SteveShort's Tuesday Funnies
06 November 2007, 06:48 PM
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SteveShort's Tuesday Funnies
Swiss has asked me to fill in, because he is sulking in the corner 
The updated Nusery Rhymes
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
*
*
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh ****, it's Global Warming.
*
*
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
*
*
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have u got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
"Pies you ********."
*
*
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ****
and turned its wool to nylon.
*
*
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
*
*
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ***
Now two of his teeth are missing.
*
*
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
THE 6 BEST SMART ARSED ANSWERS OF 2007
SMART ARSED ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
The updated Nusery Rhymes
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
*
*
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh ****, it's Global Warming.
*
*
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
*
*
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have u got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
"Pies you ********."
*
*
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ****
and turned its wool to nylon.
*
*
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
*
*
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ***
Now two of his teeth are missing.
*
*
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
THE 6 BEST SMART ARSED ANSWERS OF 2007
SMART ARSED ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
06 November 2007, 07:16 PM
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Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
For some hanky panky
10 months on
And Jack's long gone
So it's Jill and little Frankie
(or something like that
)
Went up the hill
For some hanky panky
10 months on
And Jack's long gone
So it's Jill and little Frankie
(or something like that
)
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06 November 2007, 11:00 PM
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08 November 2007, 11:40 AM
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