Friday jokes!
19 November 2010, 12:24 PM
#1
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Friday jokes!
New Series on Sky about midgets in suits of armour.
Weeknights @ 9pm
Audley Harrison phoned me up today. He said "I'm phoning about the bodyguard job".
I said "ok, When do you want me to start?"
Ill get my coat!
Weeknights @ 9pm
Audley Harrison phoned me up today. He said "I'm phoning about the bodyguard job".
I said "ok, When do you want me to start?"
Ill get my coat!
19 November 2010, 12:46 PM
#2
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An elderly spinster, who was a dog lover, agreed to look after her neighbour's house and dog, whilst the neighbours went on holiday.
The only problem was that the spinsters' own dog was a bitch which was 'in heat' and the neighbours dog was a male. Nevertheless, she had a large house and she felt she would be able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep, the spinster was suddenly awakened by awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together (as dogs do when mating), in obvious pain, but unable to 'disengage'.
Try as she might, she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.
Though it was late, she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings, the rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone. The spinster explained the problem.
The vet said, "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch."
"Oh," said the spinster, "Do you think that will work?"
"Well," the vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!"
The only problem was that the spinsters' own dog was a bitch which was 'in heat' and the neighbours dog was a male. Nevertheless, she had a large house and she felt she would be able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep, the spinster was suddenly awakened by awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together (as dogs do when mating), in obvious pain, but unable to 'disengage'.
Try as she might, she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.
Though it was late, she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings, the rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone. The spinster explained the problem.
The vet said, "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch."
"Oh," said the spinster, "Do you think that will work?"
"Well," the vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!"
19 November 2010, 05:48 PM
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The conditions were icy and i had to perform an emergency stop but still went into the back of the car in front of me. A pretty young lady got out and yelled "Just ram me up the @rse why don't you?" This, your honour, is where the confusion began. * *
19 November 2010, 05:54 PM
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Man Flu - The Facts...
1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' � which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.
1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' � which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.
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