Snazy

OK short version.
Mum has cancer, due to her being fussy and refusing things its deemed terminal.
The family have known about this for a few months now, and my sister for one reason or another has distanced herself from mum.

Now she lives on the next street, I however live with mum. Sister has 2 kids, both of reasonable age, and all they know is they for one reason or another have not seen nanny for months. Where as before when nan was well enough (and usable) she used to collect them from school lots.

Now my sister could be taking it all very badly and not be able to cope. However im getting more and more intolorant of her actions and comments.
She had not once attended hospital with mum, thats been left to me. Not once helped out around the house, thats my job too. She knows little of whats going on etc.

During the current course of chemo, mum has become very ill, and housebound. Something she was dreading. The final straw for me came today when my mum told me she spoke to my sister today and asked if she could collect a sick cert from the doctors for her, to which my sister replied, "im busy, cant Michael do it" Its the FIRST thing in all this my mum has actually asked her to do, and she cant even do that!

The list of other snubs is endless. When we first found out she had cancer, me and mum were collecting my niece from school daily. On this day we went to the hospital to find out the test results. Knowing we might be late my sister text to ask how it went. I told her it was terminal and in both breasts.. Her reaction...... "can you still collect Daryl from school or am I going to have to?"


Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd breathe!

cookstar

iTrader: (6)

Have you told her about herself yet?

Eddie1980

I lost my farther to cancer the other month, even though you know its coming its very hard. Nothing in life prepares you for the loss of a parent, nothing.

It does effect each person differently, some people fall apart, others become warm and caring and cannot do enough, other people try to blank it out and pretend like nothing has changed.

While the behavior in question does seem a little unreasonable is it possible she is behaving like this because she cannot actually cope with the alternative?? Its possible however thats she is just that cold.

My feelings are with you in what is a very hard time.

Sonic'

I will PM you later Michael

NotoriousREV

I'm afraid I'm a bit like your sister in this scenario. It's a coping mechanism and while on the one hand it's helps put a bad situation out of your mind, it also increases the feelings of guilt. At that point it becomes a viscious circle: you don't feel you can "get involved" again as you've been distant and you convince yourself that as you've been such a bad person you wouldn't be wanted anyway. At least that's assuming your sister not just a bad person

FlightMan

Think Rev's hit the nail on the head.
My sister in law went on a 14 day holiday to Barbados, when her mum was in a hospice with a "few weeks" left. Needless to say, she passed away while sister in law was away. She's never forgiven herself, but at the time it was her way of coping.

Snazy, any chance you can pop over and have a chat with your sister? Try and find out how she is feeling.

Snazy

Cookstar, the temptation is chipping away at me, . But I know it will only make things even harder, so not going to.

I do appreciate the sentiment that some have pointed out, about dealing with it etc, and am sure thats what it is.
But things like phoning up and telling my mum that her boyfriends family member is really ill with cancer and having a hard time, just makes me angry.

She is telling her own mother who has cancer that someone she knows has cancer and is really ill!! No ****! So does our mum! Grrrr

I think I am finally realising how stressful the whole family member having cancer is. Sadly its not the actual illness and coping thats causing the stress, its my sister.

Pain in the **** bit is, I have a lot on my plate right now, and a lot more worries regarding the whole cancer thing. i.e will my daughter ever meet her nan again. Not seen her since she was 4 etc. Legal issues with work, my return to work etc...... And now, trying to keep my mums mind off her daughters behaviour towards her.

I think mum is really starting to feel my sister resents her in some way, and feels alienated by it all. She has made that well known, to me at least.

cookstar

iTrader: (6)

Also, sorry to hear about your mum mate.

Snazy

My sister is not the sort of person you can "talk to" sadly. More talk at, until she shouts you down, knows more than you, and switches off and ignores you.

She is a combination of Tiff from Eastenders, and the Catherine Tate character (am I bovvered)

Like I say though, I know what people mean about her coping mechanism Just very unfortunate. I think its the little bits that make it unacceptable. The comments, the expectations, and the ignorance.

Snazy

Cheers mate.

Sonic, cheers, i shall watch the inbox. Got to go do some chores now, sister could not make it............

slipstream_uk

iTrader: (1)

Also im sorry to hear about your mum mate.

My thoughts its probably the way your sister copes with it, blocking it out. At the end of the day she is still family. Try not to get too upset over it with your sister. Have you looked into getting some type of home help ?

David Lock

I am not switched on to this "can't cope so she stays away" argument.

Sorry to say but she sounds like a selfish bitch to me. Does bro-in-law/her boyfriend have any views on her behaviour?

Sounds like you have enough to do and worry about without sister playing silly buggers.

Can you take her kids to see mum without her?

Good luck and try and keep mum happy

d

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

*Ignoring our dislike for each other for one post*

I'm 25, at 20 my mum died from Cancer. It took 5 years and as I'm sure anyone who has experience cancer will agree it takes a lot out of the family..

You'll be completely surprised to know I put the blinkers on and pretended it wasn't happening. I cared for my mum as if she was just sick.

Right up until the end... even now I don't let myself think about her.. one day I'll probably have a break down .. but anyway ..

My sister was 14 ... she'd known the dog longer than her own mother ... she acted out against us. She moved away at 18 and basically told us how we'd stopped her greaving.

She spoke to someone about it where she lives now and they talked her through it... my dad, my brother and myself tried to support her, we did all we could but it wasn't anywhere near what she needed.

Your sister can't be forced to accept it, the more you show anger towards her (IMO) the more she will lock herself and her children away from what could possibly be the loss of her mother and their grand mother.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, I don't know you or your family and I can only advise based on my experiences...

Dont let it get worse.. help your sister to speak to your mother... or I promise you it will be the biggest regret of her and probably your life !! If your mother dies whilst your sister is not speaking to her the anger you'll feel might split you and your sister up for the rest of your lives ...

Again all IMO and I offer it only as suggestion.

*Snazy hate mode activated again*

Snazy

lol cheers Pimmo.... there no hate there mate, just humour, sometimes a little sore

Thank you for sharing what is a very personal experience there Sounds like you had a hard time of it indeed. Im very sorry to hear of your loss, so young too.

Im torn between a couple of the responses really. David, right now, thats exactly how I feel about the whole situation. I dont hate her for her choice, nor argue with her over it, but I do think she could just TRY and come to terms with it.
She seems very involved in her other halfs family and their woes, but ignores her own.

Regardless of how she is actually coping with it, its the irriating things like expecting my mum to collect my niece from school, refusing to collect a sick cert, failing to book a doctors appointment for my mum when she told her about the lumps. She knew 2 weeks before me, and did nothing. Those are the bits that make me "mad" about it all.

With regards to me regretting anything, cold as it sounds but I dont do regret, and would not regret my sister making a poor decision, nor feel any guilt for her choice. In the nicest possible way I could move away from my sister tomorrow and not think about it again. Not because I dislike her, but we just dont have that sort of bond. Its my niece and nephew I would miss more.

Help around the house, I have commited myself to being there to do anything that needs doing. Rather than taking digs at my sister for failing to help, I iwll usually just take up the slack and get on with the job in hand. I will make provisions for while I am away of course, as I dont expect things to change for a second.

Bringing the kids to see her without her is a tough one. Mum is clearly ill now, so there would be questions I am not in a moral position to answer, so would not like to cause complications.

All said and done.... I know my sister is having trouble coping with the fact our mother is dying. I guess I have always been the slightly mentally stronger one of the two, so was always going to be the one "in control" so to speak. However as I have said above, its the selfish behaviour thats really getting to me. As David said, i have enough on my plate right now, so cannot take on councelling my sister too, and making her see sense.
I guess the only thing I have is the power of the written word. So sad as it sounds, im going to write her something, hoping it appeals to the human side of her, and to touch a few heart strings. Maybe that will make things click into place.

Thank you for all the replies, and the open expression. Please dont think that any comments will cause offence. Im pretty hard skinned really. I got to be with a sister like this lol.

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

She is being a ****, she needs telling,

Coping mechanism, well boo-hoo, ITS HER MUM FFS, thats who needs support, its not about your sister at this particular time.

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

Ever considered a job as counsellor ...

Snazy

Blunt and too the point as ever, but an honest opinion, which is what I was after

Im inclined to agree with at least 90% of the sentiment behind that post too.
I do however as I have said respect that some people cannot come to terms with things as devastating as this.

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Lol, normally I would do a three page diatribe about the possible causes, possible outcomes and ways to approach it, in this case she needs telling, whatever is causing it.

Either she cant face it or cant be arsed, both ways she needs telling as by what Snazy has said his mum may have limited time left, so either way f*cking about isn't an option, their mum needs support, how would I feel if I was ill and one of my kids didn't visit ? I would be wondering what I had done wrong and Snazy's mum doesn't need that, its stressful and depressing and when you are ill anyway, well it cant help.

cookstar

iTrader: (6)

Agreed.

Snazy

Fairly put, and I think im on the level with your thinking too

Lee247

Snazy, not being awful here, but your Sister wants a good slap.

When My Mum went through this just before Christmas, me and my Brothers all got together and sorted out who did what to get round our jobs etc.

No arguments, just all got on with helping Mum.

It's not fair, her expecting you to do everything. She sounds really selfish and full of her own importance. Sounds like she hasn't given any thought to your poor Mum.

Scoobychick

iTrader: (1)

I'm in the J4CKO camp here, she needs talking to whatever her reasons for blanking it out.

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

Be careful how you talk to her.. telling her shes being a dick might get the wrong reaction and she'll break away completely.

Spoon

Your sister actually sounds like she has low self esteem and is jealous of you and your Mothers relationship and therefore is acting like a spoilt child and pretending she doesn't care until she's asked. I'm sure if you told her nicely how important it was to you and your Mother that she gets involved, and how only some things only a daughter can understand, she would.

Not my way of course, I'd tell the selfish bint to remember her own family crisis first but nonetheless I can write like I am a lentil munching councellor too.

Snazy

Yup I totally agree mate, as I have said up there somewhere lol cant remember where, but if I say too much she will just stop talking totally.

I kinda wish there was another sibling somewhere to share the load, but I think its a bit late wanting another brother or sister lol. I envy ya Lee for being able to share the load.

Just to give some more info.....

She has had 3 rounds of chemo now. Before the chemo started Paula (my sister) was still coming round. On the day the chemo started, she didnt show, and from that day on, no sign.
First and second set of chemo mum was still going to work, no ill effects, so really didnt ask much of Paula. But since the last course started, she has become VERY weak, lots of sores on her hands and face, and finds it very difficult to do anything. Due to her COPD too, she is breathless and tired too. Not the best combo.

I will start a convo with her about it in a mo, and let y'all know what she has to say for herself. Im gonna approach the subject by asking if she can pop in twice a day while im away.
Somehow I get the impression she is going to, or already talking behind my back, saying im selfish to consider going away in the first place. Ho hum.

Snazy

Could be onto something there in a way. I asked her a while ago if she could come to the hospital, and mentioned that I had been to all the appointments to date. Her response was to tell me in so many words that I had bullied her out, and taken control of the matter.
Kind of a weak excuse. Guys Hospital is a big place, and plenty of room for her to come along if she so wished.

It has got to the point where she is so out of touch she does not even know when mum is in hospital. And even when she does, instead of popping round to see how it went, she will text and ask me.

Mum now jokes about it, but I think deep inside its actually offending or hurting her quite a lot, that her daughter is not getting involved. Paula's most productive decision to date is to go to the doctors and ask to be screened herself for cancers. Then come moaning to my mum when they said there is no need for immediate screening.

ScoobyWon't

Text your sister a link to this thread

Snazy

lol not a bad idea, but then she would certainly ignore me for life. I can handle that, but dont wanna drive a wedge between her and mum.

Snazy

Right here goes....

I just text her asking if she can pop round to check on mum twice a day, daily while im away.....

Her reply was.... "I will speak to work and see what I can do"...
A second reply says she has a second job at the school now, so it makes getting round harder..

Just to point out something here...

This is how close everything is..

Snazy

Just bit the bullet and said that she should really come round and spend some time with mum, while the going is good. Seeing as she is not very well right now...

Grrr I got the reply "why, how bad is she" !!
You only live in the next road, COME AND SEE!

So I have told her, honestly....
Very tired, in bed most of the day, throwing up quite a bit, up at 1am chucking up, sores over her hands and face, cant breathe, and pretty down..

Was that a little too much info, or a reality check?