Ok...apologies if I sound like a grumpy b'stard but I'm close to my wits end....

I live on a cul-de-sac which is populated (seemingly) with a higher ratio of children per house than anywhere else in the Western World...and, without fail, every one of those children wants to be David Beckham or Michael Owen...

Consequently, they can be found day and night blatting a proper matchball up and down the road...which means that on numerous occasions they've whacked the ball into people's gardens (and then scurried in without asking), under cars and even off cars (not mine - so far as I know!).

They've all got gardens but don't seem to want to use them....the parents don't care and send them out at all hours so, what I want to know is, is there any way of putting a stop to it? Ok, so I am a grumpy git but I'm getting fed up with coming home to find my shrubs trampled and dents in my garage door...

Solutions involving anti-personnel mines, boiling lead, AK-47s and/or Semtex have been thought of so no need to post them...

 

Phew!, I thought you were going say to they'd hit your car! Some little b'stard has hit mine with a football and it's left a load of fine scratches, it's the panel that got scraped by some d*ck in a van a few months ago, oh and it's also the wrong colour thanks to a main dealer paint job!

With regards to the kids, have you tried kicking them in the nuts?

Bob

 

Have you tried visiting the local scrappy & hiring out his mental rottweiler/alsatian/pit bull for a day.
Muzzle on - kids out - muzzle off - let him go and play football. Afterwards you say dog, what dog??
Other than that bribe the local kid bully to kick their heads.
Alasdair

 

Find out who the parents are and trample their plants and bash up their garage doors. Revenge is sweet. The tw@ts in my street who can't even drive keep running over the edge of my garden in their crap-mobiles. One of them even had the cheek to do it today in front of me whilst I was out washing the Scoob. I am seriously thinking of driving my own car into their front gardens to destroy all their poxy stuff and see if they still think it is funny. I bought a massive sod off rock to put on the bit of garden they drive over and it has now been broken into rubble because they have driven over it so many times in the freezing weather. My other plan was to put nails in the garden so they lost a tyre everytime they drove over. I would then go on to replace these nails everyday until the affore mentioned morons had to remortgage their house just to afford all the tyres.

As for the kids, a sharp kick in the nuts should have them bent double in pain. This would be the ideal time to steal the football, cut it open, fill it with concrete and then go out the next day, say sorry to the kid for nicking his ball you were just in a bad mood, then finally toss the ball high into the air and shout "on yer head, son"

 

Diesel on the grass, they will never grow grass there again!



You could ask the kids nicely and say look lads, if you go down and play on that bit of grass at the end I will buy you some Goaly Gloves and a new ball for you all to use....

That worked with my local kids, and joining in for 20 mins helps too. You also find that they then leave your car alone and also your garden as your one of their mates.

Don't be arsey/grumpy with them, they are only kids, I for one was a right little bugger whatever my mum/dad said....I just did the opposite because it was naughty.

It will cost you £10.00 for the ball and £10.00 for some gloves...bingo, friends for life...the man with the flash car who bought us a new footy!

 

Do you not remember being a kid? We would only play footie outside one bloke's house on our road, purely for the fact that it wound him up. The git would stand behind his conifer and grab any ball that bounced onto his lawn. He had a shed bulging full of our footballs.

We did once get our own back: one of our lot once got a dog turd, wrapped it in a bit of newspaper, placed it neatly on his front path, set a match to it, rang his bell and legged it. From our hidden vantage point, I can see him now frantically stamping on the flames wearing his carpet slippers..

Evil things, kids. My advice is to run outside, grab the ball, show the kids your keepie-up skills, before inviting them all for a game of 3 n'in using the Mondeo and the Astra parked kerbside round the corner as goalposts. Should keep 'em away from your motor.