joke
11 November 2003, 08:19 AM
#1
An Irishman, an Australian and a Valley boy were sitting in
a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men
kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him
before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:
"My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!"
The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge :
"Hey! Hey youz! Are you Jesus?"
Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
"Yes, I am Jesus," he says.
Well, the Irishman calls the barman over and says to him:
"I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness
from me."
The barman pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out : "Oi you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus".
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the barman send
over a jug of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.
The Valley boy then calls out : "Oi butt, you Jesus, like ?"
Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus".
The Valley boy beckons the barman and tells him to send over
a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the barman duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,
thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman
gives a cry of amazement:
"Holy Mary mother of God! The arthritis is gone! The
arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle !!!"
Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in
shock: "Strewth mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40
years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!"
Jesus then goes to approach the Valley
boy who says:
"Watch it butt! I'm on Disability!"
No offence intended
a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men
kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him
before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:
"My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!"
The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge :
"Hey! Hey youz! Are you Jesus?"
Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
"Yes, I am Jesus," he says.
Well, the Irishman calls the barman over and says to him:
"I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness
from me."
The barman pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out : "Oi you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus".
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the barman send
over a jug of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.
The Valley boy then calls out : "Oi butt, you Jesus, like ?"
Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus".
The Valley boy beckons the barman and tells him to send over
a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the barman duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,
thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman
gives a cry of amazement:
"Holy Mary mother of God! The arthritis is gone! The
arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle !!!"
Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in
shock: "Strewth mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40
years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!"
Jesus then goes to approach the Valley
boy who says:
"Watch it butt! I'm on Disability!"
No offence intended
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14 November 2003, 04:20 PM
#10
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The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's "Work for the Dole" scheme and employ the Welsh.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Rhondda Valleys were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by the Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits,Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However.... Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first practice session, not only were the Welsh pit crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the MacLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella a kilogram of speed and some photos of Coulthards bird in the shower.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Rhondda Valleys were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by the Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits,Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However.... Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first practice session, not only were the Welsh pit crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the MacLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella a kilogram of speed and some photos of Coulthards bird in the shower.
14 November 2003, 04:24 PM
#12
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Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release next
year...
* 9½ Leeks
* Trefforest Gump
* Cwmando
* The Lost Boyos
* An American Werrewolf in Powys
* Huw Dares Gwyneth
* Dai Hard
* The Wizard of Oswestry
* Cool Hand Look-you
* Sheepless in Seattle
* The Eagle has Llandudno
* The Magnificent Severn
* Haverfordwest Was Won
* Austin Powys
* The Magic Rhonddabout
* Independence Dai
* The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch That Time Forgot
year...
* 9½ Leeks
* Trefforest Gump
* Cwmando
* The Lost Boyos
* An American Werrewolf in Powys
* Huw Dares Gwyneth
* Dai Hard
* The Wizard of Oswestry
* Cool Hand Look-you
* Sheepless in Seattle
* The Eagle has Llandudno
* The Magnificent Severn
* Haverfordwest Was Won
* Austin Powys
* The Magic Rhonddabout
* Independence Dai
* The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch That Time Forgot
14 November 2003, 04:30 PM
#14
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A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE MEASURING 4.8 ON THE RICHTER SCALE, HIT IN THE
EARLY HOURS OF Friday 14th of November 2003 EPICENTERED ON SWANSEA SOUTH WALES.
Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: "How be?", "Tidy" and "Can't fault it Butt". The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately ?30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged.
Three areas of historic and scientifically significant burnt out cars were disturbed. Many were woken well before their giro arrived.Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Swansea.
One resident, Sara-Angharad Davies, a 15 year old mother-of-five said "It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy Silk the next morning." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses.Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Everything's a Pound.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in it.
Clothing is most sought after. Items required include: - Fila,
Baseball Caps, Kappa Tracksuit tops (His and Hers), Shell Suits(Female), White Sports Socks, Nike Air Basketball Boots and any other items usually sold in TK Maxx.
Food parcels may be harder to put together but necessary all the same. Required foodstuffs include: - Microwave meals, Tins of Baked Beans, Ice Cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
£2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four.
£10 can take a family to Port Talbot for the day, where children can play on a radioactive beach in front of the national collection of Steel works.
£1.68 pays for a return bus ticket to the countryside where they can pick magic mushrooms to feed the family.22p buys a biro for filling in a compensation claim.
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of "posh" housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Gorseinon,Llanelli and Clydach.
EARLY HOURS OF Friday 14th of November 2003 EPICENTERED ON SWANSEA SOUTH WALES.
Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: "How be?", "Tidy" and "Can't fault it Butt". The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately ?30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged.
Three areas of historic and scientifically significant burnt out cars were disturbed. Many were woken well before their giro arrived.Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Swansea.
One resident, Sara-Angharad Davies, a 15 year old mother-of-five said "It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy Silk the next morning." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses.Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Everything's a Pound.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in it.
Clothing is most sought after. Items required include: - Fila,
Baseball Caps, Kappa Tracksuit tops (His and Hers), Shell Suits(Female), White Sports Socks, Nike Air Basketball Boots and any other items usually sold in TK Maxx.
Food parcels may be harder to put together but necessary all the same. Required foodstuffs include: - Microwave meals, Tins of Baked Beans, Ice Cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
£2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four.
£10 can take a family to Port Talbot for the day, where children can play on a radioactive beach in front of the national collection of Steel works.
£1.68 pays for a return bus ticket to the countryside where they can pick magic mushrooms to feed the family.22p buys a biro for filling in a compensation claim.
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of "posh" housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Gorseinon,Llanelli and Clydach.
14 November 2003, 04:34 PM
#15
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And one for the Irish...
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"****!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the
next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light hang-glider with a couple of shotguns, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,and decided there's no feckin way we can feed two million prisoners."
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"****!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the
next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light hang-glider with a couple of shotguns, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,and decided there's no feckin way we can feed two million prisoners."
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