Open letter to CEO Lloyds Bank
#1
Open letter to CEO Lloyds Bank
Oooo - they have driven me madder than a mad thing.
However I have written a very nice letter to the CEO!! It's a bit long but I thought some of you might enjoy it. It is the final draft so any barbed satire that can be added is most welcome.
By the way if any of you have any clue why this problem is happening then I would love to know. I currently have transaction awaiting authorisation at IF.COM in their fraud department that I cannot access or cancel and the merchant services provider claims has not authorised so they should go away!!!!
Dear Mr Daniels,
I write to you with some regret. I am sure that you have many pressing issues to deal with as you bring together a number of already large organisations whilst at the same time having to deal with the likes of UKFI, Mr Darling and now a new boss.
However you come across as a sensible and pragmatic man who seems to care. With your permission I would like to add another small saucer to the many plates you are spinning as I am a long time customer of Bank of Scotland; Halifax and now Intelligence Finance.
Having had many text book experiences of customer service from both Bank of Scotland and Halifax; I found myself as a customer of IF for the past five years. Sadly, the text book nature of the customer service I have had is closer to the’ how not to do it’ example rather than the exemplar.
Today I want to share with you the scale of the challenge that you face in one of the many, many brands you enjoy in your portfolio. Intelligent Finance has a quirk. I am not sure from where the quirk stems, although having worked in IT in financial services for twenty-five years I can hazard a guess. The quirk is a very simple one. If I want to access funds in the current account part of my offset scheme the most direct route is via my Visa Debit card. The same is true for my wife.
Sadly, every once in a while both of us go through a period of a few days, maybe a week where our cards do not work. And when I say do not work, either get flatly ‘Not Authorised’ or are repeatedly ‘Referred to Bank’.
As a consumer of banking services I applaud your sensitivity to checking customer transactions and ensuring their security. However I still firmly believe in the quirk for these reasons: -
• Sometimes the transaction is flatly declined and when I call IF there is no record of a transaction;
• Sometimes the transaction is flatly declined and when I call IF they can see the transaction but the retailer has no means to continue the authorisation as the merchant services provider has already ended the transaction as ‘Not Authorised’;
• Sometimes the transaction is referred to bank and then a manual authorisation takes place, although in the very next shop we go through the whole thing again;
• Finally, although this is happening a lot less than it did, it did happen to us with a far greater frequency than any other cards I currently have or have had from other banks. And now the quirk is back in three transactions in a row.
Of course all of this may simply be bad luck. The random security checks on cards has fallen on our heads just once too often. However this does lead me to a second quirk.
Today, have not suffered from the first quirk for some time it recurred in the form of not being able to pay for a £30 item when we have well over £x,xxx in our current account, I mistakenly decided to call Intelligent Finance at around 1430. First of all I spoke with Alison who was polite and listened to what I had to say about the experience. Without asking she then passed me to her supervisor, Brenda, whose opening gambit was to tell me that she had worked in retail for 15 years and so she knew that it was the retailer who was at fault here. I did ask if she wanted to hear what I had to say before commenting and her response was to say that it would make no difference. As a customer this was a red rag to a bull.
I did persist and insist that she listen, as I tried to keep an even tone. Her response was to tell me that my view of events was, ‘my interpretation’. She also commented that the ‘retailer’ was the one at fault. Fortunately I was able to deal with this as I was calling from the retailer and I was able to allow the retailer to speak to Brenda. Brenda having then reluctantly eliminated the retailer from the equation during a somewhat terse exchange then went on to blame the card machine although all other transactions and cards were working fine.
Now you have the advantage of me here, I am sure you have a recording of the call and I do not. Whilst I was very angry I do not believe I was rude. I merely asked to be listened to. However I do know, without a doubt, that as an executive in a professional services organisation, if I had heard one of my team speak to a client in the manner I was spoken to then they would be asked to leave the same day. No matter how frustrated the customer might have been or being. Although it is equally unfair of me to judge your organisation by my standards, after all I am only the paying customer.
So what? I am sorry to regale you with such minutiae and I am sure you are wondering, ‘So what?’.
The crucial dimension from the customer is that I cannot trust that my Visa Debit card will work and that is the ONLY direct access I have to my key source of funds. Intelligent Finance have consistently told me, both politely and less so, that it is not a problem of their making, although there clearly is a problem somewhere in the end-to-end system in the way the merchant provider either sees our cards or sees the interface to Intelligent Finance. I do not know or care where the issue is. The card is branded IF.COM for reason and yet IF.COM take no heed of my needs.
This leaves me with no option but to seek another banking option that is well away from the less than holy trinity of Halifax, Bank of Scotland or Intelligence Finance. Of course in these days of poor liquidity the switching barriers have increased significantly and moving large mortgages and offset accounts cannot be done with the ease it once was.
I have suffered enough and I have no confidence at all that Intelligent Finance can deliver my banking needs; I WILL find an alternative.
In the interim, I wish you all the very best with the merger of your organisations and wish you well in your dealings with your new boss, your shareholders and your customers. I am sure you know which of them really pays your salary.
Kind regards and best wishes
However I have written a very nice letter to the CEO!! It's a bit long but I thought some of you might enjoy it. It is the final draft so any barbed satire that can be added is most welcome.
By the way if any of you have any clue why this problem is happening then I would love to know. I currently have transaction awaiting authorisation at IF.COM in their fraud department that I cannot access or cancel and the merchant services provider claims has not authorised so they should go away!!!!
Dear Mr Daniels,
I write to you with some regret. I am sure that you have many pressing issues to deal with as you bring together a number of already large organisations whilst at the same time having to deal with the likes of UKFI, Mr Darling and now a new boss.
However you come across as a sensible and pragmatic man who seems to care. With your permission I would like to add another small saucer to the many plates you are spinning as I am a long time customer of Bank of Scotland; Halifax and now Intelligence Finance.
Having had many text book experiences of customer service from both Bank of Scotland and Halifax; I found myself as a customer of IF for the past five years. Sadly, the text book nature of the customer service I have had is closer to the’ how not to do it’ example rather than the exemplar.
Today I want to share with you the scale of the challenge that you face in one of the many, many brands you enjoy in your portfolio. Intelligent Finance has a quirk. I am not sure from where the quirk stems, although having worked in IT in financial services for twenty-five years I can hazard a guess. The quirk is a very simple one. If I want to access funds in the current account part of my offset scheme the most direct route is via my Visa Debit card. The same is true for my wife.
Sadly, every once in a while both of us go through a period of a few days, maybe a week where our cards do not work. And when I say do not work, either get flatly ‘Not Authorised’ or are repeatedly ‘Referred to Bank’.
As a consumer of banking services I applaud your sensitivity to checking customer transactions and ensuring their security. However I still firmly believe in the quirk for these reasons: -
• Sometimes the transaction is flatly declined and when I call IF there is no record of a transaction;
• Sometimes the transaction is flatly declined and when I call IF they can see the transaction but the retailer has no means to continue the authorisation as the merchant services provider has already ended the transaction as ‘Not Authorised’;
• Sometimes the transaction is referred to bank and then a manual authorisation takes place, although in the very next shop we go through the whole thing again;
• Finally, although this is happening a lot less than it did, it did happen to us with a far greater frequency than any other cards I currently have or have had from other banks. And now the quirk is back in three transactions in a row.
Of course all of this may simply be bad luck. The random security checks on cards has fallen on our heads just once too often. However this does lead me to a second quirk.
Today, have not suffered from the first quirk for some time it recurred in the form of not being able to pay for a £30 item when we have well over £x,xxx in our current account, I mistakenly decided to call Intelligent Finance at around 1430. First of all I spoke with Alison who was polite and listened to what I had to say about the experience. Without asking she then passed me to her supervisor, Brenda, whose opening gambit was to tell me that she had worked in retail for 15 years and so she knew that it was the retailer who was at fault here. I did ask if she wanted to hear what I had to say before commenting and her response was to say that it would make no difference. As a customer this was a red rag to a bull.
I did persist and insist that she listen, as I tried to keep an even tone. Her response was to tell me that my view of events was, ‘my interpretation’. She also commented that the ‘retailer’ was the one at fault. Fortunately I was able to deal with this as I was calling from the retailer and I was able to allow the retailer to speak to Brenda. Brenda having then reluctantly eliminated the retailer from the equation during a somewhat terse exchange then went on to blame the card machine although all other transactions and cards were working fine.
Now you have the advantage of me here, I am sure you have a recording of the call and I do not. Whilst I was very angry I do not believe I was rude. I merely asked to be listened to. However I do know, without a doubt, that as an executive in a professional services organisation, if I had heard one of my team speak to a client in the manner I was spoken to then they would be asked to leave the same day. No matter how frustrated the customer might have been or being. Although it is equally unfair of me to judge your organisation by my standards, after all I am only the paying customer.
So what? I am sorry to regale you with such minutiae and I am sure you are wondering, ‘So what?’.
The crucial dimension from the customer is that I cannot trust that my Visa Debit card will work and that is the ONLY direct access I have to my key source of funds. Intelligent Finance have consistently told me, both politely and less so, that it is not a problem of their making, although there clearly is a problem somewhere in the end-to-end system in the way the merchant provider either sees our cards or sees the interface to Intelligent Finance. I do not know or care where the issue is. The card is branded IF.COM for reason and yet IF.COM take no heed of my needs.
This leaves me with no option but to seek another banking option that is well away from the less than holy trinity of Halifax, Bank of Scotland or Intelligence Finance. Of course in these days of poor liquidity the switching barriers have increased significantly and moving large mortgages and offset accounts cannot be done with the ease it once was.
I have suffered enough and I have no confidence at all that Intelligent Finance can deliver my banking needs; I WILL find an alternative.
In the interim, I wish you all the very best with the merger of your organisations and wish you well in your dealings with your new boss, your shareholders and your customers. I am sure you know which of them really pays your salary.
Kind regards and best wishes
#6
Here is a slightly shorter version. Better or worse...
Dear Mr Daniels,
I write to you with some regret. I am sure that you have many pressing issues to deal with as you bring together a number of already large organisations whilst at the same time having to deal with the likes of UKFI, Mr Darling and now a new boss.
However you come across as a sensible and pragmatic man who seems to care. With your permission I would like to add another small saucer to the many plates you are spinning as I am a long time customer of Bank of Scotland; Halifax and now Intelligence Finance, IF.
Having had many text book experiences of customer service from both Bank of Scotland and Halifax; I found myself as a customer of IF for the past five years. Sadly, the text book nature of the customer service I have had is closer to the’ how not to do it’ example rather than the exemplar.
Intelligent Finance has a quirk. If I want to access funds in the current account part of my offset scheme the most direct route is via my Visa Debit card. Sadly, every once in a while I go through a period of a few days, maybe a week where my card does not work. And when I say do not work, either get flatly ‘Not Authorised’ or are repeatedly ‘Referred to Bank’.
As a consumer of banking services I applaud your sensitivity to checking customer transactions and ensuring their security. However the quirk is above and beyond the normal level of security checking.
Today I called IF to investigate and spoke to Brenda, I am sure you have a recording of the call. Whilst I was made to be very angry I was not rude. I merely asked to be listened to. However I do know if I had heard one of my team speak to a client in the manner I was spoken to then they would be asked to leave the same day. No matter how frustrated the customer might have been or being. Although it is unfair of me to judge your organisation by my standards, after all I am only the paying customer.
I cannot trust that my Visa Debit card will work and that is the ONLY direct access I have to my key source of funds. Intelligent Finance have consistently told me, both politely and less so, that it is not a problem of their making, although there clearly is a problem somewhere in the end-to-end system in the way the merchant provider either sees my cards or see the interface to Intelligent Finance. I do not know or care where the issue is. The card is branded IF.COM for reason and yet IF.COM take no heed of me needs.
This leaves me with no option but to seek another banking option that is well away from the less than holy trinity of Halifax, Bank of Scotland and Intelligence Finance. Of course in these days of poor liquidity the switching barriers have increased significantly and moving large mortgages and offset accounts cannot be done with the ease it once was.
I have suffered enough and I have no confidence that Intelligent Finance can deliver my banking needs; I WILL find an alternative.
In the interim, I wish you all the very best with the merger of your organisations and wish you well in your dealings with your new boss, your shareholders and your customers. I am sure you know which of them really pays your salary.
Kind regards and best wishes,
Dear Mr Daniels,
I write to you with some regret. I am sure that you have many pressing issues to deal with as you bring together a number of already large organisations whilst at the same time having to deal with the likes of UKFI, Mr Darling and now a new boss.
However you come across as a sensible and pragmatic man who seems to care. With your permission I would like to add another small saucer to the many plates you are spinning as I am a long time customer of Bank of Scotland; Halifax and now Intelligence Finance, IF.
Having had many text book experiences of customer service from both Bank of Scotland and Halifax; I found myself as a customer of IF for the past five years. Sadly, the text book nature of the customer service I have had is closer to the’ how not to do it’ example rather than the exemplar.
Intelligent Finance has a quirk. If I want to access funds in the current account part of my offset scheme the most direct route is via my Visa Debit card. Sadly, every once in a while I go through a period of a few days, maybe a week where my card does not work. And when I say do not work, either get flatly ‘Not Authorised’ or are repeatedly ‘Referred to Bank’.
As a consumer of banking services I applaud your sensitivity to checking customer transactions and ensuring their security. However the quirk is above and beyond the normal level of security checking.
Today I called IF to investigate and spoke to Brenda, I am sure you have a recording of the call. Whilst I was made to be very angry I was not rude. I merely asked to be listened to. However I do know if I had heard one of my team speak to a client in the manner I was spoken to then they would be asked to leave the same day. No matter how frustrated the customer might have been or being. Although it is unfair of me to judge your organisation by my standards, after all I am only the paying customer.
I cannot trust that my Visa Debit card will work and that is the ONLY direct access I have to my key source of funds. Intelligent Finance have consistently told me, both politely and less so, that it is not a problem of their making, although there clearly is a problem somewhere in the end-to-end system in the way the merchant provider either sees my cards or see the interface to Intelligent Finance. I do not know or care where the issue is. The card is branded IF.COM for reason and yet IF.COM take no heed of me needs.
This leaves me with no option but to seek another banking option that is well away from the less than holy trinity of Halifax, Bank of Scotland and Intelligence Finance. Of course in these days of poor liquidity the switching barriers have increased significantly and moving large mortgages and offset accounts cannot be done with the ease it once was.
I have suffered enough and I have no confidence that Intelligent Finance can deliver my banking needs; I WILL find an alternative.
In the interim, I wish you all the very best with the merger of your organisations and wish you well in your dealings with your new boss, your shareholders and your customers. I am sure you know which of them really pays your salary.
Kind regards and best wishes,
Trending Topics
#8
Scooby Senior
iTrader: (3)
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,333
Likes: 0
From: Slowly rebuilding the kit of bits into a car...
LOL
I used to do my main banking via IF.com, but now can't remember my passwords, so they won't talk to me on the phone, reply constructively to my e-mails, or have a branch I can visit.
My other accounts are with LloydsTSB, a much more agreeable organisation - NOT !
dunx
I used to do my main banking via IF.com, but now can't remember my passwords, so they won't talk to me on the phone, reply constructively to my e-mails, or have a branch I can visit.
My other accounts are with LloydsTSB, a much more agreeable organisation - NOT !
dunx
#10
Well written but pointless as he wont be the one opening the letter. My gf used to be PA to the MD of similar organisation and opened all her boss's letters. Any complaints / stuff like this, was binned or passed on to a customer complaints rep.
SBK
SBK
#13
Simon,
you are mostly right. Someone like Eric Daniels will probably get 30-100 letters addressed to his office every day at normal times. In these abnormal times it is hard to guess.
However, pretty much all major financial service organisations have a unit called CEO complaints. You get a whole different level of attention if you manage to correctly address a letter to the CEO's office. This is something that is also tracked by the Financial Services Authority. One piece of management information they require from all regulated organisations is the number of CEO complaints and the time taken to resolve them.
Indeed I would be surprised if even his PA got to see this at first opening. But it MUST be followed up.
In addition to the special unit, Mr Daniels will probably get to see around 10-30 of the top complaints very week. I am hoping that one of two things will happen. The letter will be interesting enough/amusing enough to be sent to him, or as Jay says there is a bit of interest in the net.
I can't be too rude though as Lloyds is a client of mine!!!!! Not so good if he makes the connection
I do have an inside track as the total f**kwit who I dealt with in the call centre yesterday will be outed as I am in a workshop with about 50 of her much more senior colleagues today where they will get some direct customer feedback!
Trout
you are mostly right. Someone like Eric Daniels will probably get 30-100 letters addressed to his office every day at normal times. In these abnormal times it is hard to guess.
However, pretty much all major financial service organisations have a unit called CEO complaints. You get a whole different level of attention if you manage to correctly address a letter to the CEO's office. This is something that is also tracked by the Financial Services Authority. One piece of management information they require from all regulated organisations is the number of CEO complaints and the time taken to resolve them.
Indeed I would be surprised if even his PA got to see this at first opening. But it MUST be followed up.
In addition to the special unit, Mr Daniels will probably get to see around 10-30 of the top complaints very week. I am hoping that one of two things will happen. The letter will be interesting enough/amusing enough to be sent to him, or as Jay says there is a bit of interest in the net.
I can't be too rude though as Lloyds is a client of mine!!!!! Not so good if he makes the connection
I do have an inside track as the total f**kwit who I dealt with in the call centre yesterday will be outed as I am in a workshop with about 50 of her much more senior colleagues today where they will get some direct customer feedback!
Trout
#14
Scooby Regular
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 11,097
Likes: 0
From: Going further than the station and back !!! ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz
Neil from the Young Ones had the right idea.
Darling Bank Manager
Give me some more money you B*rstard.
May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of thy woman
Love,
Neil.
Darling Bank Manager
Give me some more money you B*rstard.
May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of thy woman
Love,
Neil.
#21
I am thinking of a new spin on Brenda. The reason she was such a wind up is that from the get go she told me what my problem was without event asking me. She really did not want to hear what I or the retailer had to day.
So the spin is to compliment Mr Daniels on employing call centre supervisors with clairvoyance skills who can predict the customers problems and needs.
It is indeed the British tradition, when we get angry we look at our shoes, when we get really angry we write a letter!!!
So the spin is to compliment Mr Daniels on employing call centre supervisors with clairvoyance skills who can predict the customers problems and needs.
It is indeed the British tradition, when we get angry we look at our shoes, when we get really angry we write a letter!!!
#23
Scooby Regular
iTrader: (2)
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 8,626
Likes: 1
From: Class record holder at Pembrey Llandow Goodwood MIRA Hethel Blyton Curborough Lydden and Snetterton
Yep we need the power of the internet for this
I suggest that other people on here give the letter their best shot with no intention of it being sent.
Also to get it to spread like wildfire we need pics. Funny pics. Funny pics of the individuals involved that are freely available on the public domain. So we need Brenda, we need Mr Daniels, and of course we need to get creative with photoshop
I suggest that other people on here give the letter their best shot with no intention of it being sent.
Also to get it to spread like wildfire we need pics. Funny pics. Funny pics of the individuals involved that are freely available on the public domain. So we need Brenda, we need Mr Daniels, and of course we need to get creative with photoshop
#26
Factual, but boring.
My local HSBC is offering sucking up of monumental proportions. At least they have branch I can go and kick off in should the going get tough!
Dear Mr Daniels,
as a customer of Intelligent Finance which you recently acquired as part of the HBoS transaction I am writing to you to let you know I will be closing my accounts in the very near future. I am writing to you personally as I have had no satisfaction from any dealing I have had directly with Intelligent Finance.
Ever since I have been a customer I have had periodic issues with my Visa Debit Card being declined in High Street retailers. There has been no pattern to this, other than the this happening multiple times in a period of a few days and then it rights itself.
I appreciate that customer security is paramount and that sporadic referrals are necessary and welcome. However this is not the case here. The merchant's card services provider is not referring, it is instantly declining. I have contacted Intelligent Finance on a number of occasions and was asked to collect data of these transactions. I supplied this information and never got a response.
Having been trouble free for quite a while this happened again this week on four consecutive transactions. Only one was referred, the other three immediately declined.
I contacted Intelligent Finance from the retailer and spoke with Brenda the supervisor. Brenda made it clear that it was either I, the retailer or the merchant services provider who was at fault as she could see the referred transactions. Something clearly does not work in the end-to-end system as in the retailer the transaction was immediately, 'Not Authorised'. Brenda's tone and approach to the call was entirely inappropriate to a customer and rather than placating me and allowing me to air my views, Brenda was aggressive and defensive in equal measure. I am sure you have a recording of the call - please give it a listen. Brenda was equally terse when speaking with the retailer to discuss the three failed transactions and still refused to accept what we described.
As I cannot access my funds with confidence this leaves me with two options - Lloyds Bank can migrate my accounts and mortgage to a more suitable product within the bank or I will move to another provider and I do not expect any financial penalties for doing so. I seek your response within seven days.
Yours etc.
My local HSBC is offering sucking up of monumental proportions. At least they have branch I can go and kick off in should the going get tough!
Dear Mr Daniels,
as a customer of Intelligent Finance which you recently acquired as part of the HBoS transaction I am writing to you to let you know I will be closing my accounts in the very near future. I am writing to you personally as I have had no satisfaction from any dealing I have had directly with Intelligent Finance.
Ever since I have been a customer I have had periodic issues with my Visa Debit Card being declined in High Street retailers. There has been no pattern to this, other than the this happening multiple times in a period of a few days and then it rights itself.
I appreciate that customer security is paramount and that sporadic referrals are necessary and welcome. However this is not the case here. The merchant's card services provider is not referring, it is instantly declining. I have contacted Intelligent Finance on a number of occasions and was asked to collect data of these transactions. I supplied this information and never got a response.
Having been trouble free for quite a while this happened again this week on four consecutive transactions. Only one was referred, the other three immediately declined.
I contacted Intelligent Finance from the retailer and spoke with Brenda the supervisor. Brenda made it clear that it was either I, the retailer or the merchant services provider who was at fault as she could see the referred transactions. Something clearly does not work in the end-to-end system as in the retailer the transaction was immediately, 'Not Authorised'. Brenda's tone and approach to the call was entirely inappropriate to a customer and rather than placating me and allowing me to air my views, Brenda was aggressive and defensive in equal measure. I am sure you have a recording of the call - please give it a listen. Brenda was equally terse when speaking with the retailer to discuss the three failed transactions and still refused to accept what we described.
As I cannot access my funds with confidence this leaves me with two options - Lloyds Bank can migrate my accounts and mortgage to a more suitable product within the bank or I will move to another provider and I do not expect any financial penalties for doing so. I seek your response within seven days.
Yours etc.
#27
I also spoke to the guy who is the Head of IT at HBoS and he is going to get someone intelligent (is this possible) at IF to call me.
The IF systems are completely separate and unique to IF and so this is both possible and would explain why it is not a problem with other cards. I am sure there is a messaging problem between IF and the merchant services providers. All very simple if someone would only fess up!
The IF systems are completely separate and unique to IF and so this is both possible and would explain why it is not a problem with other cards. I am sure there is a messaging problem between IF and the merchant services providers. All very simple if someone would only fess up!
#29
Trout, I respect what your trying to do, and I am fully behind you as the way you've been treated is pi55 poor. I didn’t know about the complaints teams nowadays, and how the FSA want to see examples of complaints etc etc. My g/f was a PA 3 years ago, so unless this is relatively new procedure / team, then it was ignored back then too.
In the real world, how often do `correct` procedures / real life operating methods run parallel together? All of our work / offices have procedures we should follow, but after a while these are ignored and you do your own thing. This, I feel, is one of those.
I agree with the internet comment though as in the past complaint letters only become noticed, reacted upon, when they've been highlighted by multiple forums, that a newspaper picks up the story, making the relating company / director take note and react.
Please don’t confuse my opinions as not agree with you, as I do, but I’m just weathered by the reality of life and how things should be done, never seem to actually happen like that.
Best of luck though, i hope it lands on the guy's desk !
SBK
In the real world, how often do `correct` procedures / real life operating methods run parallel together? All of our work / offices have procedures we should follow, but after a while these are ignored and you do your own thing. This, I feel, is one of those.
I agree with the internet comment though as in the past complaint letters only become noticed, reacted upon, when they've been highlighted by multiple forums, that a newspaper picks up the story, making the relating company / director take note and react.
Please don’t confuse my opinions as not agree with you, as I do, but I’m just weathered by the reality of life and how things should be done, never seem to actually happen like that.
Best of luck though, i hope it lands on the guy's desk !
SBK
#30
Probable reply to your letter :
Dear Peasant,
I read your letter, sitting in my oak and velvet lined office at my antique desk, which cost more than your house ( oh, and my 20 year old PA is under the desk with my **** in her mouth at this very moment ) as one of my minions who would normally burn this sort of correspondence mistakenly put it in with my proper post ( he will be at the dole office by the end of the week ! )
To be honest, I don't really give a toss, five more minutes and I'm off to the golf course for a round with the local Chief Inspector, then a few malts and off down the lodge for an 8 course dinner of swans necks, panda toes and baby seal eyeballs.
What you fail to realise, is that as well as being paid so much I have no concept of the real world, because I have reached these dizzy heights, I can now fxxk up anything as badly as I want, and will still get a massive payoff and huge pension anyway.
Yours etc...
Sadly, you are probably much more likely to get a decent response and some help from someone much lower down the food chain. While I can see why you would want to address the CEO, its more than likely pissing in the wind.
Dear Peasant,
I read your letter, sitting in my oak and velvet lined office at my antique desk, which cost more than your house ( oh, and my 20 year old PA is under the desk with my **** in her mouth at this very moment ) as one of my minions who would normally burn this sort of correspondence mistakenly put it in with my proper post ( he will be at the dole office by the end of the week ! )
To be honest, I don't really give a toss, five more minutes and I'm off to the golf course for a round with the local Chief Inspector, then a few malts and off down the lodge for an 8 course dinner of swans necks, panda toes and baby seal eyeballs.
What you fail to realise, is that as well as being paid so much I have no concept of the real world, because I have reached these dizzy heights, I can now fxxk up anything as badly as I want, and will still get a massive payoff and huge pension anyway.
Yours etc...
Sadly, you are probably much more likely to get a decent response and some help from someone much lower down the food chain. While I can see why you would want to address the CEO, its more than likely pissing in the wind.