scoobyvirgin

What does a granny and a pork pie have in common?













You have to break the crust and lick off all the jelly to get to the meat

scoobyvirgin

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around
the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the
window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to
the bar. 'Get the f*cking manager of this pig**** middle class
w*nkhole please... you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The
barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you
sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert
in the c*ntting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.' The manager
is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for
a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune
he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet
utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful,
wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me prime
minister but I just ****ted your daughter, and now the bitch is
blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively". 'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a
powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his salty teardrops asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****
you get sh*t on your bell-end.' I see' says the manager, 'Have you got
any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do
you want me to split your ringhole", or there's the epic "I don't care
if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the
manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title of
your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that
you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it'
says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going
superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is
being received as modesty.

The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is
a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling'
that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to 'relax
himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being
re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes
his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde
approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in
the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your
***** is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto
your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

I f*cking wrote it!!!'

jods

pslewis

Oi!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suresh

Like it. Thanks for sharing.



A blonde travelling around India goes into the 'world wide message centre' to send a message to her mother overseas. When Gupta the owner told her it would cost 5,000 rupees, she exclaimed:" I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother ". The man arched an eyebrow. " Anything? "he asked. " Yes, yes, anything " the blonde promised."
Well then, just follow me " said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door " the man said. She did.
He then said, " Now get on your knees ". She did.
"Now take down my zipper ". She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out .... " he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered, " Well ... go ahead ".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it... and while holding It close to her lips, tentatively said...........



" Hello, mum, can you hear me? "

Rapid17