Am I heading for self-destruction?
17 November 2009, 12:41 AM
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Am I heading for self-destruction?
Does anyone else on here ever get the feeling they are in a circle of self-destruction?
I can't pin-point where this feeling has come from, and I'm not sure how to explain it. Before everyone starts off offering sympathy, especially in ways akin to that offered to Snazy and CoB, this isn't an attempt at self pity - I'm purely trying to get my thoughts in order. Call it an attempt at self-help.
For the last two to three months I've been feeling life is out of control and I'm ultimately heading for self-destruction. I can't pin-point what's brought this on, just a mixure of somewhat irrational feelings and behaviours.
For instance, my sleep pattern went out of the window months ago. To say it is disturbed is an understatement. Often I'll find myself wide-awake at 03:00, having not managed to sleep, when I'm due to be up at 05:30. When this happens I find I feel physically exhausted, and often drop off when I first get home for a couple of hours and then I'm wide awake again, back in the circle of not being able to sleep. Even tonight, I dropped off at 18:00 and was awake again by 20:30, now I just can't switch off.
I'm finding this is leading to a total lack of motivation. Some days, when I do not have to be up early, I have found myself unable to get out of bed, just lying there for hours. I've just pulled the duvet up over my head and stayed there until I have to force myself to get out of bed in order not to be late for work. On days off, I'm finding that I sometimes don't even leave the house as I don't want to see or speak to others, almost as if I am trying to avoid something. Again, my mind is constantly churning, not switching off.
The extent of this lack of motivation covers work and home life, for instance, I can't face the thought of a 1 minute walk to the local pay point to pay my electricity bill, which is now about 4 weeks overdue. It's not even a case of not wanting to see the staff there, or a lack of funds, it's purely a case of wanting to lock myself away from the world.
This lack of motivation seems to be extending to my interests. I can't remember the last time I went to the gym or my Jujutsu class. Again, I can't pin-point why. I just feel as if I'm withdrawing and my hobbies and interests seem to be reducing.
While I am at work, I'm continually feeling anxious or worried, and I feel this is resulting in myself not performing well at work, and even feeling irritable and intolerant of others, both colleagues and the public. I've even noticed that I am becoming incredibly tongue-tied, and effective communication is essential to my role. This is of course resulting in a lack of enjoyment at work.
Other things I've noticed is a lack of appetite. I'm now only bothering with one small meal per day, tonight for instance, I've had half a cold chicken breast and a splash of cold gravy. Again, I think this is down to a lack of motivation (to cook - which is something I've always loved to do) and not wanting to venture to Tesco. The flipside of this, is that I seem to have increased my intake of alcohol. This, I think, is to make myself forget (and possibly feel better) and also to help me sleep.
Overall, I just feel sad most of the time, almost what could be described as a continuously low mood. This seems to be going hand in hand with an unfounded feeling of guilt, as if everything I'm doing is wrong, which again compounds feeling anxious and worried and seems to be extending towards a mixture of hopelessness and helplessness and I'm finding it hard to be moivated or positive about anything.
Anyway, apologies for rambling, I just need to gain some focus and take steps to feel positive about the future. As the old phrase goes, if you don't have anything positive to say, then don't say anything, it's taken a lot to commit this to words, and no-one's forcing you to read this.
I can't pin-point where this feeling has come from, and I'm not sure how to explain it. Before everyone starts off offering sympathy, especially in ways akin to that offered to Snazy and CoB, this isn't an attempt at self pity - I'm purely trying to get my thoughts in order. Call it an attempt at self-help.
For the last two to three months I've been feeling life is out of control and I'm ultimately heading for self-destruction. I can't pin-point what's brought this on, just a mixure of somewhat irrational feelings and behaviours.
For instance, my sleep pattern went out of the window months ago. To say it is disturbed is an understatement. Often I'll find myself wide-awake at 03:00, having not managed to sleep, when I'm due to be up at 05:30. When this happens I find I feel physically exhausted, and often drop off when I first get home for a couple of hours and then I'm wide awake again, back in the circle of not being able to sleep. Even tonight, I dropped off at 18:00 and was awake again by 20:30, now I just can't switch off.
I'm finding this is leading to a total lack of motivation. Some days, when I do not have to be up early, I have found myself unable to get out of bed, just lying there for hours. I've just pulled the duvet up over my head and stayed there until I have to force myself to get out of bed in order not to be late for work. On days off, I'm finding that I sometimes don't even leave the house as I don't want to see or speak to others, almost as if I am trying to avoid something. Again, my mind is constantly churning, not switching off.
The extent of this lack of motivation covers work and home life, for instance, I can't face the thought of a 1 minute walk to the local pay point to pay my electricity bill, which is now about 4 weeks overdue. It's not even a case of not wanting to see the staff there, or a lack of funds, it's purely a case of wanting to lock myself away from the world.
This lack of motivation seems to be extending to my interests. I can't remember the last time I went to the gym or my Jujutsu class. Again, I can't pin-point why. I just feel as if I'm withdrawing and my hobbies and interests seem to be reducing.
While I am at work, I'm continually feeling anxious or worried, and I feel this is resulting in myself not performing well at work, and even feeling irritable and intolerant of others, both colleagues and the public. I've even noticed that I am becoming incredibly tongue-tied, and effective communication is essential to my role. This is of course resulting in a lack of enjoyment at work.
Other things I've noticed is a lack of appetite. I'm now only bothering with one small meal per day, tonight for instance, I've had half a cold chicken breast and a splash of cold gravy. Again, I think this is down to a lack of motivation (to cook - which is something I've always loved to do) and not wanting to venture to Tesco. The flipside of this, is that I seem to have increased my intake of alcohol. This, I think, is to make myself forget (and possibly feel better) and also to help me sleep.
Overall, I just feel sad most of the time, almost what could be described as a continuously low mood. This seems to be going hand in hand with an unfounded feeling of guilt, as if everything I'm doing is wrong, which again compounds feeling anxious and worried and seems to be extending towards a mixture of hopelessness and helplessness and I'm finding it hard to be moivated or positive about anything.
Anyway, apologies for rambling, I just need to gain some focus and take steps to feel positive about the future. As the old phrase goes, if you don't have anything positive to say, then don't say anything, it's taken a lot to commit this to words, and no-one's forcing you to read this.
17 November 2009, 12:53 AM
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In a nice deep rut hey,
It's a vicious circle your in and if you can't break it you must go and talk to someone who can....
Start with your GP and be honest...
Something deep rooted is bothering you and you can't fix it...
Good Luck..
It's a vicious circle your in and if you can't break it you must go and talk to someone who can....
Start with your GP and be honest...
Something deep rooted is bothering you and you can't fix it...
Good Luck..
17 November 2009, 12:58 AM
#3
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Fair play to you for coming out and saying it!! i have felt exactley the same the last 8 months, and i mean exactley the same as to the eating 1 meal a day!!! My sleeping pattern is **** too, i have turned to alcohol to knock me out so i could sleep and wake up in the morning and not at a stupid time that i am up till the early hours till i feel sleepy 
. I have been told to go and see my GP and that i suffer from depression!!!
. I have been told to go and see my GP and that i suffer from depression!!!
17 November 2009, 01:03 AM
#4
Most of what you have just said describes how I feel alot of the time.
I don't know why I feel like that either, I just do.
I know when I was on the sick from work, I got to the stage I didn't want to leave the house, yet felt very similar when I was at uni (any time I didn't have to go somewhere).
I think alot of my problems have been down to lifestyle and truthfully lack of confidence/motivation. I have got into a downward spiral, where I sort of know some of the problems in my life (some in my control, some not), and set on destruct.
I am greatful for alot in my life, but I seem to focus on the bad, then it leads to a can't be bothered feeling.
The only way to get out is to break the cycle, and push yourself. If there is something deeper, you need to find out what, and deal with it.
I only wish I could get a grip enough to take my own advice.
I don't know why I feel like that either, I just do.
I know when I was on the sick from work, I got to the stage I didn't want to leave the house, yet felt very similar when I was at uni (any time I didn't have to go somewhere).
I think alot of my problems have been down to lifestyle and truthfully lack of confidence/motivation. I have got into a downward spiral, where I sort of know some of the problems in my life (some in my control, some not), and set on destruct.
I am greatful for alot in my life, but I seem to focus on the bad, then it leads to a can't be bothered feeling.
The only way to get out is to break the cycle, and push yourself. If there is something deeper, you need to find out what, and deal with it.
I only wish I could get a grip enough to take my own advice.
17 November 2009, 01:05 AM
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Your depressed get to your GP and tell him what you have said above he will advise a counciler or some tablets, dont think you will be druged up you wont,
if you dont go its very hard to get yourself out of it
good luck
if you dont go its very hard to get yourself out of it
good luck
17 November 2009, 01:05 AM
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I know the feeling mate i was like like that for a long time all the way up until i left my job due to the stresses and the people i had to spend eight hours a day with. So i ask you this are you happy in your job are you interested in your job as i found that this was the root to all my problems, even after leaving my job having to move home and having a mountain of debt i have never been happier and spend my days tinkering with the car and learning new things about them, although it did take a couple of months to build up the motivation. Since then i have fixed the sti had an electrical fire and am fixing it again and i couldnt be happier doing that (quite sad really 
). Any way i think maybe deep down you know what the problem is but maybe your afraid to act on it, but if not, im sure there are lots of people on here that have had the same issues.
Oh and just in case this thread gets taken over no ones forcing you to read this.
). Any way i think maybe deep down you know what the problem is but maybe your afraid to act on it, but if not, im sure there are lots of people on here that have had the same issues.Oh and just in case this thread gets taken over no ones forcing you to read this.
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17 November 2009, 01:11 AM
#8
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I see what you both mean by seeing a doctor, but I don't think I could even be motivated enough to make the appointment, let alone turn up for the appointment.
I guess if I am going to break this cycle, then I am going to have to force myself to do make the call.
I guess if I am going to break this cycle, then I am going to have to force myself to do make the call.
17 November 2009, 01:17 AM
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Ya big poof, pull yourself together or I'll get on a bloody plane and fly over and give you an effing slap! 
Seriously though, DO make the call and get thee along to thy quack, or maybe a shrink might be better, and I am being serious. It's not like you to be at a very low ebb, and you do need to sort this out and quickly, lest it become more of a self destructive pattern than it is already.
Chin up young padawan
Seriously though, DO make the call and get thee along to thy quack, or maybe a shrink might be better, and I am being serious. It's not like you to be at a very low ebb, and you do need to sort this out and quickly, lest it become more of a self destructive pattern than it is already.
Chin up young padawan
17 November 2009, 01:26 AM
#11
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My friends have told me to seek help or turn into an alcoholic and lose everything.
And yet like you i can.t be botherd to go see my GP, even though i made an appointment i just didn't turn up. It's a horrible place to be i know that. If i could give advice i would mate but i cant as i am in the same boat. But like i have been told, the only person that cam help you is your self.
.And yet like you i can.t be botherd to go see my GP, even though i made an appointment i just didn't turn up. It's a horrible place to be i know that. If i could give advice i would mate but i cant as i am in the same boat. But like i have been told, the only person that cam help you is your self.
17 November 2009, 01:47 AM
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That's what scares me!
Work will pay for a shrink if they think I need it.
I guess I've been playing my cards very close to my chest. I think I've just bottled things up for too long.
Work will pay for a shrink if they think I need it.
I guess I've been playing my cards very close to my chest. I think I've just bottled things up for too long.
17 November 2009, 03:37 AM
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Uncork that sucker! Again, seriously, I think you do need to unload by talking to a professional about this, be it a doctor or a shrink. Are you perhaps concerned that in doing so they'll prescribe medication and you'd feel like a failure if this was the case as you're seeking a medicinal route to ease the problem rather than being able to do it drug free. If that's the case then DO NOT feel that way. Yes, medication isn't the cure to all ills, but it CAN help. Heck it might be they just dish out some sleeping pills and getting back into a regular sleeping pattern, the right time and length, will work wonders. I'm not saying it will, but it'll help.
Just remember young padawan that the force is strong with you!
Again, seriously, I think you do need to unload by talking to a professional about this, be it a doctor or a shrink. Are you perhaps concerned that in doing so they'll prescribe medication and you'd feel like a failure if this was the case as you're seeking a medicinal route to ease the problem rather than being able to do it drug free. If that's the case then DO NOT feel that way. Yes, medication isn't the cure to all ills, but it CAN help. Heck it might be they just dish out some sleeping pills and getting back into a regular sleeping pattern, the right time and length, will work wonders. I'm not saying it will, but it'll help.Just remember young padawan that the force is strong with you!
17 November 2009, 04:20 AM
#14
Pontificating
As others have mentioned sounds like depression, deffo seek help for it because it is an illness. I have experienced parts of what you have written down the years but not of them all at once.
May be a silly question but do you do drugs ? some drugs can lead you to this state, Canabis for example, although I have never known anyone that I know that "smokes" ending up in this state.
It's an old saying, but learn to love yourself.
Best of luck with it.
May be a silly question but do you do drugs ? some drugs can lead you to this state, Canabis for example, although I have never known anyone that I know that "smokes" ending up in this state.
It's an old saying, but learn to love yourself.
Best of luck with it.
17 November 2009, 04:43 AM
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Alcohol alone is a depressive drug.
The biggest thing you could do at the moment is stop drinking - effectively you are self-medicating and alcohol is terrible as it is addictive and it ruins sleeping patterns. You may 'fall asleep' more easily but you are much more likely to wake up.
You do need to see a GP/Counselor/Coach as soon as possible. You are in a state of 'learned helplessness' which bizarrely is how you are fulfilling you base emotional needs.
You need to find an alternative state that is more resourceful for you to fulfil these needs. A good counselor or coach can help you do that very quickly and break the current pattern. Your life is like an old fashioned record where the stylus gets stuck in the groove.
The biggest thing you could do at the moment is stop drinking - effectively you are self-medicating and alcohol is terrible as it is addictive and it ruins sleeping patterns. You may 'fall asleep' more easily but you are much more likely to wake up.
You do need to see a GP/Counselor/Coach as soon as possible. You are in a state of 'learned helplessness' which bizarrely is how you are fulfilling you base emotional needs.
You need to find an alternative state that is more resourceful for you to fulfil these needs. A good counselor or coach can help you do that very quickly and break the current pattern. Your life is like an old fashioned record where the stylus gets stuck in the groove.
17 November 2009, 06:01 AM
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17 November 2009, 06:41 AM
#18
Pontificating
Which is ??
Maybe it's your profession that is causing your depression, could be stress related from work.
Your location is a pointer "missing".
You certainly sound like you need some professional help, and I mean that in the nicest way.
Maybe it's your profession that is causing your depression, could be stress related from work.
Your location is a pointer "missing".
You certainly sound like you need some professional help, and I mean that in the nicest way.
17 November 2009, 07:23 AM
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I'd hate to divert away from the thread, yet I can't help thinking that moderators are supposed to be level headed induviduals who can be assured of keeping SN ticking along nicely.
....yet we have 2 on here with what seems to be mental health problems?
May I suggest you forget about moderating for a while and seek the help you need?
....yet we have 2 on here with what seems to be mental health problems?
May I suggest you forget about moderating for a while and seek the help you need?
17 November 2009, 07:47 AM
#21
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Sorry to hear about your problems mate. As others have said you display all the symptoms of depression, you have to do something about it NOW. If not, you may enter such a downward spiral that there is no coming back.
Do you have a partner who can help you seek the advice/help you need?
Do you have a partner who can help you seek the advice/help you need?
17 November 2009, 08:36 AM
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Go see your doctor - it could be one of many things including Seasonal Affective Dissorder or SAD as it is known.
Alcohol is not going to help and is not a cure or helpful in the long run.
Best find out what is wrong so you can go about getting it put right, leaving it is not the way forward.
Have a look at the links below as well, this might also be part/your 'problem' It is a form of depression and can be treated in all sorts of ways.
Seasonal affective disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
SAD.org.uk - Seasonal Affective Disorder | SAD | Winter Blues - UK Voluntary Organisation providing Information, Advice and Answers
Alcohol is not going to help and is not a cure or helpful in the long run.
Best find out what is wrong so you can go about getting it put right, leaving it is not the way forward.
Have a look at the links below as well, this might also be part/your 'problem' It is a form of depression and can be treated in all sorts of ways.
Seasonal affective disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
SAD.org.uk - Seasonal Affective Disorder | SAD | Winter Blues - UK Voluntary Organisation providing Information, Advice and Answers
17 November 2009, 08:38 AM
#25
Sounds a little like Agrophobia (sp?), suffered from it myself when I was 18. Almost turned into a hermit.
Got to the stage where I gave up football becuase once I was out of my comfort zone (home), I would start to feel sick. This progressed to when I was out socialising as well, I'd get to the pub feeling anxious and nervous for no reason, not manage to get a pint down me before I was out the door walking home. Suffered with it for a while and would not wish it on my worst enemy.
As with all the advice given, definately go speak to someone. Mine was alcohol and personal issue related. Like you I try to sort everything out myself before talking to someone, this was something that I couldnt do.
If you want to talk more about this, feel free to pm.
Got to the stage where I gave up football becuase once I was out of my comfort zone (home), I would start to feel sick. This progressed to when I was out socialising as well, I'd get to the pub feeling anxious and nervous for no reason, not manage to get a pint down me before I was out the door walking home. Suffered with it for a while and would not wish it on my worst enemy.
As with all the advice given, definately go speak to someone. Mine was alcohol and personal issue related. Like you I try to sort everything out myself before talking to someone, this was something that I couldnt do.
If you want to talk more about this, feel free to pm.
17 November 2009, 08:56 AM
#26
It sounds like you are depressed and becoming alcohol dependant. I felt exactly the same when I was working every hour god sent in a job I hated, I started getting through 6 or 7 bottles of wine a week to help me sleep (or so I thought).
In fact the alcohol was messing up my sleep patterns no end, I became depressed and found some days even having a shave was an uphill struggle
That's why I made the decision to stop drinking last new years eve, and that's the best decision I ever made, no more waking up at 3 am with your mind racing, no more anxiety, and overall my health physically and mentally has benefited no end
In fact the alcohol was messing up my sleep patterns no end, I became depressed and found some days even having a shave was an uphill struggle
That's why I made the decision to stop drinking last new years eve, and that's the best decision I ever made, no more waking up at 3 am with your mind racing, no more anxiety, and overall my health physically and mentally has benefited no end
17 November 2009, 09:31 AM
#27
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It is a difficult one and I do feel for you. There are times where I have felt similar to this (although not to your extent), especially when my Dad suffered a live altering stroke back in 2005.
I looked for things to keep my motivated. I threw myself into work, fitness and stranglely enough, my old Impreza! If you have no hobbies, then ofcourse you are going to sit and think like you are. Do you want to be like this in 10 years time let alone 3 months?
People can '***** foot' around with you for years, whilst you are sitting there getting worse and worse, waiting for the magical answers to come along. No one else can change your life but you.
There was a saying once that I heard somewhere; every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.
You only live once, get out there and enjoy it. Think of what you have compared to others around the world. You have the choice and the possibility to improve your situation.
I look upon your original post not as a cry for help, but as a very good analysis of yourself, which you don't like at all. So why put up with it?
I looked for things to keep my motivated. I threw myself into work, fitness and stranglely enough, my old Impreza! If you have no hobbies, then ofcourse you are going to sit and think like you are. Do you want to be like this in 10 years time let alone 3 months?
People can '***** foot' around with you for years, whilst you are sitting there getting worse and worse, waiting for the magical answers to come along. No one else can change your life but you.
There was a saying once that I heard somewhere; every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.
You only live once, get out there and enjoy it. Think of what you have compared to others around the world. You have the choice and the possibility to improve your situation.
I look upon your original post not as a cry for help, but as a very good analysis of yourself, which you don't like at all. So why put up with it?
Last edited by Gear Head; 17 November 2009 at 09:39 AM.
17 November 2009, 09:44 AM
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ChrisPurvis is absolutely correct.
ScoobyWon't - You are explaining to a tee how I felt 3 years ago, I was drinking alot to make me sleep, worrying about everything and nothing.
Something is wrong and you need to seek help, even if it is just chatting to someone Face to Face. It doesn't have to be a professional IMHO you just need to talk about it even if its with a couple of close mates and get their support.
Unfortunately I didn't and ended up loosing everything last year (Business, house, car etc)
The one thing I wished I had done is talk to someone about it. I had got myself into such a state I actually had to see professionals and go on the Pills for 6 months.
Glad to report that all is going OK now and things are looking up so there is always a way to turn things around and all will be OK in the end
SPG
ScoobyWon't - You are explaining to a tee how I felt 3 years ago, I was drinking alot to make me sleep, worrying about everything and nothing.
Something is wrong and you need to seek help, even if it is just chatting to someone Face to Face. It doesn't have to be a professional IMHO you just need to talk about it even if its with a couple of close mates and get their support.
Unfortunately I didn't and ended up loosing everything last year (Business, house, car etc)
The one thing I wished I had done is talk to someone about it. I had got myself into such a state I actually had to see professionals and go on the Pills for 6 months.
Glad to report that all is going OK now and things are looking up so there is always a way to turn things around and all will be OK in the end
SPG
Last edited by 248SPG; 17 November 2009 at 09:46 AM.
17 November 2009, 10:06 AM
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I am sorry to hear how you feel at the moment. I think that most of us can find ourselves in a similar syndrome, must be part of the way that life goes these days.
What you need is something to take you out of yourself such as a totally absorbing hobby or activity, or even a new friendship or association. Something that is important enough to you to push all those other considerations to one side.
Exactly what has to be down to you of course, only you can find something like that.
I hope you are successful soon
Les
What you need is something to take you out of yourself such as a totally absorbing hobby or activity, or even a new friendship or association. Something that is important enough to you to push all those other considerations to one side.
Exactly what has to be down to you of course, only you can find something like that.
I hope you are successful soon
Les
17 November 2009, 10:20 AM
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I'll second (and third and forth) what others have said about alcohol. It may get you to sleep quickly but it scr3ws up your sleep patterns. I drink very little these days so when I have just a (500ml) bottle of beer or a couple of glasses of wine I wake up in the night for 30 mins or so. Guaranteed. So, cut the booze out for a start.
I won't say go to the docs. though. I believe in helping yourself first and, even if you are depressed, you'll find that getting back into exercise will help out enormously. You said you've stopped going to the gym? That can be fairly monotonous itself. Why not start running? Or swimming? Anything to get the heart pumping and the endorphins flowing. You WILL feel better afterwards I guarantee. OK, you'll maybe ache a bit, but that's all good. But if you keep at it the 'good' feelings will last longer and you'll sleep better because of the exercise (hope I'm not teaching my grandmother to suck eggs here!).
As for work, not sure what you do or how much responsibility you have, but is there any way to lighten your load? Can you start doing a regular '9 to 5 with an hour for lunch' and s*d the overtime? Anything to reduce the hassle from that direction ......
But, maybe the most important thing, is there anyone close you can talk to about this? Someone who has a 'glass half full' personality(!!) that can get you to look at things with a different perspective and help drag you out of your rut?
Hope it all works out ....
Dave
I won't say go to the docs. though. I believe in helping yourself first and, even if you are depressed, you'll find that getting back into exercise will help out enormously. You said you've stopped going to the gym? That can be fairly monotonous itself. Why not start running? Or swimming? Anything to get the heart pumping and the endorphins flowing. You WILL feel better afterwards I guarantee. OK, you'll maybe ache a bit, but that's all good.
But if you keep at it the 'good' feelings will last longer and you'll sleep better because of the exercise (hope I'm not teaching my grandmother to suck eggs here!).As for work, not sure what you do or how much responsibility you have, but is there any way to lighten your load? Can you start doing a regular '9 to 5 with an hour for lunch' and s*d the overtime? Anything to reduce the hassle from that direction ......
But, maybe the most important thing, is there anyone close you can talk to about this? Someone who has a 'glass half full' personality(!!) that can get you to look at things with a different perspective and help drag you out of your rut?
Hope it all works out ....
Dave