Flat-Four

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

hux309

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat *******"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up
and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
'Aaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same
thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs
and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an
ice-cream'.
He said '99?'
I said 'No we'll start with one'
He said 'Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'I said we'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?'
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in
went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went
into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Flat-Four

Cut and paste from some website?
V Good though!
Our Local Ice Cream man was found dead in his van covered in 100's and 1000's, the police say that he topped himself...Tee Hee Hee

hux309

Yeah just google them, tons of the things about.

Always good for a quick chuckle.

Might post up some peter kay-isms tomorrow.

OcTag3n

iTrader: (4)

"I walked into this bar.......I walked into this bar & I went uhh!!

"it was an iron bar"

Lee247

Ohh, jokes, just like that

what would scooby do

His best one:

I had a Chinese meal last night, I complained to the waiter that the chicken was rubbery...

The waiter replied - why thank you.