Seperation - What do you tell young kids?
20 March 2002, 08:14 AM
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Almost certainly seperating from my wife in the next week or so. We have two daughters aged 8 months and 2 years 10 months. Really have no idea how to explain it to the older child (or the younger one when she is ready to be told), particularly as the reason for seperation is totally my wifes.
Any advice, website recommendations, book recommendations etc. gratefully received either on or offline.
Any advice, website recommendations, book recommendations etc. gratefully received either on or offline.
20 March 2002, 08:52 AM
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Most important thing is to ensure that they know it's not their fault - a lot of kids somehow think you are moving out because they have done something wrong. Just make sure they know how much you love them and just tell them that you will be living in different places but they are always welcome.
Get them into a routine of when you see them so that their expectations are managed and never let them down. As I'm sure you are aware, whilst kids like surprises they are far more comfortable with routines than uncertainty.
If they stay over with you then try to create their own space where they can keep some stuff.
Get them into a routine of when you see them so that their expectations are managed and never let them down. As I'm sure you are aware, whilst kids like surprises they are far more comfortable with routines than uncertainty.
If they stay over with you then try to create their own space where they can keep some stuff.
20 March 2002, 09:40 AM
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I agree - that's the most important thing. It may be ilogical, but that's definatly what kids'll think.
Make sure you see them alot and if possible keep a friendly attitude between you and your partner as kids will still pick up on these things (and you'll still have things to talk to each other about!).
The other thing will be to be completely honest about any changes that are happening so they don't feel like their lives are out of control...that can happen quite easily. Oh - and I know you probably have enough self control but be careful not to say anything that could be interpreted as insulting your partner ("your mother...etc.") as you have to remember the kids still love both of you and it's painful to hear things like that (especially relevant to when they are older!). That's one of things I felt was the most difficult to deal with as a kid.
Hope everything goes as smoothly as it can...
Jen
Make sure you see them alot and if possible keep a friendly attitude between you and your partner as kids will still pick up on these things (and you'll still have things to talk to each other about!).
The other thing will be to be completely honest about any changes that are happening so they don't feel like their lives are out of control...that can happen quite easily. Oh - and I know you probably have enough self control but be careful not to say anything that could be interpreted as insulting your partner ("your mother...etc.") as you have to remember the kids still love both of you and it's painful to hear things like that (especially relevant to when they are older!). That's one of things I felt was the most difficult to deal with as a kid.
Hope everything goes as smoothly as it can...
Jen
20 March 2002, 09:44 AM
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I'm sorry to hear your news, separation is never nice with or without kids. Both of your children are too young to understand, and aren't likely until at least the age of five. As long as you spend as much time as you can with them and are still actively involved in their life, they should be fine. It's very common these days for children to have parents in separate living accomodation, and at their age it's highly unlikely to affect them. When they're older it will not be so difficult because it will be the 'norm' for them. One other brilliant suggestion, is make your home their home. Have a room for them if you can so that when they stay over it's not a foreign place to them.
good luck with it all. Oh, and counselling is a brilliant thing too. There are loads of marriage/relationship counsellors who are brilliant at helping you learn from and move on from this.
Karen
good luck with it all. Oh, and counselling is a brilliant thing too. There are loads of marriage/relationship counsellors who are brilliant at helping you learn from and move on from this.
Karen
20 March 2002, 09:52 AM
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particularly as the reason for seperation is totally my wifes.
20 March 2002, 10:12 AM
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My parents separated when I was 14. Not a nice experiance. Didn't blame myself 
but one of the worst things that came out of it was loosing touch with my grandparents on my farthers side (farther moved out). Make sure you continue to keep them involved ans still see your children.
but one of the worst things that came out of it was loosing touch with my grandparents on my farthers side (farther moved out). Make sure you continue to keep them involved ans still see your children.
20 March 2002, 10:49 AM
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Sorry to hear about this..
I just thought I would let you know about my current situation although it is slightly different but I am not at home during the week due to work and leave early on a Monday and return on a Friday.
My 17month old daughter is fine with it and is way to young to understand but she knows that it is the day I come home because she goes swimming and spends all days saying "Daddy daddy" etc..
So I think a routine is very important as said above.
We have managed not to lose the father daughter bond either which was my worry. You need to sort a routine and see the kids weekly.
They are at the age at the moment where they won't know any different really, although the eldest may ask. Hopefully you and your wife can decide on what to tell them, so that it is consistent from both of you. Perhaps you could say something like "I will be back at the weekend" so you keep it positive rather than "I am going now see you soon" give them a reference point on when they will next see you and stick to it.
I hope you manage to sort things out with your wife and things get better.
JGM
I just thought I would let you know about my current situation although it is slightly different but I am not at home during the week due to work and leave early on a Monday and return on a Friday.
My 17month old daughter is fine with it and is way to young to understand but she knows that it is the day I come home because she goes swimming and spends all days saying "Daddy daddy" etc..
So I think a routine is very important as said above.
We have managed not to lose the father daughter bond either which was my worry. You need to sort a routine and see the kids weekly.
They are at the age at the moment where they won't know any different really, although the eldest may ask. Hopefully you and your wife can decide on what to tell them, so that it is consistent from both of you. Perhaps you could say something like "I will be back at the weekend" so you keep it positive rather than "I am going now see you soon" give them a reference point on when they will next see you and stick to it.
I hope you manage to sort things out with your wife and things get better.
JGM
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20 March 2002, 11:29 AM
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Cheers everyone, this is all helpful as no one I know has been through this situation.
We have drawn up what appears to be both a practical and workable plan for contact with the children and given I will be living only 10 minutes from my wife I'm hoping that we can make it work for everyones sake.
I am seriously worried about losing the bond with the kids, especially as someone is moving in with my wife as soon as I'm gone.
We have drawn up what appears to be both a practical and workable plan for contact with the children and given I will be living only 10 minutes from my wife I'm hoping that we can make it work for everyones sake.
I am seriously worried about losing the bond with the kids, especially as someone is moving in with my wife as soon as I'm gone.
20 March 2002, 11:37 AM
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I am sure if you see the kids regularly that the bond should still be there and as they get older and understand a bit more they will know you are their Dad. The kids may become comfortable with the new guy, but this will not take anything away from your bond as long as you continue to see them regularly in my opinion.
Difficult situation and I wish you all the luck in dealing with it and I am sure things will get easier.
JGM
Difficult situation and I wish you all the luck in dealing with it and I am sure things will get easier.
JGM
20 March 2002, 11:38 AM
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Wheelman sorry to hear your bad news, I had the same thing happen February last year, except my wife didn't tell me and just disappeared with my son one morning while I was in the bath! It was the 2nd most horrendous experience of my life (worst being my youngest dieing 18 months prior). Didn't know where she had gone, what was happening or where my son was. Took 10 days to find her through the courts issuing a summons via her mother! She had run off with another bloke behind my back, totally destroyed me. Whatever you do make sure things are kept amicable because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I totally flipped for 10 days, then had the pain of the court battle for months and months. I now see my son every other weekend all weekend and luckily most weekends inbetween as well as she has now realised mine and my sons need to see each other as much as possible. I really hope u manage to sort things out and see your children as much as possible. As for explaining to them, you can't really, my son is 4 and he still doesn't really understand, at first all I wanted was him to know how nasty his mum was to do such a thing but at the end of the day he loves her equally and I will not ruin his feelings towards either of us. I just have to live with it, the last 3 years have been hell, I am still single, miss my son and family life unexplainably but I now realise there are people in a lot worse situation than me unfortunately and that life for many is extremely cruel. I wish you the best of luck and hope you actually manage to save your marriage.
20 March 2002, 02:06 PM
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Thanks again everyone that has replied. I'm am really dreading the next few weeks but sounds like there might be a few of you out there to share my troubles with!!!
22 March 2002, 07:53 AM
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I think society has just made it acceptable to do this sort of thing (flame suit on!). These days some people seem to have an attitude that if something isn't working just give up and move on, don't stop and try to work out how to make it work. My wife has already one divorce behind her and comes from background of divorced parents. I think this is significant!
22 March 2002, 09:01 AM
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I agree with you totally.
My wife and I both believe that a marrige needs to be worked at and that we are not going to agree or get on all the time.
I just hope that we can both stick to this.
Like you say it is too easy for people to give up these days.
But looking at it from another point of view, should people continue in a relationship if they are not happy...?
I think that if they have committed to marrige and were happy previously then with work they can be happy again.. but I guess at somepoint the hardwork exceeds the gains..
Anyway you are right though, people give in too easy..
JGM
My wife and I both believe that a marrige needs to be worked at and that we are not going to agree or get on all the time.
I just hope that we can both stick to this.
Like you say it is too easy for people to give up these days.
But looking at it from another point of view, should people continue in a relationship if they are not happy...?
I think that if they have committed to marrige and were happy previously then with work they can be happy again.. but I guess at somepoint the hardwork exceeds the gains..
Anyway you are right though, people give in too easy..
JGM
22 March 2002, 09:59 AM
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wheelman, no point in saying it will be ok dont stress coz you will mate. I am currently helping my mate through this, his wife has just left him and he has two kids. just let them know that it is not there fault and that you will see them and love them. I hope it all works out mate.
all the best
scottscooby.
all the best
scottscooby.
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