mega_stream

My younger bruv is getting hitched next Friday, I'm his best man so I gotta start thinking about a speech pdq

Anyone got any good gags I can use, nothing outrageous must be clean as some old'uns will be there

Or any web sites with some pointers would be good.

Cheers

John

Shark

Scarry stuff

I was best man to my best mate (now divorced but remarried with my godson )

Best advice on speach - no idea

I didn't even have a beer before the speach and went to peices at the end - so my advice is have a couple (don't go ott) it may help you relax if thats your thing.

David

PeterUK300

iTrader: (1)

Shark
This don't sound right
QUOTE :- I was best man to my best mate (now divorced but remarried with my godson)
Sounds a bit Gay???????? No offence and it may be me being thick or it may be as it sounds

No offence to Gays.... you have to be open minded about these things. Each to there own...........



[Edited by PeterUK300 - 3/20/2002 8:44:31 PM]

PeterUK300

iTrader: (1)

Mega
Have a look in the muppets. There was some men and women jokes in there. I think posted by my better half JoanUK300 and others.
There was also the why do women get married in white gags. At least the guys will laugh. The Domestic Appliences (I mean woman) will linch you

Good Luck

Green Turbo

Try www.hitched.co.uk and good luck m8.

Leigh

Katana

Have fun..

mega_stream

LOL thanks Pete, you mean like the "why have women got small feet?"
Yeah lets just stay well away from those shall we... His wife to be is a teacher, and we all know how scarey teachers are

Could try a few knock knock, who's there ones
I can see some tomatoes and stuff being hurled at me

mega_stream

Ahh I didn't want this to become a sexist-sid post
It'll be banished to the murky murkisms of Muppetville

gadge

get a load of keys give them out to the men ,dureing you speech put a tub on the table and say that now the bride is geting hitched she would like all her keys back (ruf count then say ther is one missing then take your one out of you poc ) should get a laf) you should be able to borrow some blank keys from your loacal locksmiths longs you take them back now
if you go with this mail me tell me how it went
best of luck

garry

simes

Unless you are a budding Les Dawson I would give the gags a swerve. Nothing more embarassing than jokes told badly and falling flat.

For the funny bits I would concentrate on some funny experiences you have shared with him, maybe stupid/embarassing things he has done etc (before of course telling them what a great guy he is)

If you are nervous of public speaking (and God knows I was) have a few drinks BUT DON'T GET PISHED

Cheers

Simon

jjones

have 3 pints of export strength lager to get the proper balance netween confidence and making a prat of yourself


i wrote my speech in my lunch hour after tralling a few sites and thinking about all the embarrasing thins that had happened in the past.

anyhow here are some of the gags i used...


go for the age old classics like:

"i can't talk for too long on account of my throat - *brides name* says she will cut it if i prattle on"

"the bride and groom would like to thank the guests for the presents *grooms name* would particularly like to thank *brides parents* for the perky copulator"

- classic actually inadvertantly said by my cousin on his big day -

"i would like to spank the bridesmaids"

"i am proud to be *grooms* best man, although i am a little nervous about doing this speech, but i am getitng used to this format - this isn't the first time today that i have stood up from a warm seat with a sheet of paper in my hand"

if the groom is a dab hand at DIY then this is excellent:

"*groom* is a bit of an expert at DIY - but he will have to stop that now he's married" - and watch it drift harmlessly over the old peoples heads

"*groom* has won his lives lottery by meeting *bride* , *bride* the lads have clubbed together and we have bought you a ticket in the hope that you win yours" (goes down well if you produce ticket for next draw )

"*bride* i would like to say that you look stunning, and *groom* you look like third prize in a rafle"

don't go on for more than a few mins and whilst your stood there take the opportunity to look down brides maids cleavage

Seamus300

"perky copulator" LOL

rik1471

Might be a little offensive

rik1471

Goldfinger

John - all the best mate, when I got married 18 months ago my best mate was twice as nervous as me ... mainly in anticipation of delivering his speech

Anyway, the day before we decided to vett his speech and try and 'loosen' up the crowd!! His opening line, which down an absolute treat, was something along the lines of ....

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Firstly, you must excuse me as I am not accustomed to public speaking but I've taken on board the advice of Phil's father who told me to think of it in the same light as being on a nudist beach ... at first you start of a little stiff but you soon loosen up!!"

When down well, with me anyway

Good luck!!

Cheers
Phil

The_Gza

ROTFL @ some of these so far

I'm getting married in August and have been winding my best man up a treat about it. Having read some of these I think I'll maybe ease off a bit!

JoanUK300

One for the bride.....
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

Joan.

Lozza

When you are doing your speech ask the groom to put his hand over his new brides, then tell him that this is the last time he will ever get the upper hand!! Its funnier when you say it honest..:-)

Luke

Best bet is to get well drunk.Dont forget to give the brides mother a quickie..

SWRTWannabe

I was best man a couple of years ago and one bit of my speech that really went down well was a load of cue cards that "just fell out of my pocket with the speech"

I explained that they were for if the groom got stuck in the church, as I held up cards saying "I WILL" and the brides name. I then had two outlines of hands, one with the ring finger extended to indicate which one the ring went on and one with the middle finger which was for anyone cutting up the wedding car.

All the best with the speech - and like everyone says, have a drink to calm your nerves but not so much that you slur the speech and fall over

Jen

http://www.confetti.co.uk/weddings/a...man_speech.asp

Didn't have much time to read it - boss is in!! Think it might have some useful stuff, and I know theres a link to some good wedding jokes on there somewhere...

Good luck! It's a useful site - I'm getting married in June and I've used it loads...although we're having a BBQ, Quiz and Silver Scoob's as the wedding cars Not exactly traditional, but should be excellent

Jen

DEEDEE

When we got back to the Hotel after the reception, I threw my trousers at my new wife, and said "put them on because its the last time you will wear them" she threw her nickers at me and said "if your attitude dosnt change you wont be getting in these either"

mega_stream

Some excellent ones Thanks all

I think the key one is tops at the moment

apjames

You can start of by saying you are using suggested methods to keep yourself from being nervous - and one suggested to you was imagining all the guest naked.

run your eyes over all the people in the room - and focus on the brides mum - with a glint in your eye, do a 'joey from friends style' "hello *brides mum*" etc.

Jay m A

iTrader: (2)

The most boring bit of your speech is the reading of the telegrams, so through a few joke ones in

To *bride and groom* apologies for not being present on your very special occasion, best wishes, Lord Archer

to a couple who I have seen on many, many occasions over the past 20 years, unfortunately cannot be here today, but will no doubt see you tomorrow. best wishes, Ronald McDonald

Justin

David Lock

If you are doing telegrams you can always mention the one from an old Auntie who has lived overseas for years and very much regrets that she cannot attend. However she would like to be sent a framed picture of the happy couple - fully mounted of course!

If you have old Aunties etc present you could also say that you understand that a couple of older relatives from the local naturist society are present and you think they are somewhere at the back of the congregation. You can't quite make out what they are wearing but whatever it is it needs ironing......

Good luck. You can't beat a bit of practice and a few cue cards. Oh and don't forget to smile -))) David

care3

"i prepared some lines earlier ,ive done them now and feel a lot better"
have a gr8 day

[Edited by care3 - 3/22/2002 9:13:57 PM]

Olly

"They say marriage is a wonderful institution. Who the hell wants to live in an institution?"

On the telegrams: Read out a telegram supposedly from the boys at the pub footie team, the message saying "Good luck to the happy couple. *Groom* was useless in all positions, so here's hoping that *bride* has better luck."

Another telegram: "Dear *Bride* and *Groom*. Good luck on your wedding day. Unable to come to the reception, as I had planned to rent a video and stay in for the night. Thought about getting Aladdin, but decided just to watch a film instead. Love Jonathan King."

Generally though, have a couple of drinks but not a skinful, keep it clean if the family are there (what makes your mated laugh does not always make Granny do the same), keep it simple but entertaining for all. Remember that your audience will be sympathetic and on your side, and that if done well, EVERYONE will buy you a pint once it's all over.

Justin S

www.thebestman.com Have Fun
Cheers
Justin