Handy Hints
21 March 2002, 08:00 AM
#1
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
Here are some great hints for all of you just received via email. Some may offend, but they are jokes so hey ho 
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's ****, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Westham fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping
a large fake ***** to your forehead. It is now clear to all as to your allegiance.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat *******s.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka.You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by
simply changing your name to match your existing plate,
Mr. KVL 741Y,
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next *** from the butt of your last one.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted'.
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's ****, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Westham fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping
a large fake ***** to your forehead. It is now clear to all as to your allegiance.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat *******s.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka.You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by
simply changing your name to match your existing plate,
Mr. KVL 741Y,
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next *** from the butt of your last one.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted'.
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
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