Jokes to upset everyone
29 August 2011, 09:32 AM
#1
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Thread Starter
Jokes to upset everyone
>> I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning
>> to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I
>> converted to Islam, and we're stoning the slag in the morning !
>>
>> "What's your name ?" "Colin ****ing Wilson" "Do you suffer from
>> Tourette's Colin ?" "No, but the vicar christening me did".
>
>> I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring
>> tone
>> was. I said "light brown like everyone else's". These women are certainly
>> more forward these days.
>>
>> The wife suggested I get myself one of those ***** enlargers....... so I
>> did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy
>>
>> My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's
>> group The Monkees. I thought she was joking.........And then I saw her
>> face
>>
>> Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
>> paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm
>> 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
>>
>> My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
>> couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to
>> walk.
>> I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning
>> to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I
>> converted to Islam, and we're stoning the slag in the morning !
>>
>> "What's your name ?" "Colin ****ing Wilson" "Do you suffer from
>> Tourette's Colin ?" "No, but the vicar christening me did".
>
>> I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring
>> tone
>> was. I said "light brown like everyone else's". These women are certainly
>> more forward these days.
>>
>> The wife suggested I get myself one of those ***** enlargers....... so I
>> did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy
>>
>> My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's
>> group The Monkees. I thought she was joking.........And then I saw her
>> face
>>
>> Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
>> paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm
>> 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
>>
>> My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
>> couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to
>> walk.
>> to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I
>> converted to Islam, and we're stoning the slag in the morning !
>>
>> "What's your name ?" "Colin ****ing Wilson" "Do you suffer from
>> Tourette's Colin ?" "No, but the vicar christening me did".
>
>> I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring
>> tone
>> was. I said "light brown like everyone else's". These women are certainly
>> more forward these days.
>>
>> The wife suggested I get myself one of those ***** enlargers....... so I
>> did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy
>>
>> My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's
>> group The Monkees. I thought she was joking.........And then I saw her
>> face
>>
>> Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
>> paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm
>> 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
>>
>> My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
>> couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to
>> walk.
>> I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning
>> to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I
>> converted to Islam, and we're stoning the slag in the morning !
>>
>> "What's your name ?" "Colin ****ing Wilson" "Do you suffer from
>> Tourette's Colin ?" "No, but the vicar christening me did".
>
>> I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring
>> tone
>> was. I said "light brown like everyone else's". These women are certainly
>> more forward these days.
>>
>> The wife suggested I get myself one of those ***** enlargers....... so I
>> did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy
>>
>> My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's
>> group The Monkees. I thought she was joking.........And then I saw her
>> face
>>
>> Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
>> paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm
>> 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
>>
>> My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
>> couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to
>> walk.
29 August 2011, 09:45 AM
#3
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29 August 2011, 11:38 AM
#8
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More to upset everyone - appologies in advance.
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.
The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently, it's Africa!
>
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer!
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens iPod
after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh,
She's Eleven."
My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of
us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker!
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Camberley but I've been banned
from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets!
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools!
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.
The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently, it's Africa!
>
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer!
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens iPod
after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh,
She's Eleven."
My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of
us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker!
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Camberley but I've been banned
from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets!
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools!
29 August 2011, 09:54 PM
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It's well documented that homer Simpson loves butter, he also enjoys spreading marge.
Ive built myself a log cabin, it's great apart from the smell of ****.
Roy walker was being sucked off by his sister, it's good, but it's not right.
I just bought a monopoly set with no instructions, what are the chances?
I was feeling depressed earlier today so I chucked a Muslim in a big bucket of bleach, that lightened Mahmood.
Ive built myself a log cabin, it's great apart from the smell of ****.
Roy walker was being sucked off by his sister, it's good, but it's not right.
I just bought a monopoly set with no instructions, what are the chances?
I was feeling depressed earlier today so I chucked a Muslim in a big bucket of bleach, that lightened Mahmood.
30 August 2011, 07:42 PM
#14
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My girlfriend and I went for a walk across a frozen lake last December whilst holidaying in Greenland.
She said, "Do you think the woman on the hotel reception is pretty?"
I said, "You're walking on thin ice love."
She said, "Ohh, rattled your cage, have I?"
And then she slipped through the ice and drowned.
What a hilarious misunderstanding.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend said she was breaking up with me because I'm too immature.
I replied, "You're talking a load of updoc."
You should have seen the joy sweep across my face as she replied, "What's updoc?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.
"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes nice." I said
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Gran doesn't understand technology. "Why do youngsters have these iPhones? I mean, having a phone for your eye is pointless," she complains.
"No Gran," I explain. "An iPhone isn't for an eye. It's for a c*nt."
She said, "Do you think the woman on the hotel reception is pretty?"
I said, "You're walking on thin ice love."
She said, "Ohh, rattled your cage, have I?"
And then she slipped through the ice and drowned.
What a hilarious misunderstanding.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend said she was breaking up with me because I'm too immature.
I replied, "You're talking a load of updoc."
You should have seen the joy sweep across my face as she replied, "What's updoc?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.
"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes nice." I said
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Gran doesn't understand technology. "Why do youngsters have these iPhones? I mean, having a phone for your eye is pointless," she complains.
"No Gran," I explain. "An iPhone isn't for an eye. It's for a c*nt."
Last edited by Aaron1978; 30 August 2011 at 07:43 PM.
01 September 2011, 12:43 PM
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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex.
The Italian says, "When i have a finished making love ah to my woman, she levitates six inches fromma de bed."
The Frenchman says, "Mon ami! After 6 hours of the continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"
The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me **** on the curtains...and she goes through the ******* roof!!"
The Italian says, "When i have a finished making love ah to my woman, she levitates six inches fromma de bed."
The Frenchman says, "Mon ami! After 6 hours of the continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"
The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me **** on the curtains...and she goes through the ******* roof!!"
02 September 2011, 11:23 AM
#27
