All through the lies of a child who didn't know better clouding the judgment of the "experts".

Sorry for the waffle. But that point is a sore subject and for sakes of damage it potentially do, I cannot allow a broad non-specific one line statments to be taken too literally.

Ultimately, tread very carefully, as once the wheels are set in motion in a case of abuse, it is very difficult to stop if it has been found to be unsubstantiated. Be careful whos advice you take, and certainly do not act on any advice that is typed on a forum such as this.

MikeCardiff

iTrader: (2)

My wife is a teacher and kids from the age of 5 or 6 now lie about, and have knowledge of, lots of stuff you wouldnt expect them to.

One Year 1 boy went to one of the teachers and told them that another boy in his class had 'made him suck his *****' in the playground - it turned out to be complete BS, but the school had to inform both lots of parents and the Police. This boy who made the claim new exactly what he was saying, and was doing it to get the other boy into trouble because he didnt like him.

Slightly older kids ( as young as 7 ) use 'peedo' as an insult towards adults ( e.g. 'your dads a peedo' when arguing ) and know exactly what it means - and some of them know that they can get back at teachers by saying they have touched them etc...

A lot of young kids are not as innocent as a lot of parents would like to believe.

Kids will also repeat things told to them by friends, often without fully understanding what they are saying and what the implications are.

I would be EXTREMELY careful - could be true, in which case its very serious, or could just be something one of your kids friends has told them to say to get back at Grandad for not giving them sweets or something. But imagine how you would feel if someone said the same about you and it was completely untrue.

David Lock

Sorry to hear this. We need to read between the lines a bit on your original post. I read it as grandpa asking girl to touch him, presumably to feel his ***** or something??

I tend to side with ALi-B and be cautious about asking the "experts" to charge in with all social guns blazing.

Is it feasible to to keep the girl and grandpa in a situation where they are never alone together? Is mum close enough to the girl to have a girly chat and ask about grandpa?

Put it into perspective a bit. Yes it must be pretty disturbing but this is not mass rape or buggery in a kids home but a family matter that's got well out of hand. Just tread carefully. If it is untrue and you take grandpa to task then you (your friends) will just about ruin his life.

And agree with Mike above who posted just before I hit the post button.

Bram

Thats the rub is it not, in the past the child was not believed and the harm was done. To heal the trauma the child must be supported quickly.

Child victims are more than likely to be family or friend, the attacker is more than likely to be male, though rare female attacks do occur though aiding and abetting the attack is sometimes found.

Sex offenders are very manipulative, plausible and show great patience in their quest. I can realate a case where the perp waited 11 years prior to commiting the offence on two sisters, he carreid out baby sitting after befriending the couple but waited till they reached 11 as he preferred them that age.

They see it as acceptable course of action and to refuse to accept they are doing anything wrong, some see as a right as they are the parent or of that blood and the child is for their use and it is a form of love. Some state when caught they were abused and thought it was normal behaviour.

They seek silence through threats and intimidation of the victim, the disbelief or denial of the one person the child wishes to confide is painfully the norm for watever reason the adult does not want believe such a painful truth. The offender knows this and his strong denial of events can be really hard to disbelieve, some of best actors I ever met were sex offenders.

The best way to deal with such issues is to get them out in the open and dont let children lifes be shattered totally the healing starts when the child seeks support when it confides in you for good or bad. The truth will out in the end. I would rather have some turmoil than miss one child who is in such a situation.

It is been too long dealt in silence or a family secret, the damage is done and a young life will never be the same but it can be healed.

salsa-king

this has made interesting reading.

But its very hard for us to say what to do, unless your in that situation.
and as said above... your daughter tells you.. its one of YOUR parents!!
then this makes you think back to when you were a child!!!!!!!!!!!

fast bloke

Shoot them all and spend the inheritance on a bigger boat for you and the wife..... hang on - did you not shoot her and all?

GC8

Your loyalty lies with your children; not your parents, not matter how close you are to them. To a parent I think that its a far more simple question than it appears to someone who doesnt have children.


Simon

ScoobywagonGl

Well said mate

fast bloke

GC8 - nah - I have never known my parents to tell a lie or keep a secret in 35 years. I know my kids would tell a story to sink the Titanic for a 10p mix..... wonder who fecked who up

salsa-king

for a 10p mix!! lol

Lucifer

What does it matter if you're close to your parents or not?
The allegation is very serious and needs investigating at once.
If it turns out something untoward has happened it doesn't matter how close the relationship was, it'll be in tatters.

Brit_in_Japan

As Bram wrote, the likelyhood of an abuser being someone known to the child is far higher than the threat from some random stranger.

But children do sometimes tell tales so care would have to be taken. I know friends of mine where the little girl said her father had hit her. It was a total lie, made up to get back at him because he didn't let her have her own way about something or other. She was only about 6 at the time and I thought she was the sweetest, butter-wouldn't-melt little girl who would never tell a lie, but I was there when she said it. Luckily her mother was a nursery school teacher and knew how to handle it and the girl confessed to making it all up.

It's important it isn't brushed under the carpet. Either it's the truth and something must be done, or it's a lie and the child must understand the very serious consequences of telling lies so they don't do it again.

jasey

Another chat with the child, explain that the grandparent will be taken away forever when it's been proved to be true and see if the child sticks to their guns.

If they do - Police

If they don't - smack the little tw@t's **** !

The Zohan

Lets not **** about here this is too serious'er matter for speculation or theories!

Yes or the kid could be the right sex to trigger the adults urges which Salsa is not if you see what i mean. He or she into girls not boys or whatever.

In general Kids do not tend to lie, there are always exceptions.

This is a serious subject and perhaps you need to talk to a professional rather than SN'ers, even though a lot are well meaning.

I would call the Police or your doctor (annonymously if you need to) and ask for whom to talk to about this.

This is a tough situation and i do not envy you in any way but as i am sure you already know the kids safety must be first and foremost.

Good luck

Paul

StickyMicky

maybe YOUR kid

there are millions of others not like YOURS

i know of kids/have seen them with my own eyes that jump up and down on the roofs of peoples cars, so that must mean that yours does as there all the same?

lozgti

Yep.

What happened to the innocence of kids and why is it only in the last few years there has been a huge upsurge in paedophiles/alleged paedophiles?

Surely we are not turning into a nation of perverts?Something odd going on.

I would tell the parent outright