Some humour for you miserable Victor Meldrew lot in NSR
22 January 2009, 12:56 PM
#1
Some humour for you miserable Victor Meldrew lot in NSR
Some are in appropriate but hey, so am I sometimes 
Just bought my epileptic mate a strobe light for Christmas. He’ll have a f*cking fit when he sees it!!!
Been chatting to this 14 year old on the internet. She's funny, smart and dead sexy, We had some real good cyber sessions. Then she tells me she's an undercover policewoman…
How cool is that at 14?!!
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to f*ck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a sh*t on the floor and **** everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink ****.
Let's see CrimeWatch f*cking stage a reconstruction of that!
This afternoon i had to change a lightbulb, then i knocked on my mates door, then i crossed a road, to get to the bar.. then i realised 'my life is just one big joke...'
There's a new sex position in the Karma Sutra called THE PLUMBER. Both of you stay in all day and no f*cker comes
Has anyone noticed how disabled toilets are the only ones big enough to run around in?
What do spinach and **** sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult
A dog is truly mans best friend. Not convinced ?
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of your car for an hour. When you open it see who is happy to see you.
Just bought my epileptic mate a strobe light for Christmas. He’ll have a f*cking fit when he sees it!!!
Been chatting to this 14 year old on the internet. She's funny, smart and dead sexy, We had some real good cyber sessions. Then she tells me she's an undercover policewoman…
How cool is that at 14?!!
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to f*ck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a sh*t on the floor and **** everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink ****.
Let's see CrimeWatch f*cking stage a reconstruction of that!
This afternoon i had to change a lightbulb, then i knocked on my mates door, then i crossed a road, to get to the bar.. then i realised 'my life is just one big joke...'
There's a new sex position in the Karma Sutra called THE PLUMBER. Both of you stay in all day and no f*cker comes
Has anyone noticed how disabled toilets are the only ones big enough to run around in?
What do spinach and **** sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult
A dog is truly mans best friend. Not convinced ?
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of your car for an hour. When you open it see who is happy to see you.
22 January 2009, 01:07 PM
#4
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I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don't know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc'd my new girlfriend who wanted proof.
Christmas was great at the Travolta house.
John got a PlayStation 3, his wife received an XBox 360, and his son had a Wii Fit...
I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.
It was terrible. I didn't know how to react.
For those of you who missed the Tottenham vs Burnley match, the highlights will be shown on Crimewatch later.
My mate came up with the greatest pick up line last night at the bar, he went to a girl and asked :
"**** me if i'm wrong, but don't you wanna kiss me?"
My girlfriend said to me: "If you really loved me you'd go down on one knee."
So I replied: "If you really loved me you'd go down. On both knees." I like this!
I'm about 3yrs into my relationship now, and I've started to have erection difficulties.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some viagra;
And I've bought her a treadmill.
Christmas was great at the Travolta house.
John got a PlayStation 3, his wife received an XBox 360, and his son had a Wii Fit...
I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.
It was terrible. I didn't know how to react.
For those of you who missed the Tottenham vs Burnley match, the highlights will be shown on Crimewatch later.
My mate came up with the greatest pick up line last night at the bar, he went to a girl and asked :
"**** me if i'm wrong, but don't you wanna kiss me?"
My girlfriend said to me: "If you really loved me you'd go down on one knee."
So I replied: "If you really loved me you'd go down. On both knees." I like this!
I'm about 3yrs into my relationship now, and I've started to have erection difficulties.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some viagra;
And I've bought her a treadmill.
22 January 2009, 01:09 PM
#6
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Richard and Judy's daughter Chloe Madeley poses for sexy photos - Telegraph
Apparently Richard was OK with this - but Judy was so mad she was shaking !
ps The joke is courtesy of a local radio station.
Apparently Richard was OK with this - but Judy was so mad she was shaking !
ps The joke is courtesy of a local radio station.
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22 January 2009, 02:08 PM
#10
A guy calls in to work to inform them that he is sick and wont be coming into work today
"how sick are you?" asks his boss
"well, I am in bed with my 12 year old daughter" replies the man
"how sick are you?" asks his boss
"well, I am in bed with my 12 year old daughter" replies the man
22 January 2009, 08:02 PM
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Paedo walking through the woods with an eight year old and it's blowing a gale.
Girl says to paedo - ooh the wind is really scarey.
Paedo says to girl - Scarey - I've got to come back on my own
Girl says to paedo - ooh the wind is really scarey.
Paedo says to girl - Scarey - I've got to come back on my own
22 January 2009, 10:15 PM
#14
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This tickled me, no doubt a SIAL, but who cares
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, Saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade''.
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, Saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade''.
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
23 January 2009, 09:13 AM
#21
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
23 January 2009, 09:22 AM
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23 January 2009, 09:49 AM
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A week after eloping together, 49 year old Robert Williams and his 15 year old chubby internet lover, Laura Stainforth, have handed themselves in to British Police in the northern French city of Lille.
What is it with France and surrendering?
What is it with France and surrendering?
24 January 2009, 06:13 PM
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what's 7 inches long and covered in arrows............ custar's last stand
My wife had a baby yesterday. She was in a lot of pain.
She screamed, "You'd better keep your dick away from me!"
The doctor said, "I agree - put it away now."
It was reported today that U.S. Airways flight 1549 actually hit a flock of seagulls and not geese as first suspected.
Unfortunately, no one from the band survived.
One of the criticisms levelled at Obama in the run up to him being elected was that he is not a real American. When you look at him, you can see what they mean... after all, he's slim.
A black president means the White House will be called the Black House?
That's ridiculous, surely it would be called Pimp Obama's Mother Fcukin' ***** Crib.
My wife had a baby yesterday. She was in a lot of pain.
She screamed, "You'd better keep your dick away from me!"
The doctor said, "I agree - put it away now."
It was reported today that U.S. Airways flight 1549 actually hit a flock of seagulls and not geese as first suspected.
Unfortunately, no one from the band survived.
One of the criticisms levelled at Obama in the run up to him being elected was that he is not a real American. When you look at him, you can see what they mean... after all, he's slim.
A black president means the White House will be called the Black House?
That's ridiculous, surely it would be called Pimp Obama's Mother Fcukin' ***** Crib.
24 January 2009, 06:16 PM
#30
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